The Second Fear - Ep. 16

When our secondary emotions work out well, we call them instincts. When they cause us to do stupid things, we shrug and say "I was in a weird place I guess" or "It seemed like the thing to do at the time."

If we understand how secondary emotions work, we can shape them over time. With training, our secondary emotions can help us to think and react better under stress. 

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Here's the process that we outline at the end of this episode: 

The next time you’re in a difficult situation in which you struggle to manage your emotions well, run through this quick sequence:

1. Identify your stress response - What are you feeling, what is your body doing, and what is happening in your mind? 
2. Use a specific skill to regulate your stress response (start with controlling your breathing, with a focus on deep, slow exhales. From there, you can consider other mental skills like segmenting or compartmentalization.)
3. Identify the secondary emotion triggered by this situation and your stress response - What do your impulses drive you to do at this moment? 
4. If your emotional impulses are pushing you in a direction you don’t want to go, think of them like bad weather. You can feel the wind blow and watch storm clouds pass overhead, but you can still do what you need to do anyway. The weather will pass, it doesn’t have to change your actions. Acknowledge what you’re feeling, and then recognize that a temporary feeling doesn’t have to be in charge of your actions. You don’t have to feel like doing the right thing to do it anyway. 

Once the moment has passed and you’ve got some perspective, your final step is to run a feedback loop:

1. Ask yourself how it went, how well you were able to regulate your stress response, and how effectively you were able to act in the way you had planned for. Remember that we learn by making and correcting errors at the edge of our ability, so look for mistakes and places to improve. Refer back to the principles of stress inoculation and keep in mind that you may have to adjust the intensity of the situation to keep yourself just on the edge of your ability where success is challenging but possible.