Grateful recovering alcoholic Tess shares her journey to sobriety and the role of addiction in coping with chaos. With raw honesty, she delves into the underlying issues driving her drinking and how recovery programs like AA have been a source of support and relatability. Alongside Secret Life host, Brianne Davis-Gantt, they dive into the role of ego in human behavior and how recovery has shifted their focus from self-serving to being of service to others. This thought-provoking episode sheds light on the struggles of addiction and inspires listeners to attend meetings and hear other people's stories to find support in recovery.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.
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To share your secret and be a guest on the show email secretlifepodcast@icloud.com
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SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:
addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting, molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.
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Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle
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Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon
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HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?
Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)
Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)
Secret Life Podcast - Ep 144 - Tess: I’m a Grateful Recovering Alcoholic
TRANSCRIPT
[0:00:00] Tess: Like, addiction, you know, life.
[0:00:01] Brianne Davis: What?
[0:00:02] Tess: Like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, Look, I don't I know you guys are like, a top rated place in the country, but you have no idea what you're doing. These are my exact words. I'm like, if I'm an addict or an alcoholic, and so is every other 23-year-old in La. Like, to write famous last words.
[0:00:21] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret secret, I'll tell you mine.
Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves and others. You know those deep, dark secrets you probably want to go to our grave with are those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all.
[0:01:25] Brianne Davis: Today guest is Tess. Now, Tess, I have a question for you. What is your secret?
[0:01:34] Tess: Hi, I'm Tess, and I am grateful for recovering alcoholic.
[0:01:39] Brianne Davis: Wow, I really liked that. That was very profession like. We were in a meeting.
[0:01:43] Tess: Thank you.
[0:01:46] Brianne Davis: Sometimes I have to say, when people used to say grateful and whatever their addiction was, I used to get annoyed with them.
[0:01:52] Tess: Oh, it's the worst at the beginning.
[0:01:54] Brianne Davis: When you don't understand, like, spare me. But I love it now. It's such yes, because I am a grateful, sex and love addict. And when I hear people say that, I'm like, OOH, that sounds gross, but it's a blessing. Do you find that 100%?
[0:02:11] Tess: I find that it's a blessing. It took me a little bit to get to that spot where I really did feel grateful and that it all happened kind of for a greater good, but definitely take some hard work to get to that place.
[0:02:24] Brianne Davis: So when did this problem start with you? With alcohol?
[0:02:28] Tess: Well, I'm 27 now. And you're a baby. I'm a baby. I'll have three years on October 13, which I'm really excited about. So I did get sober young, but I always hear in meetings, because we go to so many of them, that you kind of grow up in the rooms and either AA or NA or whatever program that you're in kind of teaches you how to live a sober, happy, healthy life. And I feel like sometimes we grow up and we don't learn those huge AHA moments, but I really feel like I have kind of grown up in this program.
[0:03:06] Brianne Davis: So when did the drinking start? For you? What age?
[0:03:10] Tess: I would say the first time I consciously remember drinking to life, what if I was upset or to numb? Kind of like that was 16, which I felt was kind of I don't want to say average. I mean, everyone's story is so different, but for me, it was 16, and then it really kind of took off next level when I was in college.
[0:03:30] Brianne Davis: So can you take us through that progression for you?
[0:03:34] Tess: Sure. I mean, growing up, my family is from Germany, and, you know, everything always looked kind of perfect from the outside. I was really good at making sure everything looked great.
[0:03:46] Brianne Davis: Life.
[0:03:46] Tess: I was good at school. I did all the extra curriculars. I have friends, I had a boyfriend, whatever it was, I always make sure it looks really pretty from the outside, and that's a really hard facade to keep up as things start kind of crumbling down beneath you. And I was in college when things kind of really started to spin out of control, and things really started to take it up a notch. So, yeah, that's kind of when I noticed that I had a really close friends of mine pulling me aside and say, hey, what's going on? This is getting out of hand.
[0:04:19] Brianne Davis: But what were those behaviors that they were noticing that was getting out of hand? Were you at parties? Would you just life?
[0:04:25] Tess: Yeah, I would be going out every single night, and I was always really good at making things look like I had it under control. Right. That's like the attic thing. No, I got it. It's all good. I got it. Don't worry about me. Everything's fine. And so I was really good at making it look like I had it under control until I didn't have it under control. So I would be going out every single night. I didn't think I was hurting anybody because it was like my own actions and my stuff. Right. That's the classic. I wasn't hurting anyone or doing anything, which is just so not true. So, yeah, I would say it took me about four years, and then I love to kind of escape.
