133: Stop fixing people with Theresa

This episode is about overcoming people-pleasing patterns and getting into alignment with who you truly are. Today's caller, Theresa recognizes she has people pleasing patterns, but finds that when conflict arises-she immediately steps in to save the day. She is exhausted and disappointed by always doing what she thinks will make other people happy. If you are a people pleaser, this is an important call for you to listen to.

People-pleasing is a pattern that begins when we form a belief at a young age that we get more validation and love and avoid criticism or punishment if we are good and doing what others want us to do. It begins as a pattern at a very early age but it’s just a pattern. It is not who we are. It’s not an aspect of our personality or soul expression. People pleasing can show up many different ways-for some of us it's always wanting to be seen doing good, for others it's always wanting to be seen achieving and striving and for other's its doing whatever they can to avoid conflict. This was the case for my caller Theresa.

She wants to be in a loving two sided relationship, but she can't seem to advocate for herself and stop making it her job to manage others. Theresa did not grow up in a home that modeled conflict in a healthy manner-everything was shoved under the rug and never really 'dealt' with. Conflict does not have to equal violence. Conflict can be a beautiful way to share your feelings and your needs within relationships and work together to get those needs met. It's important to remember that just because conflict feels bad doesn't mean it is bad and it's not something we need to be afraid of or shy away from. Conflict actually helps us to pause and examine what is important to us, what are we 'fighting for?' However, when it's never been modeled for you, conflict can in fact feel terrifying. Learning how to move through conflict by speaking up for yourself is so vital for setting boundaries and breaking the people pleasing patterns.

Before listening to this episode, consider:

• What was modeled in your household growing up in terms of conflict?
• Do you spend more time fixing others than being on your own side of the street?
• Does it make you uncomfortable when other people have big emotions?
• Do you freeze or shutdown when you think someone is upset?

Links

Live Coaching | Krista Resnick