Ruby: I’m a Sex & Love Addict and I Struggle with Sexual Anorexia & Intimacy
Ruby shares her story of struggle and hope as she overcomes anorexia, sex and love addiction, and fear of intimacy. Listen as she shares her journey through twelve step programs, therapy and support from family and friends. Gain insight into her challenges and victories as she opens up to discuss her experiences and share her wisdom. Ruby’s story will inspire you to face your own challenges and find the courage to heal.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.
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SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:
addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.
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Transcript
[0:00:00] Ruby: The part of me that will keep saying no because I'm so afraid of letting someone in. And the big umbrella of the whole thing is I'm so terrified to let anyone know me.
[0:00:17] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Live Podcast. I'm brienne. Davis. Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves and others. You know, those deep, dark secrets we probably want to go to our grave with, or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain and embarrassing.
[0:01:18] Brianne Davis: Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all. My guest today is Ruby. Ruby, my question for you is "what is your secret?"
[0:01:30] Ruby: All right, so my secret is that I am a sex and love addict. And there are other components to that as well, which is like, there's the anorexia of sex and love addiction.
[0:01:42] Brianne Davis: Well, let's talk about that. Everybody knows I'm in the program. How long have you been around?
[0:01:50] Ruby: I think my whole life. I've been around in other twelve step programs for my whole life. The People Pleasing program. The Allen on program. I've been in that one. But what I realized was that I had a lot of my own little things that I kept hidden by all the ways that I tried to manage and control everybody outside of myself. I would say that I started in the Alanon program, which is really trying to manage and control. And then I started to recognize that I never wanted anybody to see my flaws. That was part of my thing. So a lot of my stuff was just this strange behavior that manifested like sex and love addiction. It sort of came out in a way that to get things as a way to avoid things as a way to avoid intimacy, because we all know the definition of intimacy is intimately, you see, but I love that term, but I used it. I just always had an ulterior motive with sex and love addiction until I learned that love and sex is supposed to be a byproduct of commitment and sharing and connection and cooperation and all these beautiful things. They talk about it. I never had any experience with it in that realm. I always just thought it was to be used as a tool and never as something that actually was something that was beautiful for engaging in a partnership with someone.
[0:03:08] Ruby: My whole life on that.
[0:03:10] Brianne Davis: Yeah, as we've discussed it before. I know for me, I would put on these masks to become someone else. I never wanted to show the real me.
[0:03:22] Ruby: Yeah. Which is really exhausting and very painful. And then I think as you get older, we get tired of wearing a mask all the time. You need to breathe, whereas when you're not being who you are, you are imploding on yourself. You're keeping everything kept inside. So I think recognizing that I had that thing, which was like why I always felt so weird about intimacy and relationships kept me so disconnected from my partners. So I was able to have a partnership with friends, like girlfriends. I could have great relationships with girlfriends. I felt super connected. I was able to be super intimate with my girlfriends in the way that we communicated and whatnot. But when it came to a partner where there was actual physical intimacy and the friendship, I didn't know how to combine the two. I could have intimacy, but I didn't know how to be friends with those people. I just knew that I had to put on my little sex kitten characteristic and be this little thing to make them think about me the way I wanted myself to be looked at as, which kept me far away from being able to be who I was and also from being able to speak out for what I needed. So it was a long, long lot of years worth of not being who I was in my intimacy life and it was very painful looking back at it.
[0:04:38] Brianne Davis: So let's say you've been around and you've looked at it and you've done the work. But now I really want to discuss the anorexia side of it because I haven't actually discussed that yet. So I'm interested if you want to explain that to the listeners.
[0:04:54] Ruby: Yeah. So anorexia in the realm of sex and love addiction is the same as like food addiction where eating disorders in the realm. Plus I have that too. When I was younger, I did a lot of messing around with anorexia as far as in the food realm, what it is, it's a fear of overeating. So you tend to undereat and the smaller you can become, the safer you feel. So it's kind of like that. With sexuality, the way that it manifested was I would go really quickly into a relationship with someone. Like, I would meet someone and I would probably be sleeping with them that.
[0:05:29] Brianne Davis: Day and then moving in and then like, no, I didn't really do that.
[0:05:34] Ruby: A lot of my time I didn't.
[0:05:35] Brianne Davis: Either, but I know a lot of people.
