Let's All Go to the Dark Web - ATS - 5.8.28

Well we've reached hump day once more and Angi has yet to complain about something going wrong with her body which I think is bordering on a world record and I for one am sho... (reads rest of note...oh godd....) Right, you know the drill by now, crank up the Sarah McLachlan, light one of those prayer candles and strap in because this one is an absolute doozy. So Angi started this dip into the calm cooling waters of insanity by asking if anyone knows how to get on the dark web. Obviously, we all pretty much expected to hear that she was finally looking for a hitman to get rid of Jay the Straight for (insert her reason for being mad/crazy) but no, her needs were even great. Normally, I save my sigh/dramatic pause/disgust for my call but it should be noted I'm doing it as I type these notes. Angi wants to go on the dark web so she can buy body parts. Well actually, stuff found in body parts or for the sake of not dragging out a tease, the woman is desperately seeking cartilage. Apparently, her joints are cracking so much, you would think there is a karate class occurring any time she enters the room. She needs someone to grease the 5th wheel as she is now a combination of Iron Man, the Iron Curtain and the Iron Lady. This Miami Sound Machine meets Nine Inch Nails on a broken keyboard sound invasion began occurring when Angi started doing daily yoga. Though she doesn't want to stop because her body is old and needs to move, everything is rubbing harder and it's essentially bone on bone. While pondering if they sold cartilage like they do box wine at Liquor Barn, Marris mentioned that it can be regrown using cells. Angi just assumed it was regrown on a farm (and I assumed maybe iHeart won't let her come back from her London trip.) After that, the most educated (see: stupid) show in the morning did a Google search to figure out how many joints our bodies have so Angi could complain with a specific number. Angi is most upset about the fact that she used to be nimble and bendy (in 1938) and now every time she bends over, it sounds like the 4th of July. Apparently these joints all go at once (what a waste of a show) from her neck to her pinky toe. So not only is her brain broken but now the rest of her is as well (big sad.) Also in her dark web shopping cart is a new liver and since she was feeling generous, she offered to buy Marris some new kneecaps. I think this is where we should add that Angi and Marris took a trip to QC Kinetix this week and while there, she didn't even bother to ask why her body sounds like someone walking across an old wooden floor whenever she bends over. She was apparently embarrassed by her ailment that she's complaining about on the radio because they were busy helping real people with real problems. However, if she does end up finding the cartilage dealer on the dark web or off Craigslist, she needs to do her hips first, then her back and lastly her neck. Perhaps she can have a London or Paris surgeon investigate the issue while she is there if she isn't arrested before Friday for Googling "how do I get on the dark web to buy stuff?" over and over.