Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving.
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DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day
Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School
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Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet
Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line
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Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit
Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value
Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards
National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine
Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers
Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want
Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation
Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal
NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape
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