[0:05:37] Ruby: I know a lot of people that do that. I was too smart for that because I knew that just down the line. Also, that was too scary because the anorexic part of me would be like, that would make me crazy if I had to be around that person for too long because I feel like I need to get away. I couldn't tolerate that kind of intimacy. So anorexia in the realm of sex and love addiction is sort of getting like I would just have a casual sex encounter with someone because it was a lot safer than letting somebody see me or letting myself see someone else. And it had only to do with the body and the physical sensation, but nothing to do with connection. Right? Yeah. And then all of a sudden, I didn't have to get turned off by that person, by what thing they might do or say that would turn me off. So it was a way to stay very disconnected, very unintimate. But you're having intimacy, which is such a really strange dual thing. You're being intimate, but you don't know the person at all, and you're allowing yourself to be physically intimate. But getting to know someone was far too scary, so quick. Intimacies with strangers was a lot more comfortable for me. And anorexia kicks in in that I would go long periods of time without being with someone, so terrified to actually allow myself to be intimate with someone.
[0:06:53] Ruby: And then I would get to where having a quick intimacy to someone was starting to hurt me too much. It started to feel too painful. So I would then just be like, I'm not going to be with anyone until I feel really comfortable with someone. But the anorexia part of me would not let myself get to know someone well enough to feel comfortable. So then I would go through these periods of time where I was feeling very anorexic.
[0:07:15] Brianne Davis: So it's withholding it's withholding yourself and your sexuality. It's withholding I definitely know what that feels like for me. It's easier too, to be intimate with someone I don't know than intimate with someone I love. The two didn't go together. So how long were the periods of you being anorexic sexually?
[0:07:38] Ruby: I mean, there were some times where I would go two years without having being sexual with someone. Maybe I'd have a make out session here or there, but there would be sometimes two years. I think the longest is maybe. I think three years is complete, no abstinence from sex, but like I said, a few little makeups and those few little make outs, or there would be like three years of complete and total abstinence from sex, thinking that I was doing something really good for myself. Yeah, myself for the right thing. And then I'd meet someone, and then that night I'd sleep with them. I'd be like, what just happened? How did I go from not being with anyone for three years thinking that I was going to do the right thing for myself and save myself until I felt connected to someone? And then I meet someone and my brain goes into just like an alcoholic who's been sober, thinking like, I'm not going to drink that drink. I don't need to drink that first thing. Then you're like, I could just have a sip. It'll be okay. Yeah. And I'm not an alcoholic, but that's from what I've read. That's so funny to me, but that's how it works in the realm of sexual addiction and sexual anorexia is I can go being very strong about it, and I'm not going to have an encounter with someone that's not connected.
[0:08:52] Ruby: And then I just meet someone and then they look at me a certain way, and then I think, just hang out with that person. I haven't been with anybody in a while. And then all of a sudden, they'll be trying to be sexual with me. And I'll be like, no, I'm not going to go there. And then they get aggressive enough. And to me, that's like a go. Like, if somebody's going to be aggressive enough and that's the part of me that I really check into, was the part of me that needed that person to be that aggressive to where then I would just roll over and be like, okay. And that scared me that once somebody got aggressive and over me, then I would just be like, okay.
[0:09:27] Brianne Davis: Do you know what that ties from? Did you tie it back to anything?
[0:09:31] Ruby: I mean, I've done so much writing on it. I think ever since the beginning of my intimacy life, I always heard in my voice the voice in my head was my mother being like, don't let men touch you. They'll hurt you. They'll try to take advantage of you. They'll hurt you. All this negative, negative, negative, negative. So I have this total like, no. And then what happens? I say no, but then if somebody come along and be that aggressive, I would think, wow, they really must like me. They really want to be with me.
[0:10:04] Brianne Davis: That makes sense.
[0:10:05] Ruby: Yeah. So then my head will think, well, I guess maybe this is meant to be since they really want to be with me, but not like, thinking in terms of like they just want to get laid. They're going to be a little bit some people are a little shy and.
[0:10:16] Brianne Davis: They are like, they need me. I need to give them this because they need it so bad. They want me so much.
[0:10:24] Ruby: Yeah. And that makes me feel important. Like, they must really want me. I must be really valuable that they're really going to try to push me. Not thinking like, my no should be my no is enough, but also the anorexic part of the no part of my voice will keep going for three years because I keep saying, no, no, no, the anorexic part of me until someone is aggressive enough. And then I'm like, okay, well, they really want me, so I should say yeah, because maybe I haven't been with anybody a long time. Maybe I just need to let go and just relax about this. This is quick switches of my brain out.
[0:11:03] Brianne Davis: Here's my question for you and for other people that don't understand this. Do you find that the anorexia side of this disease very hard? I almost find it more difficult to overcome than the acting out part.
[0:11:18] Ruby: Do you agree? Yes. Because you can get caught in that cycle of I'm not going to let the part of me that will keep saying no because I'm so afraid of letting someone in. And the big umbrella of the whole thing is I'm so terrified to let anyone know me and really see me. So that part of me is stronger, is really strong, so I can go long periods of time. And like I said, there are these moments of, like, amnesia where I forget and I'll just sleep with somebody after two years of no one. Right? At that one moment, I'll just be like, he's really cute. He's really sweet. I'll just whatever, let's just have fun. Because there's that part of me that just thinks, let's just live a little. Let it go. But that's the extreme other side. There has to be like a middle ground is what I'm finding is like, that's not okay and not and not they say the anorexia of Sly is not doing something and not doing something and not doing something just like you can. Like I'm noticing in my writing and all my growing right now, my issues have been coming up for me is like change.
