453: Dr. Gary Chapman - The 5 Love Languages, Resolving Conflict, & Building Trust

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Gary Chapman, PhD, is the author of the bestselling The 5 Love Languages® series, which has sold more than 20 million worldwide and has been translated into 50 languages. Dr. Chapman travels the world presenting seminars on marriage, family, and relationships, and his radio programs air on more than 400 stations. 

Notes:

• The Five Love Languages:
  • Words of Affirmation - Words of affirmation is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone's primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement.\
  • Quality Time - For those who identify with quality time as their love language, love and affection are expressed through undivided attention. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the tablet, making eye contact, and actively listening.
  • Physical Touch - A person with this love language feels loved through physical affection.
  • Acts of Service - For acts of service, a person feels loved and appreciated when someone does nice things for them, such as helping with the dishes, running errands, vacuuming, or putting gas in the car.
  • Receiving Gifts - Gift-giving is symbolic of love and affection for someone with this love language. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into it.
• My personal Love Language assessment results:
  • Quality Time: 37%
  • Words of Affirmation: 33%
  • Acts of Service: 20%
  • Physical Touch: 10%
  • Receiving Gifts: 0%
• We all express and receive love differently. Consequently, understanding those differences can make a serious impact on your relationship. According to Dr. Chapman, this exercise is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships. Here are some ways that understanding love languages can improve your relationship:
  • Promotes selflessness - When you are committed to learning someone else's love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own.
  • Creates empathy - As someone learns more about how their partner experiences love, they learn to empathize with them.
  • Maintains intimacy - If couples regularly talk about what keeps their love tanks full, this creates more understanding in their relationship.
  • Aids personal growth - When someone is focused on something or someone outside of themselves, it can lead to personal growth.
  • Shares love in meaningful ways - When couples start speaking one another's love language, the things they do for their partners not only become more intentional but also become more meaningful.
• It’s not a feeling. The “in love” feeling wears off after about 2 years. It’s an attitude to love someone. “I want to do anything I can to enrich your life.” There is a thought process and intention behind it.
• Keys to being a better listener:
  • Start with the intention to understand THEIR perspective
  • Do not interrupt the other person
  • Wait until they are completely done speaking
• How to earn back trust?
  • Forgiveness is not a feeling, it's a choice. You have to make the choice to forgive someone.
• Thank you to Verywellmind.com for help preparing for this conversation