129. Connect Deeply: How to Communicate So People Feel Seen and Heard

New York Times Opinion columnist David Brooks shares how to communicate so that others feel seen, heard, and understood.

All too often, we communicate without really connecting. The key to building deep connections with others, says David Brooks, is to make them feel seen and heard.

Brooks is a writer for the New York Times, the Atlantic, and the best-selling author of several books. In his latest, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, he explores how vulnerability — both being vulnerable ourselves and creating space for others to be as well — is the key to fostering deeper connections at home, at work, and throughout our lives. “[People] need to be seen, heard, and understood,” he says. “If you hide yourself from the emotional intimacies of life, you're hiding yourself from life itself.”

In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, Brooks and host Matt Abrahams discuss the fundamentals of communicating with vulnerability and empathy, outlining the skills that anyone can learn and use to connect more deeply in their relationships.

Episode Reference Links:

• Full list of David Brooks books
• Bryan Stevenson
• George Orwell
• C.S. Lewis 
• Oprah Winfrey Video
• Ep.64 Carissa Carter
• Ep.101 Geoffrey Cohen

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• Matt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn

Chapters:

(00:00:00) Introduction

(00:01:26) Personal Motivation

David Brooks shares insights into his journey and the motivation behind his latest book.

(00:04:01) Barriers to Connection

Common barriers to connection including egotism, anxiety, worldview, and lack of questioning.

(00:04:43) The Stages of Empathy

David Brooks breaks down empathy into components such as mirroring, mentalizing, and caring, and recognizing your own emotion

(00:07:40) Keys to Meaningful Conversation

Attention as an on-off switch, loud listening, avoiding topping responses, embracing pauses, and making people authors

(00:11:22) Understanding Illuminators and Diminishers

Illuminators are those who make you feel seen and valued through curiosity and active listening and suggestions and suggestions on how to be a better illuminator and conversationalist.

(00:14:01) How to Be a Better Public Speaker

The importance of vulnerability, humor, and storytelling. 

(00:16:25) Paradigmatic vs. Narrative Modes of Thinking

Jerome Bruner's concept of paradigmatic for writing and convincing, Narrative mode for understanding a fellow human being. 

(00:18:02) David Brooks' Journey

Becoming a journalist, inspired by childhood reading and early experiences as a police reporter & admiration for Oprah Winfrey as an admirable listener.

(00:19:52) Ingredients for Successful Communication

David Brooks outlines his three essential ingredients for effective communication: depth of passion, vulnerability, and clarity. 

(00:22:27) Conclusion