The Worst of Jim Norton (2006-2009)

James Norton (July 19, 1968- )Jim Norton is a professional comedian who was born and raised in New Jersey.A Meaty-Breasted NothingHIV Status: POSITIVECurrently taking a regimen of Children's Tylenol and is addicted to Breathe Right strips Official Autobiography"I was sitting in my apartment, looking at my naked body in a mirror and contemplating suicide. My manager called and informed me that I need to update my bio. I have always detested bios written in the 'third person.' Every performer either writes or approves his or her bio. Third person makes it seem like a bunch of people got together to discuss the performer's wonderfulness and just had to write it down for the world to see.I also loathe the wording in a lot of bios. I did not 'burst on to the scene', nor do I leave crowds 'rolling in the aisles' 'on the edge of their seats' or 'gasping for air'. Some nights I kill, other nights the crowd wants to gut me with a fishing knife. I am a relatively amusing in a child molesting/stomach cancer kind of way.Being pegged as an 'angry comic' truly makes me want to vomit. To me the only labels in comedy that matter are 'funny', 'original' and 'hack'. By original I don't mean so weird that Andy Kaufman wouldn't get it and by hack I mean the next comic who writes a girl fart joke should have his writing hand smashed with a mallet. There is no subject I won't make fun of (with the exception, of course, of girl farts). This has nothing to do with integrity, it's because smelling them gives me an erection.I am 5'7, 150 lbs with brown hair, brown eyes and have a torso with the muscle tone of Christopher Reeve's thighs. I enjoy dining out, dancing and receiving yellow discipline from black prostitutes. Judi Brown of the Aspen Comedy Festival said, 'He's so brutally honest. He's very refreshing in a business where a lot of people are phony.' That is probably the nicest compliment I have received as a performer."The Early YearsAs a young boy, he and his friend played a game called "Monster Rain", which involved getting under a porch and giving each other oral sex.Used to have imaginary friends named Helen and Jimmy Robinson. Jimmy also fantasized about the rock band KISS pushing him down the stairs and then comforting him afterwards.There was a "haunted" creek near Jimmy's childhood apartment that the neighboorhood boys called "Devil's Creek" where an older boy would bullying Jimmy into given him oral treats.During adolescence, Jimmy was a wigger before it became fashionable to be so. He often wore a Kangol hat and once had it taken off his head by a Negro gentleman. He snatched it back and lamely told the guy, "If you wanted to see my hat, just ask!"[1]Belonged to a gang called The Lords.Jimmy and his friends would often perform horrible pranks on unsuspecting bystanders. These include: filling a man's newspaper with cat feces, dropping dog feces into the library's book return, placing feces in mail boxes, urinating on someone's faucets and mirrors, throwing cups of urine on pedestrians, spilling motor oil into open car windows, smearing melted chocolate ice cream on a fur car-seat, egging pedestrians, and throwing a flaming sofa off the bed of a truck, into the road. This prompted Patrice Oneal to declare "Norton was a fucking menace!".While on a bus, Jimmy had his boombox and played Quiet Riot's cover of "Cum on Feel the Noize" to a girl hoping she'd like him. He also had dandruff in his hair and a greasy forehead at the time because he didn't wash his hair a lot.Tried committing suicide by slitting his wrists, but called the FBI who then saved him.Jim's Characters(according to Mr. Norton himself on the November 11, 2009 show, this list was compiled by Harry Trufflebutt)Jim Norton portrays a myriad of characters on the radio, including:Ace Sherbert - Professional Wrestler whose finishing move is "The Scoop!"(March 6, 2012)Aunt Jimmy (April 27, 2010)Ben from Boston/Herky Jerky BenBoardroom Jimmy[2]Caribbean JimmyChip ChippersonChristian Jimmy (Apr 8, 2009)Coach Jimmy[3]Craig Schinkel (Oct 2013; currently, The Boys mostly refuse to acknowledge Craig other than referring to Craig in the third person regarding how they hate him)Edgar MellencampFrank the FrownerThe Gossip Kid - "Who's this bitch?"Helen Bergeron [4]"Hwizardry" (sometimes called Ted the Wizard)Jelly (June 1, 2010)JimcyJimspirations (As of June 4, 2010)Josh GoodNaturedly (April 2nd, 2012)Jerry Shepardini (name is said in a very catchy tune) (June 20, 2012)LiddyMarmalade Sally[5]RamonRedCoat Jimmy[6]Regular Joe (Sometime in 2012)Saudi Jimmy (Jan 21, 2010)Smooth Jazzy JimSteve from YellowstoneSudley (June 1, 2010)Swedish Jimmy (Jan 25, 2010)[7]Ted ShecklerTrinidadian Jimmy[8]Uncle PaulValley Jim (February 1, 2012)Worst Example Jimmy (Mar 