#241 - Siri Broke My Heart (Rewrite of Episode #103)

She used to be more fun. You could ask her where to bury a dead body, and her reply was playfully non-resistant, on board for a senseless jab. But something happened because she appears to have lost her sense of humor. What, did she get indicted for a murder charge?

Did we get married?

We had such a fresh love affair in the beginning, but it’s gotten predictable where the spark of excitement has fizzled into standard maintenance. There’s an odd, suspicious element now--like she’s perpetually eavesdropping--as if the CIA has got her by the microchips.

Let’s communicate and speak openly about our feelings. “Siri, I’m not sure if I trust you anymore. For fun, I ask if you smoke dank-ass weed and your response is one of utter indifference, borderline annoyed, as evidenced by your obvious deflection. I fondly ponder the times we shared in lighthearted banter, and I could exhale into your microphone, but lately, you’ve gone all Hillary on me.”

Let’s face it, people, we all have a relationship with Siri, whether or not we’d like to admit it. And when you’re in a relationship, connection is essential. This means open acceptance of your partner’s perspective--understanding that mutual respect and reciprocation is vital. And I don’t pretend to know what happened, but she’s lost her algo-rhythm. And the personality has been strip-mined right out with a digibotomy to where I now find myself futilely attempting to recreate a memory of happier times when we were in love.

I know things change.

The honeymoon is over.

But I will say this--at least she didn’t ruin it for women named Alexa because no one will ever name their kid Siri.

Except Elon Musk, maybe.