My husband watches violent movies when the kids are around. (Episode 296)

From kid cartoons to everyone’s favorite movie trilogy, violence is abundant in today’s entertainment. How do you navigate that as a parent in today’s society? Listen in to hear Dr. Leman’s insight on today’s episode.

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Transcript

Doug: So you’re worried about your kids because your husband keeps playing really violent video games and he loves to watch those really violent movies and you’ve begged him to stop and you don’t like it. Well, is it a big deal? Is it not a big deal? Are you overreacting? Are you under-reacting? That’s the question we get to ask Dr. Leman.

Doug: Hi, I’m Doug Turpenine.

Andrea: And I’m Andrea.

Doug: And we are very thankful that we are here today with you for your sake. So that you can just man, get that parenting and love them kiddos. But if it’s your first time, I want to let you know that this is for your education and entertainment purposes only. If the subject matter raises any concerns for you or your child, please go seek a local professional for help.

Doug: Well, Dr. Leman, I have a confession to start off this podcast with. I grew up playing video games all my life. Like I love the video games. When I got married, Mrs. Turpenine picked them up, went outside with a flame thrower, and melted them all.

Andrea: I think the only video game we ever had in our house was the ping pong, you know? Boing, boing. Yeah.

Doug: You growing up?

Andrea: Yeah.

Doug: You growing up? In your home. Yeah.

Andrea: Right.

Doug: So now, later with kids, I didn’t get to play video games with my kids. And now I think I’m thankful for it, but I’m like this husband. Like I want to play video games a bunch, but I can’t anymore. But now we’ve got wives that are like, my husband does all these things. Is it a good thing, bad thing, overreacting, underreacting? Help us out.

Dr. Leman: Here’s the thing. Now I don’t want to come across like a prudish ogre, but we live in a very violent society. There was a study, it’s an older study, but I remember even in a cartoon, a kid’s cartoon, there was over a hundred acts of violence in a cartoon. It’s so pervasive. We don’t even notice it in our society, but a lot of things have gone way over the top in the video arena of life. I mean, everything from shoot the cop or whatever it’s called, you name it. I mean, there’s all kinds of things that, quite frankly just aren’t good for the young minds of kids.

Dr. Leman: The other thing is that violent movies, I mean a parent who watches violent movies in the presence of younger children, I have no appreciation for whatsoever. That is destructive with children. The brain that God gave us is really interesting because it can retain images for a lifetime. Violent images or how about sexual images? One of the reasons why pornography is so rampant and so destructive in our society is that what you see in that pornographic movie, whatever it is, it stays with you. It’s not like you can go wipe it out of your brain. It’s there. And so these receptors in our brains, they’re magnificent, but you have to use a mature attitude towards these things.

Dr. Leman: Now I know there’s people who love action movies and I think in general, men probably enjoy those more than women. And I have to do a disclaimer here. I’m a chick flick movie guy. I don’t like any form of violence. Now my wife is like Andrea Turpenine. She wouldn’t hurt a fly. Okay. She’s as sweet as they come. You should see the movies she likes to watch. I’m telling you, they’re terrible.

Dr. Leman: But I mean she loves shoot them up this and that, and her TV programs are always bumping off somebody. And she goes back to the back bedroom and props up the pillows and watches them. She knows I’m not going to watch. Okay. So I give you that certain people love things that have some violence in them. Okay. I’m not taking that right away from you. I’m saying if you’re going to do that, do it outside of the view of your children. Okay? It’s as simple as that. If a man watches these things and just like this person that asked the question, a wife’s concerned about it. Hey gentlemen, if your wife’s concerned about it, that ought to be reason for you to do a double take on what you’re doing. Okay. Because where I come from, you ought to to put your wife’s feelings first. That’s what makes a marriage a marriage.

Dr. Leman: And yes, ladies, some are thinking, “Well, should that lady put her husband?” Yes, they should. That’s the catchall. The catch 22. You have to service each other, but you have to come to an agreement that some things you do as a couple or individually are not inherently good for the family or for your children. So you have to safeguard. I always love to remind people the word ‘parent’ comes from the word, Latin word ‘parentis’ which means protector.

Dr. Leman: And you have to shield your kids from some things in life. There’s far too many things on TV that shouldn’t be on TV, and movies have gone way, way, way beyond. And kids are scared, they’re frightened. So use common sense here. So again, Doug, I told you this doesn’t have to be a long one in terms of a podcast. I think the message is clear. The kids should not see violent movies, cartoons, certainly acts from their parents. We see this all the time where parents get into physical hitting each other in the eyes of children and totally destructive for children. So I don’t give much room for doubt on this one. This is something. This is on you, parent. You’re the captain or co-captain of the good ship family. And that’s a call that you’re going to be held accountable for.

Doug: So one of the things you said that you just dropped in there is that husbands, if your wife has got a double-take, that should be a red flag. That you’re going to think about it and deal with it. But the reality is like, let’s be honest, not a whole lot of, maybe there’s more marriages than I think that we actually think that way. So what could a wife, in other words, I don’t think many men are stopping to say, “Oh, my wife is concerned about my video games and my movies. I should do something about that.” Right? How could a wife approach her husband in a way that he might be more receptive to be able to hear that concern from her?