[0:05:03] Tess: And if I was feeling a certain way on the inside, I had to find external validation and go out and have superficial friendships and superficial things to make me have that whole my stomach and in my heart feel complete. You know what I mean?
[0:05:20] Brianne Davis: Yeah, completely. Yes. So I love filling that void, that empty. I always say it's life, that empty part in your soul that we just keep filling it with attention, buying dresses, makeup, life, eating life. We just keep filling it. And it's insatiable. It never is full 100%. So do you feel like your pattern definitely was, like, out in clubs with superficial people? Life was that tied into it?
[0:05:52] Tess: All tied into it 100%. So that's part of the story. Right. And then I actually went to school in the south. I went to school in Dallas, and then I moved to La. Which then is just like the Super Bowls, kind of that kind of situation.
[0:06:05] Brianne Davis: And I really just come to La. It seems like we're just why we.
[0:06:11] Tess: Have such a great recovery program. They always say wherever there's high levels of addiction, there's great levels of recovery, which is true. Yeah.
[0:06:19] Brianne Davis: La is a breeding ground for that.
[0:06:22] Tess: That's so funny. Yeah. But I made my way to La. And I was there for eight months before I went to treatment, so that was a pretty fast descend, I would guess.
[0:06:31] Brianne Davis: So what was that bottom moment? There was a lot of things.
[0:06:39] Tess: I have a two part story. I went to treatment in January 2017, but I didn't necessarily go for addiction. I went for trauma, depression, and anxiety, because that, like, overwhelming. You know when you have that hole and it feels like it's eating up inside you? It was just getting so overwhelming.
[0:06:55] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Like a snake life. I wanted to peel my skin and crawl out of my skin.
[0:07:00] Tess: Exactly. So I just kind of felt like that, and it was kept growing and growing to the point where I just felt like if this is what life was like, I didn't want to do it anymore. I'm like, this isn't fun. This isn't a good time. I don't get the point. Life dark thoughts and things like that, but I was just like, I need help. The first time I voiced that, and that was eight months after La. But I still didn't think I was an addict or an alcoholic. I wasn't even going for that. That wasn't even crossed my mind. I was like, I just need to figure out how not to feel so shitty all the time. I didn't even think that drugs and alcohol were a correlation to that.
[0:07:37] Brianne Davis: Let me ask you a question, though. You said you just didn't want to be living anymore. Did you actually have suicidal thoughts or you just didn't want to be on this planet? Life, you were like, I'm kind of done.
[0:07:49] Tess: I just didn't get it. I was life so negative, and I just felt like everyone was always happy, had that friend or that happiness, and I was like, so I missed how to Be Happy 101 class. I missed a day of school or something because everyone seems to have figured it out but me. And so that's how I felt, but I didn't know that's. Just like the underlying any type of ism alcoholism or whatever, however they talk about it in meetings. That's kind of the thing of, like, am I not enough? I'm not good enough. Why does everyone have this but me? It's kind of all the same underlying system, right?
[0:08:21] Brianne Davis: Yeah, they all are the exact same.
[0:08:24] Tess: Yeah. So I went to treatment, but I just wanted to figure out not to be so miserable, you fill out those giant questionnaires when you get there. Like 40 pages, 50 pages of every question you could ever be asked. And I meet with the counselor for the first time, and he's like, okay, so we're going to put you on addiction track one. Like, addiction?
[0:08:43] Brianne Davis: What?
[0:08:44] Tess: What are you talking about? And I'm like, Look, I know you guys are, like, a top rated place in the country, but you have no idea what you're doing. These are my exact words if I'm an addict or an alcoholic, and so is every other 23 year old in La. To write famous last words.
[0:09:00] Brianne Davis: I love it. I love it when people come to my program and they're like, I don't have a problem. I just don't want to be with this person. Really? You're walking in the room, you kind of saying, you have a problem.
[0:09:11] Tess: So I had kind of no idea what it was all about, but I started learning a lot, right? Because whenever you're in a treatment program or somewhere for 30 days with no outside contact, all you do is you really get to focus on yourself and your issues and kind of like, what makes you tick. So I was really grateful for the opportunity. I was actually so excited to get to treatment because I remember I was like the drug driver that picks you up from the airport to take you to the center. I was like, don't take this the wrong way, but I've never seen someone so happy come here, right? He's like, all my people are kicking and screaming or upset. He just said, you just seem so happy. And I was life. Look, I know there's no way in the hell that I'm leaving this place worse off than when I came in, which was true. I learned so much, and it was incredible.
