116 - Christmas Cocoa with Coach Cuckoo

ANDY LEVY comes out of retirement and needs A CHEERFUL CHRISTMAS with THE CHRISTMAS COACH (2022), all that plus: 

Highlights and analysis from Cousin Peter.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

The New Abnormal, an unserious podcast ... A Pink Slime Concentrate Christmas ... Treacly AND bland ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Evading all tension ... Rent a snowmaker, get an eggnog ... Spot the Angel: A film without God; Colleen should've been dead; charity dad; Joyce, the Alfred ... Charity? Drink! ... The real Santa Claus is an aristocrat

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO  

Eat Your Heart Out: Thermos of VX; open eggnog pushing; rock-crushing cookie foley; blueberry pancakes or RASPBERRY?; Haunting of Hill House gravel/rat plate; cabbage rolls; plain crackers, crackers with electric yellow squares; electric-red wine; punching away whipped cream ... Vague mustache ... Chad Connell's resting "who tf is this face" ... Erica Deutschmann's surreally stoned choices ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Christmas Train Appreciation Station; Patreon plug; Shoe Addict's Christmas nostalgia; Episodes 33, 44, 48, 58, 113 ... 

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART THREE 

Overdetermined: What's the theme anyway?; importance of Christmas soliloquies; everything or nothing; mid-point Christmas wish swap ... Get her dad just to get her dad ... Breathe app ... Edward G. Robinson ... Crossover: Films in asylums; Joyce on Frasier; Christmas coaching on Team Foxcatcher; Tyne Durden ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A big no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All characters but maybe James; Maryam for sure; Lauren, verbal diarrhea, party in the house, and Christmas College ... Rebekah Mercer's Snow Polo 2019 ... Polo noob ...

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FOUR 

Who's the Real Villain: No; or maybe personal charity over group charity; but that's still not a villain; Maryam's self-collapsing villainy; America's mental healthcare ... Not dunking on mental illness ... Title/Sequel: "Christmas Coach" is MUCH better; temp title; The Christmas Clubber; Colleen's functional alcoholic masterminding ... Rating: 1.5 ... Erica Deutschmann Exculpation Station ... These don't have to be bad but this was ... 

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART FIVE   

The Leftovers: Chad Connell in The Retreat ... IMDB Dive: Hearts of Spring retrospective ... Kymlicka handles the Deutschmann account ... Superfluous kiss fakeouts ... Instantly functional Bluetooth ... Shovel-handing collapse/fling ... Jeterian shortstoppage ... One hour, 30 pieces of cashmere ... Personification Hut ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!  

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne.

Follow Andy on Twitter: @AndyLevy

Listen to The New Abnormal here.