2, 2010)Jimmy also has different names given from things he does or thinks:Future Jimmy (September 25, 2012) - Future Jimmy is around when Jim talks about what technology will be like in the future or learns of technology that is already around but he hasn't heard of it yet.Crime Fighting Jimmy - Followed what he thinks was a stolen bus. Eventually gave up because he got annoyed. (October 2, 2012)In addition, Norton has a set of goof personae that he pulls out every so often, such as:Jive Talkin' JimmyInspirational Jimmy [June 1, 2010] - Gives inspirational messages called "Jimspirations"Subliminal JimLiteral JimMean JimmyWide Eyed Jimmy (January 3, 2011)Sports Jimmy (March 8, 2011)Radio Jim (October 30, 2012)Jimmy also does brilliant impressions of:Andy RooneyAlan Alda ("YES!")Al PacinoFat Bob Kelly[9]Robert DeNiroSteve C"Uncle Ted" NugentBobo Jimmy (appeared 5/21/10)Jimmy has also invented fictional characters for books, movies and other events:Turk February[10]Lorenzo Fhuzzbhutter (4/14/10) - Hot shot astronaut. Does loop-dee-loos. Has a "Rocketman" tattoo on his arm.Bill Tetley (12/13/10) - Action Adventure Superstar.A. Sherbert (3/6/12) - Professional Wrestler. Wears a jacket with 4 aces on it and eats a bowl of sherbert. Finisher is "The Scoop".Grocery Man (5/6/2013) - Helps carry groceries for people and will also catch groceries that are falling.Detective Dolittle (9/18/2014) - He's a detective in Columbus, Ohio (Jimmy chose the city because he was performing there that weekend). Dolittle has a few famous quotes such as "Don't let the last name fool you" and "I don't know who did this, but I will".Fun FactsWas an alcoholic in high school, and lived with his parents until he was 30. He eventually moved into an apartment with Jim Florentine that had black mold all over the walls and was infested with silverfish.He has opened for Andrew Dice Clay, and is known for his extremely raunchy brand of humor. He has admitted that his early comedy was awful, though. One early joke he told was about how rich people refer to Chunky Monkey as "Obese Primate". He also talks about his first TV appearance on Friday Night Videos and how embarrassing that is to him.Norton became a regular on The Opie and Anthony Show on WNEW, and was arrested in connection with a stunt performed on the show involving the Voyeur Bus which drove through the streets of Manhattan with naked women dancing in front of the windows. Before he became an official member of the show, it was cancelled due to the St. Patrick's Cathedral sex incident during Sex for Sam 3.During a phone interview on O&A with Andrew Dice Clay, he admitted to drinking a woman's urine out of a wine glass (which he justified by insisting he only "sipped" it). He later admitted that urine tastes like popcorn. He also likes having women drop doody logs on his chest.For over a year, Norton was a regular guest on the Comedy Central TV show Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. He also was selected to be in the final twenty contestants for the second season of Last Comic Standing, but had to back out due to contractual obligations.Jimmy has numerous experiences with prostitutes, and has often cruised around New York in his Saturn looking to pay for sex. This addiction led to Jimmy picking up a tranny without realizing it (or so he says). He currently is single.In 1998, Jimmy went to LA to shoot a Pilot with Andrew Dice Clay, and was given $300 by VH1 as his per diem money. Jimmy spent all his money on the first night on a single prostitute.One night Jimmy went to get jerked off, but when he went to the woman's house, the room was barely lit, the woman's hands were very dirty, she held a screwdriver the whole time Jimmy was there and there was a bathroom that had a bathtub with a little bit of water in it that had old Burger King wrappers in it. Feeling that someone else was watching him from a backroom, Jimmy excused himself by saying he was sick, paid her the money and left without being jerked off. Jimmy notes this as his scariest moment ever. (Joe Rogan Podcast #233)Lost his wallet at a tranny bar (July 30, 2012)He served as the best man at Rich Vos's wedding to Bonnie McFarlane in 2005.In an article he wrote for an independent film magazine, he stated that his favorite actor was Laurence Fishburne. He also stated that his favorite film was A Clockwork Orange, and when discussing the film, said "Kubrick should still be winning awards for combining rape, extreme violence and classical music".An obsessive fan of rock legend Ozzy Osbourne, he goes to Ozzfest every year and has a signed Black Sabbath poster in his apartment. He eventually met Black Sabbath during their Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction.Norton has a collection on his website of photos he