116: Breaking the cycle of avoiding conflict with Katie

What happens when you try to set a boundary with someone but old stories and programming are driving you to feel guilty and say yes.

Guilt can be a helpful feeling when we have actually done something wrong. It allows us the opportunity to re-route our behavior, clean up our mess, make amends and move on. When looked at this way-guilt can be a beautiful feeling.

However, guilt can often be used in an unhealthy manner. Many times we want to be seen as a good person, so we use guilt to beat ourselves up-to make ourselves suffer for a choice we made so that we still can be seen as a good mom, good friend, good daughter, good wife.

Today’s caller Katie has butted heads with her daughter since she was born. When Katie and her ex divorced, she admits she would give in to her daughter’s every whim in fear of losing her to her ex-husband.

Katie is finding herself in a new season of life, excited about her future as she is soon to be an empty nester. However, she is concerned that she will slip into old patterns with her daughter of over giving when it's not even necessarily asked. Katie feels driven by guilt and old the programming that sounds like I will be a “bad mom” if I don’t chip in and help.

Katie and I spend a lot of time unpacking how she feels in her body when she is triggered at the idea of setting a boundary with her daughter. Setting boundaries is a lot more than saying NO. For many of us who grew up with wounding around being seen and valued, we learned to give our power away to being in other people’s good graces. The thought that someone was upset with us, literally felt like death.

So while I could give Katie every boundary script to advocate for her needs, the real work here is to get the body on board. The real work in boundary setting is learning how to focus on boundaries from two perspectives: somatic (or physical, bodily) experiences and verbal (or spoken) boundaries.

When we are dysregulated in our bodies, our boundaries will always be set from that place of scarcity, lack and limitation which is never good for us or for nurturing our relationships.

Consider:

• Do you feel guilt or shame when asking for what you need?
• Are you always putting others first?
• Do you resent other people for crossing invisible lines you’re too scared to communicate?
• What sort of modeling did you see in regard to boundary setting when you were growing up?
• Does conflict scare you?
• Would you rather shove everything under the rug rather than deal with the issues at hand?

Katie’s Question:My daughter is going through a divorce, and needs more financial and time support. And I'm afraid that I'm not going to be able to set clear boundaries with her about how much I can give.

Listen to learn:

• How to tap into the wisdom of the body
• What it looks like to create a pause button before you acquiesce or potentially say yes to something that you’re not quite certain about.
• What it means to set boundaries from an empowered place
• How to stop avoiding conflict and speak up for yourself in a way that is still compassionate and kind
• Why conflict is a beautiful thing
• How you can move forward in your relationships if there has been a rupture

“Boundaries require a level of somatic work. Because when we know how to regulate ourselves, only then can we actually set a boundary from our place of truth.” ~Krista Resnick

“Conflict is an opportunity to call us forward and claim what matters to us.” ~Krista Resnick

LINKS:

HEALTHY HOLIDAY BOUNDARIES WORKSHOP