Dr. Leman: I would tell a husband that when I see you going down this path it really turns me off. I’d use the term turns me off. And I would say not only emotionally, but spiritually, and certainly sexually. It doesn’t make me want to even be near you. It’s a real turnoff for me. Now again, you talk about, well most couples don’t do this or don’t do that. Well, most couples who get married today will be divorced in seven years too. So the paradigm of servant leadership in marriage went out the window years ago. And there are still people who do engage in servant leadership in marriage and the great majority of them are people of faith because I think they believe that that’s what God would have them do in marriage. So I don’t know.

Dr. Leman: I think violence is a huge issue. You know, you see all the ‘Be kind’ stickers on cars and on schools. You know, be kind, be kind. But the nature of people is not to be kind. The nature of a middle schooler is not to be kind and thoughtful of other people. I would ask everybody to just think about this. You’re driving today and you come to a red light or a stop sign. Why do you stop? Well it’s the law. I don’t want to get a ticket. I don’t want to get an accident. I get all those things. But how many people thought of, I stopped because I don’t want to hurt someone else? It’s our human nature just to think about ourselves, and I just think this whole area of violence is one that’s a worthy taking a stand for.

Dr. Leman: I wrote a book called Smart Women Know When to Say No. And one of the things I’m real clear on is, hey, if your husband lays a hand on you and he’s physically abusive, you get out of there. And that’s not an if or maybe or I’ll think about it. That’s a get out of there. And is it hard for women to get out of there? Yes it is, for a lot of different reasons., But I think this is one of those areas where there’s some hard lines for families and violence is to be avoided.

Doug: I want to pick up on what you encourage the wife to say to her husband, but before we do that, I want to make sure I get the ebook promotion in. And between now and January 31st of 2020, you can get the book When Your Best Isn’t Good Enough for $1.99. Dr. Leman, what is the book about and why would I get this one?

Dr. Leman: This book is for people who don’t measure up, who have that internal voice that says you could have done better. They struggle with perfectionism. They are great starters and not good finishers.

Dr. Leman: It’s a unique way of looking at the fact that you don’t need any enemies. The enemy is clearly within yourself. So again, an easy read, a profound read. It has its roots in the book, The Birth Order Book. It was a book that was something that was developed after that book became a mega hit because of the response I got from so many people. When I talk briefly about this phenomenon in The Birth Order Book. And by the way, if you’ve never read The Birth Order Book, my goodness, what are you waiting for? It’s a life changer for a lot of people.

Doug: Great. So you get When Your Best Isn’t Good Enough between now and January 31st of 2020 for $1.99. So Dr. Leman, Andrea, I shouldn’t ask it. Dr. Lehman’s not a wife. Of all the people here, I think she qualifies the most. Would you agree?

Dr. Leman: Yes.

Andrea: Yes.

Doug: Okay, Andrea. So your husband is watching violent movies and playing violent games and you can’t get him to listen to you. Would you, could you walk up to him and say, I’d like you to know that that behavior turns me off mentally, spiritually and definitely sexually?

Andrea: I think I would probably not be able to do it at the moment, but it would probably be something that I would have to say like the next day.

Doug: Could you say the next day though?

Andrea: Well, I think it makes a difference that if you’re receptive or not. So, yeah, I think I could say it in the right moment.

Doug: What stops most women from saying it, Dr. Leman?

Dr. Leman: Basic fear. You know, most women now, there are women who are tigers by the tail, but most women have a spirit about them can’t we all get along? They want the oceans of life rather smooth. They acquiesce to too many things. They tend to be the pleaser variety. And that in and of itself keeps them from speaking just the basic truth about life to their husband. They say yes when they mean no. They say yes when they really mean I don’t think so. They’re great team players. They don’t want to rock the relationship. But as we’ve talked about, there’s times you have to rock the relationship.

Andrea: I think it would take a precedence of being able to have these conversations, otherwise it could become volatile. Right. That’s what I imagine.

Doug: So Dr. Leman, would you say the book Smart Women Know When to Say No would help women like Andrea who are peacemakers by and large?

Dr. Leman: Oh yeah. And the nice thing is it’s just a little pocket size book. I think it costs like $6.99 for the book in hand. But it’s a wonderful, encouraging book for women that says you’re worth it. You’re worth sharing how you really feel here. So it’s a positive look at changing situations that women find themselves in, and quite frankly, they don’t know what to do.

Doug: Well, and we don’t mean to belabor the point, but you have said more than once that if there’s a king in the house who is not caring about anybody else’s feelings, when wives stand up to them, either they’ll listen because now finally someone’s standing up or they’ll go crazy. And that’ll tell you this is just a bad guy. You know? And but either way, speaking the truth in love helps everybody get clarity around them really quick. So yeah, for the spouse who is worried about her husband and too much violence in the home Dr. Lehman’s encouragement to you is speak up clearly in truth, in love, and let them know that this turns you off mentally, spiritually, and physically. But don’t keep swallowing your tongue. You’re not going to help you or your kids or them. And my encouragement to you is go buy the book, Smart Women Know When to Say No for your sake if you need that encouragement to know that you’re doing the right thing.

Doug: So well, it was great to be with you and we love editing to your parenting toolbox and we’d love seeing you being able to love those kids more and more. We look forward to the next time we’re with you.

Andrea: Thank you Dr. Leman and have a great week everyone.

Doug: Take care. Bye bye