ERP 381: When Your Person Is Leaning Out & What You Can Do About It — Dr. Jessica Higgins Answers A Listener’s Questions

In this special episode, the Empowered Relationship Podcast deviates from its usual format of interviewing experts to provide dedicated attention to addressing a listener's thought-provoking questions.

The question centers around a familiar dynamic often observed in relationships, where one partner finds themselves leaning away from the relationship while the other remains invested and leaning in.

Listener’s Questions

1. “How do you come to terms in a marriage of holding true to your commitment of loyalty for life, sticking through the "for worse", and being able to trust your judgment at the time you chose your spouse? Specifically the self-blame of trusting yourself on the decision of who to marry, and/or breaking your own promise of being true to your word at the time.”

2. “Understanding wife say I just want to be roommates, we work great as a team co-parenting kids and taking care of the house, and what this means coming on the heels of an affair?”

Quick Story

“In the initial wake of the revelation, I thought wow I was an awful person as she brought up things I didn't do or when she felt hurt, but through a year of discussions with a psychologist and an independent therapist I realized a lot of these are coming from her insecurities and anxiety and attempts at justifying her affair. I'm not without fault - I was not emotionally available as much as I needed to be for her and during our marriage she felt like I did things that made her feel like she needed to change things about herself in order to be someone who she thought I wanted her to be. (If that makes sense?). I've learned a lot of tools I can use, but a lot of them seem to work within the confines of making the marriage better, but right now she's not there yet.

My wife came clean about an emotional affair she had and exhibited all the traits of limerence by blaming me for it, rewriting our history into a negative sentiment override, "I care for you but not in love with you", and now maintains the position that she felt like we were roommates before the affair,  so she wants to keep living like that now while she works on herself. She's been clear that she doesn't want any deeper emotional discussions (unless it's about the past), zero physical affection in any way, no "I love you's" or pet names, etc.

We did 5 sessions of MC and got to the point where the counselor said we have a lot of great things between us but if she's not committed to the marriage,  then it'll be hard to do the work. The most striking line he said to my wife was "The problem isn't with your husband, the problem would be with whoever happened to be sitting in this chair. " She acknowledges she's broken, gave too much of herself, and lost who she was as a person, but she's in a highly stressful job and doesn't want to seek a therapist or help on her own, she has said she just needs the space to figure out who she is and what she wants. She seems to want/expect feelings to come back naturally if it's meant to be while we remain in this "friend" state and doesn't want to force things between us.

I appreciate the work you do in helping couples and look forward to your podcasts each week.”

Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website.

In this episode

7:40 Listeners’s questions on how to come to terms with unrequited love.

13:57 Coping with the pain and uncertainty of a partner pulling away.

17:00 Identifying the relational cycle and understanding the underlying dynamics in your relationship.

22:47 Embracing ambivalence: Discovering new paths through discernment counseling.

32:34 Rediscovering commitments and finding meaning in marriage.

43:18 The importance of developing fresh approaches to relating with your partner.

Dr. Jessica Higgins's Recommendations

Disclaimer: Please note that the insights and feedback provided by Dr. Jessica Higgins are based solely on the information provided by the listener. Assumptions have been made regarding the listener's willingness to work on the relationship, the duration of their partnership, and the absence of specific clinical diagnoses. As each individual's circumstances are unique, the guidance offered should be considered general and not personalized advice. Dr. Jessica Higgins will do her best to address the listener's question given the available information.

Acknowledge the Pain

Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful and witnessing their emotional detachment from the relationship can be an incredibly painful and disorienting experience. It's natural to feel a wide range of emotions, including shock, anger, desperation, and sadness. During this time, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be immensely helpful in processing these emotions and providing stability for both you and your children.

Identify the Cycle Together 

Understanding the dynamics of your relationship is crucial to finding a way forward. In the aftermath of an affair, it's essential to recognize that there may have been underlying issues and unmet needs that contributed to the breakdown of trust. This might include the experience of limerence, a state of infatuation or fantasy that can cloud judgment and lead to emotional affairs. By exploring these dynamics together, through exercises such as those found in the book "Hold Me Tight," you can gain insight into each other's perspectives and work towards rebuilding trust.

Make Room for Ambivalence

In situations where one partner expresses a desire to be roommates and wants to focus on personal growth, it's crucial to create space for ambivalence. Discernment counseling, a specialized form of therapy, can be beneficial in helping couples gain clarity and confidence in determining the future of their relationship. This process allows both partners to explore their true desires and intentions while relieving the pressure to make immediate decisions. It also presents an opportunity for individual self-reflection and personal growth.

Do Your Work 

Throughout this journey, it is vital for both partners to engage in self-reflection and personal growth. This involves examining your own contributions to the relationship dynamics and acknowledging areas where improvement is needed. While it may be tempting to place blame solely on the partner who had the affair, it's important to take responsibility for your own emotional availability and commitment to the relationship. This introspective work can pave the way for creating a healthier and more fulfilling partnership moving forward.

Mentioned

Hold Me Tight by Dr. Susan Johnson (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book)

*EFT Therapist Finder

Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love

ERP 015: Do You Have a “Unity” or “Journey” Mindset in Relationship?

ERP 058: Beyond the Wedding. What Is Marriage Really Like?

ERP 372: How to Work Together in Relationship for a Strong, Secure Connection — An Interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin

ERP 373: How to Embrace Ambivalence When Making Big Relationship Decisions — An Interview with Rachel Zamore

Discernment Counseling

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