Ep 46: Handling Problem Teenagers

David Sortino, author and psychologist, talks about the lessons he learned working at a school for problem teenagers during his twenties. He developed a unique approach, using kinesthetic activities to engage the students. This episode also covers his book on the neuroscience of learning.

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Full show notes

It’s no secret that teens can be moody and irritable from time to time, but it can become a larger problem when teens start deliberately acting out. Teens can act out in ways that endanger themselves and others. They can end up really causing harm to their health or safety, such as losing sleep, trying illicit drugs, not taking school seriously or even drinking and driving. If their behavior is bad enough, they can end up in serious trouble with their school or even the law. Their consequences could be a serious or even permanent mark on their young lives.

Of course, there are perfectly healthy ways to take risks and explore the world that is outside of one’s comfort zone. But it is always important to be mindful of the fact that when your teen is still young, they should be exploring the world in a way that doesn’t cause harm at the expense of anyone else’s wellbeing. When parenting out of control teens, the situation should be approached gracefully yet firmly. If not, they can act out even further out of spite or frustration.

Parenting out of control teens is no easy feat. It can be tiresome physically and emotionally when going through already taxing endeavors such as college applications, learning how to drive, or moving out. You probably have enough on your plate as is! You’re not alone though. I spoke to one of the most knowledgeable and generous experts on troubled teens. This episode will help you communicate with and help seemingly out of control teens flourish.

David Sortino, author and psychologist, uses the lessons he learned working at a school for troubled students to discuss parenting out of control teens. He developed a unique approach, using kinesthetic activities to engage students who didn’t want to be lectured to. Dr. Sortino was able to connect with teens who would’ve otherwise not been taken seriously. You could even try them for yourself at home!

In addition to his PhD in developmental psychology and his doctoral work at Harvard, Dr. Sortino has a lot of real-world experience working with troubled teenagers. He's worked with juvenile offenders in prison, gangsters seeking rehabilitation, and kids who have been expelled from school. His book, The Promised Cookie, is the true story of a school for troubled teenagers where Dr. Sortino worked during his twenties. Readers will find that many of the lessons in this book can be applied to parenting out of control teens.

David Sortino's passion for working with troubled teenagers started during his own childhood when his school administered an achievement test to determine which level of classes each student would be placed in. David threw the test in revolt and was placed in a special education class referred to by everyone else at the school as the "Zoo-Zoo Class".

During that year, he noticed how poorly everyone treated the "Zoo-Zoo" students and it inspired his interest in troubled teenagers. He noticed that although they were being treated poorly, his peers were nothing short of intelligent and hard working students. Just because they didn’t fit into the mold of a supposedly “good” student, they were treated as if something were wrong with them. From there, David made it his life’s work to be able to not only understand teens that are labeled as “difficult” or “troubled”, but also help them thrive and reach their potential in life. David strives to make parenting out of control teens easier by sharing tips he’s learned from working with troubled kids.

If you’re parenting out of control teens and wondering why they’re acting out, look into how they’re being treated at school. How well (or not) is your teen interacting with their peers and their teachers? Are they being given the right opportunities to be challenged? Are their needs being taken seriously?

How do I interact with difficult-to-reach teens?

In this week’s episode about parenting out of control teens, David explains how to use what he calls a “behavior contract” with a teenager. A behavior contract is simply a document that you write out that states clearly your behavioral expectations for them. The key, David says, is to appeal to their current stage of moral reasoning. Most teens are in the “Reciprocity” stage, says Sortino. However, as no two teenagers are alike, your teen may very well be in a different stage. David gives an extended explanation about the various stages later in this episode.

Additionally, writing out a contract will also challenge your teen to think about right and wrong, which leads them to a higher level of moral reasoning. By granting your teen respect and higher levels of responsibilities, you are actively empowering them. Furthermore, having a physical piece of paper with expectations written out will make the situation all the more real and tactile. Having a physical sheet of paper with an agreement and their signature will keep them from trying to bend or change the rules set for them.

Another tip for parenting out of control teens that David told me is to focus on your expectations for your teenager. Sure you’d love it for them to attend an Ivy League institution or to start a multi-million dollar company, but is it what your teen wants? It's hard not to project ourselves onto our children! We all have hopes and dreams for our kids. But those expectations can actually cause teens to rebel and push against our influence.

How do I manage my own expectations for my teen?

Dr. Sortino also taught me a great strategy for parenting out of control teens and empathizing with your teenager. He says the key is to think back to the most vulnerable moments of your own childhood and imagine how you felt during those moments. Spend a few moments meditating and reliving some of the most vulnerable moments from your own teenage years. Really try to experience the moments in full detail, using all five senses. To start, write down three memories that make you feel especially vulnerable.

And now think about your own teen and moments that they’ve been scared, worried or embarrassed. When parenting out of control teens, approaching conversations after doing this kind of visualization will make you feel much more connected to them. When you see yourself in your teen’s environment, you can come to a place of better understanding. Maybe then you’ll see why your teen is acting out. Or maybe your teen will feel more comfortable opening up after seeing their parents' vulnerability and empathy.

During our interview, David told me about the experience of being put in remedial classes for a year and witnessing how the kids were expected to perform poorly and behave problematically. Studies show that people have a strange way of living up to the expectations that are placed upon them. When parenting out of control teens, set an expectation for your teen to behave in an upstanding manner and don’t automatically assume the worst from them.

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