How differentiated are you? The key signs that indicate your level of success in a relationship

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In today's episode Angela talks about the concept of differentiation. Differentiation refers to our ability to develop and evolve psychologically, on our own and in relationships with others. In relationships we need to maintain our sense of self while also getting close to another person without losing our identity. Differentiation means we are neither emotionally fused nor are we completely separate from each either; we know who we are and we can tolerate our partner being different from us. We can be our self within the structure of an intimate relationship. The higher the level of differentiation in the couple, the more mature and successful the relationship. 

Angela discusses the signs that show that you are in a relationship where one or both partners are poorly differentiated. Or maybe you are in a relationship that shows  high levels of differentiation?

Being locked up and thrown more closely together as a couple has been quite challenging for lots of couples during the pandemic. One indicator of a relationship that is mature and able to survive a lot of strain and stress in the relationship is the level of differentiation. Arguably a high level of differentiation in both partners is the number one indicator of a successful relationship. 

In a nutshell differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love. 

There are two forces that pull us in a different direction in every relationship:

• Our need for togetherness. The pull to be loved and belong, to be part of a group. In this polarity, we might choose to minimize our personal preferences or dull our traits in order to be loved by our partner.
• Autonomy/individuality. The pull to be myself and to follow my own directives. The need to create our own unique identify. 

Differentiation is higher order to togetherness and autonomy. In relationships we need both. In today’s society independence is prized above all. It is seen as as strength. Therefore there is often confusion about this in relationships. Surely, if I am more independent that’s a good thing? Independence is a very valuable but relationships also require interdependence. We all have a need to be cared for and loved.

Signs that there are low levels of differentiation in the relationship include

• An excessive need for harmony and the complete avoidance of conflict.
• Constant fighting as both partners can only see their own position as valid. 
• Distancing yourself from your partner based on the belief that nothing can be resolved.
• Leading separate lives.
• Spilling over into each other. One or both partners feel responsible for the feelings of the other.

Contact us for information about individual counselling/psychotherapy, couples therapy, clinical supervision or CPD training.
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