[0:09:55] Brianne Davis: Did you think it was that pink cloud moment? Did you have that where you're like, okay, this will be the answer? This will fix me?
[0:10:03] Tess: Yes, until treatment is a very protected area. And then they're like, well, you should do sober living. You should do aisle pieceway. Did all those things. And then I returned back to La. But then life started getting hard, and shit started happening, and life got really tough really quickly.
[0:10:19] Brianne Davis: I find that to be true. I find that the people that go to treatment and then there's always slips afterwards than if you just stay in where you are and then go to meetings, is it different? Exactly, because it's like taking you out of your it's safer in the treatment center, but then you have to come out and learn how to relive again in your life with these tools while you're still trying to go through this withdrawal and stuff. Am I right?
[0:10:50] Tess: Yeah. I was in treatment for 30 days, so I didn't have any withdrawals or anything at home. But then I went to sober living and did that I think for two weeks. And then I was like, look, my apartment is so close to here, I'm just going to stay there and I'll go to Iop and I'll do all the courses and that kind of stuff. So I did that until June. So that was February till June of more intensive therapy and stuff like that. But then life started getting really tough. I had a friend who died of a Fentanyl overdose at the end of June. He was like 23 years old. And that's when you're like, oh shit, this is real. This actually happens. And so that was a really hard thing to understand because it was someone so unassuming. You're like, oh, that person has it all together. They're doing great. You know what I mean?
[0:11:41] Brianne Davis: Yeah.
[0:11:42] Tess: And then that kind of was one of the reasons. And then I had two more instances. One where a really close friend of mine was also in the ICU because of drugs. And then the last one was I came home and my roommate was having some type of overdose from Xanax. And so I was like, if every single person in my life has been closest to me over the past, you know, ten months or so, however long it was, is like dying or nearly dead. Like, I just feel like I was dancing with the devil. And so like, that night after I went home from to my roommate and she was in the hospital, I was like, never again. I can't do this. Because I felt like I was next. So that was October 12, and then my sobriety date was October 13.
[0:12:30] Brianne Davis: Wow. What? So sad. But at the same time, that's such a God shot for you to like.
[0:12:38] Tess: Touch that God shot in your face.
[0:12:40] Brianne Davis: And it's like, this is going to be you next. Look at all these people around you and you have a chance to save yourself.
[0:12:46] Tess: And the beautiful part of that story is that both of those other two people are now sober as well.
[0:12:51] Brianne Davis: That makes me so nice.
[0:12:54] Tess: I know it's very full circle and it's very interesting, right?
[0:13:00] Brianne Davis: But here's a question that just hit me, and I don't know if you even know how to answer it, but you're younger than me. And I feel like I've been sober for eleven years now and sex and love addiction, but I feel like recently younger and younger people are coming into recovery programs. Twelve step and all that, because I feel like the younger generations are even more disconnected. Are you finding that true with your generation and everything going on?
[0:13:35] Tess: I don't know what it was like previously, obviously, but for right now there's definitely I'm not the only one. Look at it that way. There's definitely a lot of young women, cool women are meetings because I definitely go to women's meetings more. They're full people of all ages, young, older, the whole nine yards.
[0:13:56] Brianne Davis: Yeah, the gamut of people.
[0:13:58] Tess: Sure, there's everyone. But for me, I know getting sober was I had that hole, right? And I kept trying to fill it and nothing was ever filling it. And then when I started getting some clarity and some momentum about what was actually happening around me, the greatest shot that I have to live a life with someone that I'm proud of and I'm proud of who I am and the life of true happiness is to do it sober. And so I was really lucky that I got that revelation at a young point in life, because some people it takes a little bit longer and everyone has their own past and that's totally incredible. But for me, I was really fortunate that I picked it up very young.
[0:14:37] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I mean, my husband, which he talks about, but he got sober at 19.
[0:14:42] Tess: That's incredible.
[0:14:44] Brianne Davis: And he got sober at 19. But what I was talking about is life with the social media, everything being out there, all your personal stuff, this filter society we live in, where you put filters and you make it look perfect, I feel. And I'm getting the gist that more and more people are disconnected from their reality and living.
[0:15:08] Tess: I would agree, for sure. Which is why I love having these types of conversations. And it's interesting, right? Because I would think, what would it be like if I didn't have an outlet life? AA. Right? That's when you hear the really raw conversations, emotion, all the ups and the downs, life, you hear all of it. But if you don't have the privilege of having a program like that, where do you find that kind of support of that type of authenticity? I don't know. I feel like it would be difficult.
