23. The 5 Personality Patterns with Steven Kessler

Steven Kessler, psychotherapist and bestselling author of The 5 Personality Patterns, joins me on today’s episode to talk about the 5 personality patterns. We dive in to the importance of these patterns and how they can help you build a more sustainable bond. He is also providing a FREE guide to help you navigate understanding people which you can download HERE! If you’re ready to figure out your personality patterns and improve your relationship, this is an episode you don’t want to miss.

Importance of Personality Patterns in Relationships [3:00]

• “It’s important to learn about the different patterns your partners do. Why do you do what you do? Why does your partner do what they do? The way to stop fighting is to figure out how to make each other feel safe.”
• “If you’re able to understand what others need to feel safer, it’s an easier choice for you to give them what they need.”

The Leaving Pattern [10:47]

• “A person in this pattern is easily overwhelmed by (big) energies coming into their space and will get out. They will physically leave or leave their body.”
• “Understand what patterns YOU do, so you can interact with others in a skillful way.”

Neutrality [22:03]

• “It helps us to have more empathy and compassion when we realize everyone’s not seeing the world through the same lens.”
• “When we’re caught in a pattern, we only see a slice of the picture. It’s not the whole picture but we think it is.”

Are You Looking At The Same Picture? [27:57]

• “A person in rigid pattern tends to experience the world more through words than direct perception.”
• “For some patterns, the energy may be the most important part of the interaction. For other patterns, the words may be the most important.”

Merging Patterns [34:40]

• “Merging pattern focus is on the other person and the heart-to-heart connection, creating a sense of safety. If that connection is broken, it could make them feel abandoned and let down.”
• “The simple merging pattern is the child's role of needing things and help. The compensated merging is more like the mother role of fixing things while ignoring their own needs.”

The Difference in Patterns [56:25]

• “We draw in partners that compliment what makes us feel safe, but there can be other patterns underneath that can still clash with your pattern.”
• “If people can find someone with at least one pattern in common, it gives us mutual ground.”

Aggressive Pattern [1:06:54]

• “They believe that it’s all on them, it’s a matter of will, and no one is coming to help.”
• “They are living in a constant state of fight or flight, with no way to come down from that and trust.”

Is There Hope for Relationships? [1:12:01]

• “Take personal responsibility and accountability for your patterns and the ways you fall into them, learn that about your partner, and actively pursue alternative responses to how you traditionally react.”

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