14: Weaponized Incompetence with Dr. Lesley Cook

Today’s topic is weaponized incompetence. If you aren’t familiar with the term, stay tuned and learn more with us. I’m thrilled to be joined again by Dr. Lesley Cook, who is a psychologist and good friend. She lives in Virginia and works mostly with neurodivergent kids, adolescents, and adults. Join us for the conversation!

Show Highlights:

• An explanation of “weaponized incompetence” and what it means
• How weaponized incompetence applies to the division of household labor 
• The key to analyzing weaponized incompetence: Why is it happening?
• Why this is a tricky topic, especially for those who are neurodivergent and feel challenged
• Why dignity should be preserved in these conversations with a partner
• Why it’s OK to set boundaries even if someone is unintentionally hurting you
• Ways to solve problems without shame or blame
• The difference in functional barriers and weaponized incompetence
• How to talk through solutions and support for a partner
• How “maternal gatekeeping” plays into the dynamic
• Why couples need to have conversations about care tasks, household chores, and childcare BEFORE they have kids
• Why there is a difference between weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness
• Dr. Lesley’s tips: “Approach your partner in good faith, open up the conversation, and ask for collaboration in finding something that works better for BOTH partners.”
• Why the question should be, “Is exploitation happening?”
• Why you can’t go on appearances regarding a division of labor
• How to begin the approach with a partner or child: “This isn’t working for me; how can we figure this out together?”

Resources:

Connect with Dr. Lesley: TikTok and Instagram

Connect with KC: TikTok and Instagram

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

Helpful resources mentioned in this episode:

 How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn

 Fair Play by Eve Rodsky 

     The Sensory Child Gets Organized by Carolyn Dalgliesh

     Ready for Take-Off by Theresa E. Laurie Maitland and Patricia O. Quinn

                 A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD by Sari Solden, Michelle Frank, and Ellen Littman

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