How to Love a Narcissist without Losing Yourself

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If you’re like many well-meaning Christians who choose to stay with a narcissist, you can’t quiet that nagging question—how do I love this person without letting their toxic behavior get to me?

Another common thought is, I’m barely done forgiving them for their last offense and here come three more.

The underlying question is, How do I love them without losing myself?!

To love a toxic person without losing yourself, there are three traps that you’ll need to avoid.

Trap #1: Empathy. In general, empathy is a wonderful, Christ-like quality. But when you have empathy for a narcissist, the receiver only hears another opportunity to take advantage of you. (Even if they don’t say that out loud.)

The real trap of having empathy for a narcissist is the false belief that you can heal them.

Trap #2: Codependency. Codependency is an unhealthy--almost addictive--attachment to another person. It is the devil’s counterfeit for interdependency. When codependency is thriving, you can’t be ok unless the other person is OK with you.

The underlying trap of codependency is a quiet belief that you can change them.

Trap #3: Hope. All things are possible with God. But the problem doesn’t lie with God, it lies with the narcissist’s choices. And until they stop choosing demonic behavior and repent, there isn’t much hope.

Proverbs 13:12 reminds us, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

So, if you’re hoping that today will be a good day but then getting rocked when it’s not, it’s likely that your hope doesn’t have substance.

The trap of hope is the belief that it will be worth the wait.

Now that you know where the landmines are and how to avoid them, let’s apply the three key principles to loving a narcissist without losing yourself:

1. Accept who they are, and how they are.

I can almost here you now, “Kris, how can you tell me to accept such terrible behavior? That’s like saying, ‘That’s ok, just walk all over me!’”

That’s not what I’m saying. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement. It doesn’t even mean tolerance. It simply means that you recognize who they are and how they are and give up the responsibility, or the hope, of trying to change them.

Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” It’s time to hang up the hope that today will be a ‘good day” and then getting bent out of shape when their lies, manipulation, self pity, anger, condescension, and blaming behavior ruins the day.

In other words, stop being shocked when their behavior is narcissistic.

Simply determine what your boundaries will be and stand firm to protect yourself. For example, if you usually drive to parties together but you’re constantly getting into arguments over his road rage, drive yourself, grab an Uber, or don’t go at all.

If you want to learn how to set healthy boundaries you can be proud of….check out this episode here (link)

2. Practice emotional guarding.

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else guard your heart for out of it flows the wellsprings of life.”

Unless you enjoy intense emotional rollercoasters that leave you exhilarated one minute and vomiting the next, you will have to emotionally—and maybe physically—detach from this person.

This means that you no longer own their behaviors and emotions.

I realize that this may feel cold but that’s where avoiding the trap of codependency comes in.

You’ve likely been trained to take on more than you should in a relationship, all in the name of love.

This isn’t biblical. Jesus didn’t do it, and neither should we. In fact, if you want to see a comical parody on what it would look like IF Jesus were codependent, check out this episode here