Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly.
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Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents
Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are
New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds
Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January
Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot
Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus
Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World
Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights
Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers
Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister
The Topical Wins A Pulitzer
Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm
This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money
Thousands Of Stockpiled Ventilators Sent To New York Hospitals Turn Out To Be Claw Machines
Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away
TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet
Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked
Federal Reserve To Infuse Wall Street With $500 Billion Worth Of Cocaine
Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination
Nation Close To Getting Video Conferencing Software To Work
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