[0:15:36] Brianne Davis: I don't think it exists anywhere else, honestly, unless you're at a therapist office and you're sitting with a therapist. But a community where people come in and just tell all their shit and all their dirty laundry and they just put it out there and say, I am feeling empty and alone. I mean, where does people say that right now in society?
[0:15:57] Tess: I mean, 100% agree with you. I have no idea. That's why I think it's so amazing. And also just because this whole COVID quarantine shit that's been happening, it's been so wild. I have found that the people that have coped and dealt with it the best have been addicts or alcoholics or someone in a twelve step program because they know how to deal with chaos in some type of way.
[0:16:17] Brianne Davis: Yeah, and they turn it over when things are chaotic and we have no control. I mean, this whole situation sees that we have no control over anything in the world. Right?
[0:16:29] Tess: 100%.
[0:16:30] Brianne Davis: Or I always thought life, I make my path, I have control over all that stuff. And really we have no control. So it's like turn that over to God or your higher power or whatever you want to call it ASAP, because that's the only way exactly. You find serenity in peace life.
[0:16:49] Tess: I couldn't have said about it myself. I think people also being so willing to try to figure out a new solution in this time, like, okay, we can't go to physical meetings. We'll do zoom meetings, right? And now you can be anywhere, literally in your house, and connect to however many millions of meetings there are online right now, and just pop in and share your experience, strength, or hope with someone. And we figured it out, and we move forward. And I think that type of adaptability has been huge as well. My fiance is also in a program, and so I feel like every moment with him is a meeting, because that's what they always used to say, that it's just you need two people to have a meeting. That's all it is. It's true.
[0:17:24] Brianne Davis: I mean, my husband and I, our whole conversation almost every day is about, okay, can we turn that over? How are you feeling? You triggered me when you said this life. It's this whole other form of and it's so lovely to talk to you. I didn't know your fiance or you were engaged is also in a program. How is that as a couple? Can you explain to our listeners?
[0:17:47] Tess: It's beautiful. It's definitely a blessing because I feel like we both know how to properly communicate and not just say right, that you don't have your ups and downs and your fights and things of that nature. But I think we also met in treatment, so I'll preface that. But our stories definitely coincided on day one, and so we met in treatment, and I disconnected a little bit, and then kind of came full circle, and it's been pretty crazy. I mean, we both go to meetings. We both know what we're supposed to do. We have conversations, we talk about triggered if our feelings are hurt. We use eye statements. We don't try to blame. Not to say that it doesn't get into that we don't have fights and things like that, but it's definitely much more. I feel manageable, and I feel like you feel like you're on the same team. Does that make sense?
[0:18:38] Brianne Davis: Yeah, it's like you understand, you know.
[0:18:41] Tess: A partner, you know exactly what everyone's hearing. We're hearing the same message, and we try to live our life that way, which is amazing, because I feel like wherever our home is, it's so peaceful and serene. You can get to that point because, you know, everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing. Does that make sense?
[0:18:59] Brianne Davis: Right? And I also sometimes if we're having a conversation and we can't work it out, one of us are mostly him, we'll be like, I think you should call your sponsor, which I hate hearing that. I'm like, don't tell me to call my sponsor.
[0:19:14] Tess: It's so funny, but so true, because it's a thing.
[0:19:17] Brianne Davis: It's a thing. Don't tell me who to call. Or maybe don't take my inventory.
[0:19:22] Tess: Yeah, exactly. Don't take my inventory. But that's the best.
[0:19:26] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God. I remember we had that life a month ago, and I was like, don't tell me to call my sponsor. And then I was like, Damn, I need to call my sponsor.
[0:19:36] Tess: But more than 99% of the time, essentially, they're right. You're like, yeah, I definitely need to check in. But I was at a dinner the other night, and we were with another couple, and they were talking about how kind of like your partner is almost like your guru. Right. And just bear with me. That is kind of like they teach you things that you still need to learn and understand about yourself. And it's like, okay, if I am looking at this through a way of patience, I definitely need to be more understanding or see it through a different perspective. And so they challenge, I think, the parts of you that still need to be challenged to grow. So that's been the best for me.
[0:20:09] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I definitely think you pick someone that can trigger those things that you still need to look at, and it's your choice to lean in and do the work and take risks.
[0:20:19] Tess: Exactly.
[0:20:20] Brianne Davis: Because I believe if you don't work it out with a healthy partner, that you're just going to be replaying those scenarios with the next person.