[0:12:25] Ruby: Change is really hard for me.
[0:12:27] Brianne Davis: It's hard for a lot of people. Just so you know, change is very difficult for people.
[0:12:32] Ruby: It's really hard. But I find it easier when I have people around me that support me. But I've kind of been solo for a little while, and so I really find that change thing has really been triggering for me of, like, I'm trying to make some decisions about to move or to not move or to rent my house or not rent a house or to stay or to not. Or I get to invite someone to rent part of the house. I've had ongoing things like that and my fear of making a mistake. Maybe it's the mother in my voice, the mother had saying, you're going to make a mistake and you're going to screw yourself over and you're going to get hurt. They're going to hurt you, they're going to take you. It kind of bled through now. That's an old story, and I've slowly been trying to move that story out from the forefront of my path because it's blocking me from taking risks and jumping in and jumping in the current. Like, I read something beautiful about how awesome is that when you can jump in the current and not grab the sides, not be gripping the sides of the little riverbank because you're so terrified of where you might end up. But to actually release your fingers and trust something much bigger than you and see where that flow takes you. That's been my journey lately, is prying my fingers off of everything. And COVID has actually been really helping me with that because it's such a weird powerless time period right now for everybody that having to prime my fingers off everything that I think I know and let go and see what's coming down that river.
[0:14:00] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I agree. That's exactly what we are working on is just like letting go and whatever is going to be, is going to be, and we're always taking care of. But I do want to get back at this anorexia thing and I want to attach this kind of shame of anorexia withholding yourself, with these seven deadly sins, not in the religious sense, but more in the character defect sense. So I'm going to name them for you. Okay, we got Pride, greed, lust, gluttony, envy, anger and sloth.
[0:14:31] Ruby: Okay. So the biggest ones for me are pride and sonic amount of pride about looking good, which is also tied into like, people pleasing how I want people to see me as opposed to what I actually am wanting to control, that there is some lust takes over a little bit sometimes. Read them again.
[0:14:56] Brianne Davis: We have greed, lust, gluttony, envy, anger and sloth.
[0:15:01] Ruby: There is some greed. I find there is a part of me that I want to hold on to everything physically, metaphorically, monetarily, control. I want to hold on to everything in the way of it's a greed thing to me. It's not open handedly like money. I read something else, like money. I'm on a growing spur right now. Money. Every time you spend money, I read something that said you're supposed to say, well, in this particular thing you said, Arigato, money going out. Arigato, money coming in. So thank you to the money going out and thank you to the money coming in just as much as the money coming in. The money going out should be a thank you. And to me, that is where gluttony or greed is the same with withholding sex. It's the same withholding my connection to intimacy. Allowing somebody to see me. It's covering it's, holding myself small.
[0:16:08] Ruby: It's the same as trying to control everything, keeping it in my hands rather than opening my hands. I think those are the big ones for me.
[0:16:16] Brianne Davis: Well, I also think what you said with the money and with the sex, it's this flow. It's a flow, it's a continuous flow. And when you stop that energy, you're stopping the flow of you. Because my therapist used to tell me, like money, it flows out and it comes back in. It's just paper. There's actually no meaning behind it. And with sexuality, it's like you have to stay open and let that flow. So you find yourself closing down.
[0:16:44] Ruby: Yeah, exactly. I love that.
[0:16:46] Brianne Davis: So who has this anorexia side benefited and who has it harmed?
[0:16:53] Ruby: Well, the illusion was that the anorexia was going to keep me really safe. But really, the anorexia has kept me really small and has kept me very disconnected and has kept me terrified. It's kept me small, physically, emotionally, mentally small and disconnected. So really, myself, who it's hurt is I would say that the anorexia part of me has hurt everyone that I'm in contact with. My family members, like my brothers and sisters, who see me kind of like get so hard about wanting to control things and trying to manage everything, which is like the anorexia is trying to keep everything just right and keep your food just small enough to where you stay small enough and keep your sexuality. Don't let it out too much because you might get hurt by someone, you might look.
[0:17:50] Brianne Davis: Are you always worried too, with the anorexia, that you're going to lose control?
