256: Change the Way you Communicate - with Cynthia Kane

Meet Cynthia Kane

Cynthia Kane helps people enhance their lives and relationships by teaching them how to speak to themselves, others and their environment in a kind, honest and helpful way. She has taught over 50,000 people how to change the way they communicate through her best selling books, How to Communicate Like a Buddhist, Talk to Yourself Like a Buddhist, How to Meditate Like a Buddhist, her daily home courses and the intentional communication training program.

How can you begin to change the way you communicate? 

You can begin to change the way that you communicate by starting to listen to yourself. So starting to pay attention to the way that you're communicating with yourself and others in ways that are making you feel more fearful or anxious, and starting to pay attention to that. Then really, the practice begins from there to pay attention to the language that you're using, and then seeing in that moment, if you can shift to start speaking in a more kind, honest and helpful way. So looking at it through a lens of suffering. I know that sounds kind of like an intense word, but really suffering in this instance means any discomfort or, lack, fear, anxiety, embarrassment, anything of those sorts. So the idea is really to help yourself and others suffer less with your communication. So if you can start to see through that lens, then most of your interactions will change.

So is it really possible to change an interaction if it's just one person talking differently?

It is, it really is because the phenomenal thing that you begin to see is that when you start interacting differently, others have no option, but to interact differently with you because you're no longer connecting in the same way. So they no longer know how to engage. You end up changing the conversation simply by coming to the interaction through a different lens or coming to it with this one to be kind, honest and helpful.

Is this kind of that communication of what you're pushing out they're reflecting back?

In the sense that when I talk about mirroring, it's more like acknowledging where the person is emotionally. It's not so much repeating what has been heard, but more acknowledging where the person is. So if somebody is sharing that they're really frustrated because they've turned in a project, and it didn't go well at work. Instead of trying to fix the situation or trying to push the person to feel differently, the mirroring aspect here is more just saying, "gosh, I can completely see how frustrating that is, I know that you've, you've been working really hard on that."

What's what's the best way to get started with intentional communication?

So it really is about understanding and knowing that it's possible to change your interactions and really start having types of conversations that you want to be having, and understanding that your words are powerful. So paying attention to the words that you're choosing will really change how everything unfolds for you because the way that we talk with ourselves really dictates how we communicate with others, and how we see the world. If you just imagine beginning there and starting to think of connecting with yourself in a way that's more intentional with your language, moving yourself more in the direction of what feels better for you as opposed to language that can have you feeling less than, or down. You really begin to create more intention throughout your day with your language, because then you have more of an anchor.

Can you share one of your most successful or favorite networking experiences that you've had?

I have to say that I used to fear networking, I would raise my hand at that. What I have found is that this one experience that I had really changed that for me. I went to an event here when I first moved to Washington DC, and I decided on a whim to go to this event that was happening at a gallery down the street. I didn't know anyone there, I just showed up with this feeling. I had this intuition that this was where I needed to be. It was an all female event, and it was about crave like this idea of what you crave and what you desire. I showed up not knowing anyone, was seated at a table with these phenomenal women, and I heard this woman begin to speak and her name was Angela Lauria. She gave this incredible story about a foreign exchange experience that she had and it turned out that she ran a publishing company here in DC. At that time, I was doing a lot of freelance editing for different publishing houses. It was then that I, after hearing her really, I went over, and I just started talking to her and striking up a conversation. It turns out that she was looking for editors to come on to her team and so that meeting, just that one meeting led to lots of freelance projects with her which was incredible.

How do you stand in front of and best nurture your network or your community?

For me, it's really around connection. I mean, within the work that I do now, I really consider those who are on my email list, or students of mine to be my community that is really a network for me. So being in touch with them a few times a week through my newsletter and sharing with them, I feel is really important. Sharing what's happening in my life in regard to communication, what's coming up for me and how the practice that I use is really helping me in certain moments, or it's reminding me to be more patient in my communication and things of that sort. So connecting with my network in that way is really big for me. Being able to share and also to create spaces to have open dialogue so that others are able to share as well. Whether that's through workshops, or forums or discussions, that's really important to open that space too.

Do you have any final word or advice to offer listeners with regards to growing and supporting your network?

Just being authentic and really being yourself and also being able to find what that looks like for you. I think it's really easy to try other people's way of connecting and I think that so much of this is really knowing that the person that you are is the person that your network is looking for.

How to connect with Cynthia:

Website: https://cynthiakane.com/

Email: cynthia@intentionalcommunicationinstitute.com