#151 - Competitive Eating is Stupid

Is it just me, or is there nothing more cringeworthy than witnessing a dude shoveling cylindrical meat down his hot dog hole at breakneck speed while a throng of bystanders cheer him on as if he’s accomplishing a feat worthy of applause? I mean, what is the fascination with watching a guy with shark eyes inhaling unholy amounts of poor-quality food to the deepest part of the throat for the sole purpose of simply proving that we have officially reached the pinnacle of species entitlement?

Who the fuck are we?

For millennia, humans have scavenged overgrown forests and arid plains risking life and limb for the luxury of filling the belly maybe once a day if he was lucky. But now we are so detached from the hunter/gatherer reality, that we can make a mockery of the most sacred gift to anything living, which is the transference of life energy.

I feel like we’re going to be punished for this someday. Like, there’s a giant flat screen in the sky and The Great Creator is smoking a spliff with his feet propped up on the ottoman while catching highlights on SportsCenter--and he enjoys a good contest, but this one pisses him off. So much so, that he teaches us a lesson with something called famine.

Now, there are things in life that suck, but I’m pretty sure nothing sucks more than perpetual hunger.

Throughout history, there have been examples of cultures relishing abundance for whatever reason. Like electronics in Times Square, the Rastafarians endlessly smoking dreadlock-sized joints, or the weirdo plastered with way too many tattoos. But food should be the one thing that is sacred.

I’ve got an idea that would make competitive eating cool. Turn it into a biathlon where the second contest is who can pile up the most barf.

And the loser washes the dishes.

Now that would be worth watching.