EP 445: Should You Argue When You’re Angry? With Megan

This coaching call is about how to have a conscious conversation when anger is present. Today’s caller, Megan, values growth and communication, yet she gets triggered when her husband needs space during tense conversations. She asks Christine for guidance on how to process her anger and have conscious conversations in her relationship.

 

[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode445].

 

No one communicates well when anger is present because we are in a completely different part of our brains. The part of the brain that anger resides in is ready to fight and do damage. When we are in that part of our brain we don’t make the best choices. We are not in the part of our brain that accesses empathy, being resourced, cognitive functioning, and rationality. None of those skills are accessible when we are in anger.

 

Those of us who have done a lot of personal development work can sometimes have high expectations and high standards of how we should communicate and how other people should communicate with us. We need to remember that we are human. When we are in an argument, or we are not in a regulated state, it is difficult to consciously remind ourselves to use non-violent communication or to take a breath and release the anger in a healthy way or take some space.

 

Expecting ourselves to have amazing, empowered conversations when we are triggered is not an easy task. Because anger is a fiery, active energy that needs an outlet. If it isn’t given a safe outlet or isn’t expressed it will do other things.

 

Christine and Stefanos will be in Vancouver Canada during July and August 2024. If you would like to attend a reset workshop, or guided event contact Christine on Instagram @ChristineHassler.

 

Consider/Ask Yourself:

• Do you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be conscious when you are in an argument?

• Is anger a trigger for you? When someone gets angry, do you go into a trauma response, or do you fight, flight, or freeze?

• What is your attachment style?

• Growing up, were you shown how to deal with big feelings in a healthy way?

 

Megan’s Question:

Megan would like guidance about communication when anger is present and her husband needs space.

 

Megan’s Key Insights and Ahas:

• She and her husband value growth and communication.

• When anger is present she forgets her healthy communication skills.

• She beats herself up for letting anger take over.

• She goes into an anxious attachment style when she gets angry.

• Her husband needs space to regulate when anger comes up.

• She didn’t see much anger in her childhood.

• Her grandfather had anger issues.

• Her parents didn’t express their emotions.

• She fears losing connection and love.

• A past boyfriend had a pattern of love-bombing her and then pulling away.

• She is not comfortable with big feelings.

• She uses sarcasm to express anger.

• She is ready to practice Christine’s guidance.

 

How to Get Over It and On With It:

• Forgive herself for dropping into judgment.

• Take a deep breath and have a temper tantrum when she feels triggered to regulate her nervous system.

• When her husband needs space, actively release her anger.

• Remind herself that her husband taking space is not him leaving the relationship.

 

Resources:

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Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler

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