"i don't know . . ."

Them: "How can we help?"

Me: "I don't know . . ."

This is a conversation I've had countless times over the last year.  If only I had some sort of ailment that could be SEEN and FIXED . . . why can't it be a broken arm?  A simple cast would "fix" the problem in just a matter of weeks. 

With mental health, you read the books, you do the checklists, you take the meds, you attend counseling . . . but at any moment . . . around any corner . . . there it is - ready to crush your hope and happiness. 

Each time you start a new medication you feel hopeful . . . "this time it will work"

And each time a new medication doesn't help, you feel a bit more hopeless . . . "maybe I am beyond repair"

They say mental health is a battle.  It is. 

And for many of us it is a lifelong battle.  

And worse still, it is a silent battle - no one can SEE what you are going through. 

And the worst part is that you begin to convince yourself that it has to be silent - that you shouldn't share your struggle - that perhaps you are "beyond repair" - that others will judge.