[0:17:55] Ruby: Yes. And then there's fears that come with that, and the fears that come with that are like when I was young, I remember being terrified of STDs, like a physical thing. Like if you allow yourself to be, there are STDs. I had all these fears and in life, everything is possible. The truth is, it's like you can get an STD and it's not the end of the earth. But what it is is it's important to live. It's important to live. And also on the biggest scheme of the mall is to try something bigger than you. Yes, we have to take action to be safe, and yes, we have to know the people we're being involved with a bit, not do. And yes, we have to try something with someone. We're not 100%, but we feel pretty good about it and we've talked it out and we're reasoning things out with people that we trust, our God Squad team, because ultimately there is a God. There is a God and we're here on the planet and we're still here on the planet and there are everyday things happening and we're not in control of any of it, as we can clearly see now with COVID But there has to be a point of risk and a point of releasing your fingers from trying to figure everything out. And so the person I think really it's hurt. And it's hurt my partners, because the part of me that would become frustrated with my partners and fearful that I was not trusting them, then I would withdraw and then I would shut the wall would come down, boom. And then they couldn't see me.
[0:19:34] Ruby: I would cover myself in my own wall from the anorexia. That would also prevent me from like that saying, whatever the walls that are keeping you from experiencing your joy will keep you from experiencing your pain. And we're supposed to be living life and feeling all of it so that you can have an experience. And I love that thing about like, your heart. Anorexic will try to protect its heart, protect itself. Don't have intimacy. You don't know, stay away from everyone, they're going to all hurt you. And so I love that thing where it says you want to, at the end of the day, have a heart that's scarred and ripped and has bled and has been beat up a bit. Because that means that you've been allowing love in. You've been allowed as opposed to one that is so preserved and so well cared for, because you've protected yourself from any good, any bad, any middle ground, and you've just stayed safe.
[0:20:28] Brianne Davis: And I think you also hit on something that I love when you said the walls around you, that it's protecting you from the pain. But I think what's important is when the past, what I've looked at, it doesn't just keep out the pain, it does keep out the joy, it does keep out the happiness, it keeps out everything. You don't get to choose which emotion you can keep in and keep out. If you're closed off, you're closed off to all the emotions and yourself and.
[0:20:58] Ruby: You'Re closed off for yourself. I would say to my because my brothers and sisters, my family really see it because I'm really close to my family but they would always be like I would always be like I feel so shut down I can't get out. And they'd be like what's happening? I'm like, you did that thing that made me angry and stressed me out and then my wall came down and then now I'm stuck and it's really hard for me to soften once I've been hardened and my wall comes down. So it's been a really interesting journey of trying to learn to not let the wall shut down so that I can let some of the light come in. They say like the light comes in through the cracks, right? Yeah. And if you don't let any cracks open then no light can come in. And that's what's been my journey lately is letting myself open up across the board with everything and allow some light in so that I can take some risks and I can have some new experiences and that's been my journey and.
[0:21:54] Brianne Davis: That you can give and take, like to others. There's an exchange. So my last question for you before we go is how do you move forward or how would you give advice to someone that is feeling stuck?
[0:22:10] Ruby: I personally really love twelve sip programs. There's a program for every way that you mask your feelings. There's the drinker program, the beverage program. There's the anorexic if you're under eating your feelings away and trying to make yourself small. There's the overeater program if you're eating your feelings away, trying to avoid. There's the program for if you're using money to either hoard and hoard everything, thinking you're going to be safe if you hoard everything or those people who overspend where they have nothing left. There is a twelve step program for every situation gamblers every way I should speak for myself, but I know my experience is that most people have a way in which they cover themselves with.
[0:22:54] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I call it everybody has an Ism.
[0:22:57] Ruby: There you go. And there's an Ism program for everything. So I personally like Twelve Sit Program because there are no leaders, there's no governing people. Everybody kind of runs it and it's like free. Basically. You donate a couple of dollars, there's no like, oh, get a loan out on your house and we'll give you this course that will change your life. I've been in some of those too.
[0:23:20] Brianne Davis: I have to.
[0:23:21] Ruby: When you're feeling fragile, you'll do anything and I just think that's not fair when someone is vulnerable to dive in underneath them and grab them and then take advantage of them. So I think Twelve Sit Program to me is a safe way to take a look at your stuff. And then of course, therapy is always great. I think it's always good to talk things out with someone who really understands. And I think it's really important to create a God squad around you. People that you learn, that you meet through your Twelve Sip programs, a community of people that you feel you can call for different things and that you can be there for them too. Because as they say in Twelve Step, you can't keep what you don't give back. So if I get to learn all this cool stuff, I don't get to keep it unless I share it. So it really makes it a program of like you have to give back. Because if you don't give back and you're just lazy, like, I already got the good, I already feel good, I'm just going to go off now and live my life then that's the wrong way to look at it. The right way to look at it is, okay, I got it. Now I have to give it away so I can keep it.
[0:24:19] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I mean, really, that's the only way. And thank you so much for coming on and sharing with us today. Okay, if you want to be on the show, please email me at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time, thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast@icloud.com. And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.
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