has taken with celebrities. The impressive collection includes such big names as Woody Allen, Christopher Walken, Ozzy Osbourne, Laura Bush, Scarlett Johanssen, Bruce Springsteen, and Dave Grohl.Jimmy is also very obsessed with getting photos with celebrities. The obsession is often said to be his version of hoarding. Jim also has and will run out of the studio to get a photo even while on-air. Roland acts as his notifier, giving him hand signals to alert him of a celebrity being free or coming near the studio. He even rescheduled a flight to get a photo with Don Cheadle. He also had a full size cut out made so pictures could be taken with it when he is not in studio.He has been known to stink up the studio with his horrific farts, especially when he "gets scared".Is a shameless Plug Whore and will do what he can to plug his upcoming comedy gigs on the air.He actually called in to the show the day after 9/11 to promote a gig.Often pretends each day is his birthday. His actual birthday is July 19.Was known for wearing Breathe Right strips on his nose; eventually had surgery to fix his nasal passage.EatABullet.com is his official website.To leave Jimmy a phone message, call (917) 267-2602. Jimmy will also occasionally call fans back.On the November 11, 2009 show, revealed that he used to be called "Ol' Phlegmmytits Jim".Cried during a discussion of Roger Ebert's apppearance on Oprah to discuss his thyroid cancer (March 3, 2010).Makes Sam very jealous by having two of the biggest wrestlers, The Rock and CM Punk, as fans of his comedy.On October 2, 2012, Jimmy talked about how he followed what he thinks was a stolen bus. He called the cops and was getting mad by the fact they wouldn't send a cop car to help him. Jimmy eventually pulled to the side of the bus after he stopped in the middle of the street, and seen the man. After 8 minutes, he got annoyed by the way the dispatcher was handling the situation and went home allowing the person behind the wheel to continue. He topped the night off with treats with nice lady.On October 3, 2012, Jimmy got his hands on the 911 calls he made while chasing the bus and they are played on the show.Is a Little Monster (a fan of Lady Gaga). He often refers to himself as such.Was benched by Opie during the O&A Softball Game because he was late to the event. Jimmy thought about leaving, but Opie got him to stay by telling him he'd put him in later in the game. The game took place on October 19, 2000. (November 8, 2013)Quotes"You know what you are? You're a rock with teeth."Spoken to Rich Vos."Ted is a goddamned fool.""Right on my FUCKING FOOT!... I have a foot thing on my foot!" [11]"I say your mother sucks pony dick on film, and you call me a troll? Do I trip-trap under a bridge? Drop dead, motherfucker!"[12]""He's coming up for air"Said to Robert Kelly after he spit out water at another funny Jim Norton line.JimspirationsInspiration is better than being outside of spirationIf you mind is on negativity then negativity's under your hatThe loudest plane does not inspire as much as the quietest birdAn up that is shut is not as good as a up that is openTo rush to a destination is to abandon a placeSomeone who tries to be a black guy, is gonna get a black eyeThe more they break the levys, the more they build up our enduranceThe more you flood us with water, the more we'll flood you back with love and desireMoney is only a tool to build selfishness or happinessA nightmare is only a dream that hasn't been attemptedCreditsRadioThe Opie and Anthony Show on Sirius 206 and XM 105Norton's Obsessed on Ozzy's Boneyard on Sirius 38 and XM 38.Jim Norton Show on Sirius 206 and XM 105 (December 12th, 2012 - present)TVDown and Dirty with Jim Norton (2008, four episodes)Friday Night Videos (1996)The Jay Leno Show (Multiple appearances)Jim Norton: Monster Rain (2007) .... himself (One hour HBO Comedy Special)Lucky Louie (2006) .... RichOne Night Stand (2005)Red Eye w/ Greg Gutfeld (Multiple appearances)The Tonight Show with Jay Leno (Multiple appearances)Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn (Multiple appearances)Zrock: Episode 206 (2009) .... As himselfFilmAmerican Dummy (2002) .... Eddie BarnumBrokers (1997) .... Homeless GuyCop Out (2010) .... HoodlumErrors, Freaks & Oddities (2002) .... PaulFurry Vengeance (2010) .... unknownThe Gynecologists (2003) .... SheldrakeRock Bottom (2002/II) .... DieselSidesplitters: The Burt & Dick Story (2000) .... DickSpider-Man (2002) .... Surly Truck DriverZack and Miri Make a Porno (2008) .... AuditionerCDTrinkets I Own Made From Gorilla Hands (2005)Yellow Discipline (2003)Despicable (2011)No Baby For You (2012)BooksHappy Endings: The Tales of a Meaty-Breasted Zilch (2007)I Hate Your Guts (2008)All clips originally edited and uploaded to BiteMyTorrent by Rosiebun1