DEEP DIVE: Getting Kids to Cooperate

We're doing a "Deep Dive" into our past episodes about "getting our kids to...," from listening to what we say the first time, to talking to us about what matters most to them. Find the rest of the episodes in this deep dive series in this Spotify playlist.

How do we get our kids to listen to us and do as we ask, without too many tears on either side? Here are some parenting tips for encouraging cooperation in kids (and modeling it ourselves.)

Our listener Alison asked:

I would love some insight into engaging the cooperation of my two boys, 5 and almost 3 years old. At what age is it reasonable to expect them to put away their toys, stay seated for meals, get in the bath without mind games, and get ready for bed in less than 60 minutes? They are capable, but rarely willing, and 8 out of 10 times it's an ordeal. We have routines, we announce transitions in advance, we give them choices and even try to make it fun, but I feel like I am either haranguing them constantly or seething with resentment or both. Do I just accept this is the season of my life? Is cooperation 2 out of 10 times a victory? 

Getting kids who are younger than three to "do their share" without a lot of coaxing and singing and clapping is pretty tough. Then when they're about six, kids' "fairness radar" kicks in, and they're much less focused on loading the dishwasher than on complaining about who is not currently helping. 

So there are roadblocks to kids' cooperation, to be sure, and in this episode we discuss:

• whether "whistling while they work" might be too much to ask
• how "connecting before directing" works for older kids
• how we can model cooperation and hope our kids get the hint. (It's worth a shot.)

Here are links to some other writing and books that we discuss in this episode:

• Our Fresh Take with Michaeleen Doucleff
• Cameron Kleimo for Motherly: How to get your kids to listen—without yelling
• Shelley Phillips for Lifehack: 6 Secrets to Getting Kids to Cooperate
• Terry Orlick: Cooperative Games and Sports 
• Frank McCourt: Angela's Ashes
• Lemony Snicket: A Series of Unfortunate Events

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