'It's not me, it's you' - how blaming can break relationships

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In today's episode we talk about blaming others and being at the receiving end of blame. Do you often blame our partner or other people you go on a date with?

Couples often blame their partner for things that go wrong in their life. Often one partner criticises the other aggressively and the other partner defends or withdraws. The more one defends or withdraws, the more the other protests and continues blaming. This cycle can go on for some time. Research by John Gottman shows that couples who get into a toxic blaming/defence pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of getting divorced within the first 5 years of their relationship.

Do you notice that you tend to point the finger at your partner or the other person when you feel frustrated, irritated, anxious or distressed? Or do you notice that you always defend? Constant defensiveness can be an underhand way of blaming the other person too.

When we blame the other, we usually discharge some form of pain. Often the blaming partner does not feel heard, understood or cared for. Sometimes we pass on unpleasant feelings that we cannot tolerate ourselves to our partner. 

For the person who is always at the receiving end of blame by their partner managing this can be extremely hard if their self esteem or confidence is low to begin with. Being constantly blamed is undermining and contributes to a lack of trust in oneself as well as the relationship. 

Frequent blame in the relationship is a sign of disconnection. 

The opposite of blaming is taking responsibility of your own actions and being accountable. You can let your partner know how their actions impact on you. Rather than attacking, you can say "I feel..." or "when ......, I don't feel connected to you", or "I would love it if...."

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