112: How to set boundaries when friends and family don't like them with Jenel

This episode is about setting boundaries with friends when you are making a choice that they may not agree with. Today’s caller Jenel grew up in a chaotic environment with a fair share of trauma. She has such a high tolerance for toxicity and recently found herself in a relationship that carries out the same pattern from her childhood.

It can be difficult to see the level of toxicity in a relationship when we have a high tolerance for abusive and unhealthy behavior. Jenel learned that her job as a small child was to take responsibility by playing the role of counselor to her parents and trying to keep a level of peace within the home. It makes sense that she would find herself straight in the eye of a similar relationship now as an adult. We often seek out relationships in our adult life that feel similar to the unfinished business we had with a parent or parents. Another way to say that is we seek out what often feels familiar.

Jenel came into this session, not so much concerned with the issues in her relationship, but more concerned with how her friends and family will respond to her trying to make this relationship work. Sometimes we confuse love with what feels familiar and call it safety. We can also become easily confused and get caught up in the fantasy of what we want a relationship to look like.

However, her partner feels truly broken and craves change for HIMSELF-which is a great sign. However, when there has been a history of trauma, it’s important to move slowly and tread lightly.

Before listening to this episode consider:

• Do you always try to play the role of peacekeeper?
• Do you believe it is your job to fix other people’s problems?
• Do you find that you often walk on eggshells?
• Are you often the one in your relationships trying to keep the peace?
• Did you have a tumultuous childhood and are you repeating those patterns in your adult life?
• Do you crumble and fall apart when it’s time to set a boundary?

Jenel’s Question:

How do I set boundaries with friends and family members around this topic of getting back into a relationship that previously has been unhealthy?

Boundaries will feel like death when your approval and safety has been built upon what other people think of you. This is why nervous system regulation is essential when it comes to boundary setting. Most of us know when we need to set a boundary. However we don’t really know how to DO boundaries. Nervous system regulation shows your system that you are safe in the present moment-allowing yourself to relax and connect with your internal truth.

Safety is your system’s top priority, therefore, anything that might threaten your safety (in this case, setting a boundary) is met with fear and activates your nervous system, triggering your self-protective mechanisms (fight/flight/freeze/fawn).

Healing occurs when, in a state of regulation, we connect to our truth and learn to tolerate the discomfort of communicating our truth. The ability to complete on setting a boundary begins to reshape our nervous system to feel more safe the next time we set a boundary.

“When you approve of you-you don’t put so much energy into what others think of you.” ~Krista Resnick

“When you don’t have a caregiver or parent tending to your needs, you will seek outside of yourself to feel worth and enough.” ~Krista

“We seek out that which often feels familiar.” ~Krista Resnick

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