[0:20:30] Tess: Exactly. You're going to replay the same tapes until you figure out how it goes. Yeah, the ego. Ego is happening. There's so much ego and everything that we do as humans, it's like, what best serves me. It's all about me, the whole thing. And then for the first time in my life, when I went through treatment or recovery, it's not so much about me. How can I be of service to you? That's really all it's about. Right. And the whole reason the program exists is so we can pass what we know and help another alcoholic or addict in need.
[0:21:02] Brianne Davis: Well, that's why I do this podcast. Honestly, I'm only doing it to help others that don't have a voice and don't know how to get out of their ego because they're edging. The edging gods got out. Exactly. And just so you're listening, listeners, everything we're saying, if you would have said to me, like, ten years ago, I would have laughed in your face.
[0:21:24] Tess: You can tell that we both done some level of work, because it's very understanding that if you would have said this to me at 21, I've been like, what are you on?
[0:21:31] Brianne Davis: Yeah, life, get out of here. It's a cult.
[0:21:34] Tess: It's 100% I'm like, I don't relate to any of this.
[0:21:39] Brianne Davis: And my last question for you, and it's for the listeners especially a younger 23 year old. 22 year old, 21 year old is struggling with excessive alcohol in the lifestyle and all that you encountered what would be your advice for them if they are finding that whole finding that they don't really like themselves or they don't know what's wrong?
[0:22:03] Tess: Well, it's interesting, right? Because I never once thought that it could possibly be due to alcohol. I was life. I actually felt better when I was drinking, but then I'd be coming home, and I feel hungover the next day, right? And then I would feel worse. And it was just the spiral. Spiral. I kind of felt like, you know, life in Wonderland when she falls down the rabbit hole, I felt like I was always in that free fall. I remember drawing that when they say, draw a picture of Disney figure that you feel like your life relates to. And that's what I drew. I just felt like I was always falling down. And so sometimes I feel like if you've never been around a or things of that nature, you necessarily wouldn't know. Sometimes people are like, hey, I heard your story, or, you want to come to a meeting with me? I didn't have any friends that were in recovery, obviously, because your circle, you kind of are who your circle is, right? People I was hanging around weren't talking about a meetings.
[0:23:02] Tess: That wasn't my conversation. And so it wasn't until it was such a blessing for people to go to treatment, and I went for literally depression, trauma, and anxiety. And it was so funny because when you were there, you're like, hi, I'm Ted. I'm an alcoholic addict. I was literally there for everything but physical pain because I didn't have any broken bones or major surgeries. So I was in every single program, like addiction, alcoholism, trauma, depression, anxiety, all these different things. But I learned so much from learning. That is how I learned that it was really alcohol and my relationship to alcohol and my relationship to myself that drove me to drinking. That was what I needed to look at. And so I think for me, I was turning to using and drinking because I didn't do the work yet. You know what I mean? I wasn't exposed to doing the work, and I guess I wasn't ready to, otherwise it would have happened earlier, but I had no idea how much work it would take to learn how to that's the only thing that fills the hole is doing the work.
[0:24:09] Brianne Davis: Oh, yeah.
[0:24:11] Tess: It's the only thing. And when I started doing that, then I started feeling better, and I was like, okay, this is directly correlated 100%.
[0:24:22] Brianne Davis: I always say that work you do on yourself, that nobody can take it from you. Nothing on the outside can take it. If your fiance or my husband leaves me or anything. The work you do on yourself is yours and yours alone.
[0:24:37] Tess: 100%. It's yours and yours alone for forever. Yeah. And that is such a strong thing, I think, and the ability to stay sober through hard things and that just keeps adding to that, you know what I mean? Now, it's what I'm most proud of and it's what I hold probably nearest and dearest to me, in terms of someone who's young and thinking that they might be struggling with the same things, I would suggest life hopping on a meeting and seeing if that's the space where you relate the most. Because it wasn't until I started hearing other stories where I really was like, oh, that's me. I saw myself and other people, I heard similar stories and I was like, hey, it's not the same exact thing, but I can relate to you. I can relate to the same underlying feelings. And that's just why I think the program is so special and why it's so great and help so many people. Because we're all kind of the same but different.
[0:25:29] Brianne Davis: No, we're all the same. We all have fears of abandonment. We all want to be loved, we all want to feel worthy. And all those things is humans want to feel for sure. Well, thank you for coming on and sharing your story with us.
[0:25:42] Tess: It is just thank you so much. For having me and I'm so grateful. For you for doing I'm so grateful for having this and being able to share the story on your platform. So thank you so much for having me.
[0:25:53] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at SecretLifepodcast@icloud.com. Until next time!
Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe, write, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you like to check out my book, head over to secretlefenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.
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