Ep 38: Giving Advice to Teenagers

Annie Fox, an online adviser to thousands of teens and the author of 12 books including "Teaching Kids to be Good People", reveals the best ways to give teens advice when they need some guidance. Learn how to give teens advice they will actually listen to with these great tips from a true master.

Bonfire Digital Wellness has a diverse team of seasoned, compassionate school counselors, ready to coach your teen. Check it out today and take advantage of a 1-month FREE trial: BonfireDW.org/talkingtoteens

Full show notes

Why Your Teen Doesn’t Talk to You

Watching your kid become a teenager can be a very awkward and strange experience––their hormones have kicked in, they’ve grown a foot out of nowhere, they’re suddenly so moody. Their social groups are shifting and they’re spending less time with the family. And whether they want to talk to you about it or not, you probably notice their increased interest in boys, girls, or both. What would make this experience slightly less awkward is if they’d just talk to you about all the changes they are going through. But getting them to actually do this can be like pulling teeth.

Regardless of whether your kid is going through good or bad times, as a parent you always want your advice for youngsters to be helpful and effective. But how will you get the chance to do this? For starters, teenagers don't ask for advice all that often. On one hand because it’s natural for teens to want to forge their own path and find solutions of their own. But on the other hand, you might just be driving them away. Though this is hard to admit, it’s extremely common with parents of teenagers. Maybe they don’t want advice from you because when they ask, you talk way too much. Or your advice isn’t age appropriate. Or because of the time when they asked “Should I break up with my girlfriend?” and you said “No” because of the amazing Christmas gift their girlfriend gave you last year.

Parents need to make the most of these rare occurrences to offer advice for youngsters. If you’re wondering what to say when they finally ask for help, and how to get them to ask more often, you’re listening to the right podcast. On this week’s episode, I got some advice for youngsters from Annie Fox. She's the author of 12 books including Teaching Kids to Be Good People, The Girl's Q&A Book on Friendship, and the Middle School Confidential series. Annie has maintained an anonymous advice column for teenagers since the late 90’s where she’s answered thousands and thousands of online questions from teens all over the world. Needless to say, Annie’s a pro on giving advice for youngsters and has uncovered some amazing tactics that we discuss in this interview.

Being the Cool Mom

We start the podcast by talking about how Annie first began sharing advice for youngsters online. She tells the amazing story of how a dream she had brought her the idea to create one of the first online forums for teens. Annie was always the cool mom that her kid’s friends would go to with their problems. They felt comfortable around her––and from this interview you can see why. Annie is gifted at actively listening to people and making them feel understood. So when an opportunity presented itself to create a website where teens could anonymously ask questions and she could provide advice for youngsters, Annie had the foresight to see that this could turn into something big.

The initial website that Annie developed, which was originally called The Insite, was a series of chat rooms where teens could talk to counselors who specialized in teen issues. Annie also served as an advice columnist of sorts; she had an alter ego named Terra that teens could send anonymous questions to. Though there was no marketing for the website prior to it’s launch, Annie was getting numerous questions sent to her everyday from the start. The website, now called Hey Terra!, still offers advice for youngsters today with the same mission as it had in the beginning: to help youth effectively manage their relationships and emotions so they can feel confident in who they are.

Listen More, Talk Less

Possibly the most shocking thing about Annie and her approach to advice for youngsters is this: she doesn't tell the teens what to do in her responses. This might be confusing to you as a parent because isn’t telling your teen what to do the whole point of giving advice? Not exactly. Most of the time, teens already know what the right thing to do deep down. They aren't looking for a lecture, just someone to listen to them and help them work out the best way to do what their heart is telling them.

When providing advice for youngsters, your ultimate goal should be to teach your teens how to manage their own emotions. To do this, Annie encourages parents to put themselves into the mindstate of their teen. Really focus on empathizing with them in the specific situation that’s causing them pain. As an adult, it’s easy to dismiss teen drama and think that whatever they’re going through this week will be forgotten the next. While this may be true, the overflow of emotions that make up a teenagers brain chemistry is what’s actually causing them to react so dramatically. For as long as you’ll have teenage kids, teen brains will always work like this. So if you really want to know the right advice for youngsters, you first need to acknowledge that what’s important is not the problem your teen is having but the way the problem makes them feel.

After listening to how your teen expresses a problem to you, Annie suggests saying things like “sounds like you’re really upset” or “that must be very frustrating for you.” This is an effective first step to providing advice for youngsters because you are acknowledging their feelings off the bat. Often when you give your opinion on a teen’s situation right away, you neglect to see that what your teen actually wants is validation. In more cases that not, Annie finds that teens looking for advice already have a solution, they just want someone to confirm that it’s the right one.

Throughout the interview, Annie always comes back to the idea that parents should listen more and talk less. As a parent, you should be guiding your teen towards making the right choice, not choosing for them. Annie elaborates on how your role in offering advice for youngsters is to provide reinforcement for what they already know. To hear more about how you can offer suggestions to your teen without overstepping, tune into the episode.

Pay Attention!

Annie reminds parents that though you may struggle to get your teen’s attention, teens might feel the same way about you sometimes. Your teen can tell when you’re distracted and aren’t fully listening to them. Maybe there’s a hectic situation going on at the office and you’re still in work mode. Maybe you’re really mad at your spouse but don’t want your kid to know about it. Annie reminds you to try your hardest to not let these distractions prevent you from opportunities to connect with your teens. Focus...