EP 452: The Opportunity That Failed Relationships Provide Us With, with Samantha

Welcome to Over It and On With It. I'm your host, Christine Hassler. For over a decade, I've been a life coach, speaker, and author. Each week, you'll hear me work directly with a caller as I coach them through a goal they want to accomplish or an obstacle they may be facing. I'll provide a blend of practical and spiritual advice as well as tangible actions you can apply to your own life. Now let's get on with the episode.

Summary

In this episode, Christine speaks with Samantha, who is struggling with emotional attachments to two past romantic relationships she ended. Despite being the one to end both relationships, Samantha finds herself constantly thinking about her ex-partners, missing the companionship, and fantasizing about what could have been. Christine helps Samantha uncover the deeper emotional issues rooted in her childhood, specifically her relationship with her father, which have influenced her current difficulties in moving on from these relationships.

Consider/Ask Yourself

• Are you ruminating or obsessing over past relationships?
• Do you have unresolved issues from childhood with your parents?
• Are you still hoping for one of your parents to change and give you what you always wanted?

Guest Insights

• Samantha admits that her attachment to past relationships is a way to avoid feeling the actual pain of their endings. She acknowledges that fantasizing about what could have been is a way to distract herself from the hurt.
• She identifies with a fearful avoidant attachment style, which she believes is linked to her "father wound." Samantha describes her father as someone who was both absent and inconsistent, leading to a deep-seated fear of being alone and unlovable.
• Christine helps Samantha realize that she has been projecting her unmet childhood needs onto her romantic relationships. Samantha's fear of being alone stems from childhood experiences and a longing for her father's approval and love.

Aha Moments

• Christine emphasizes that feeling the pain and moving through it is necessary to avoid repeating the same mistakes in future relationships. By not fully processing the pain, Samantha has been unable to move on.
• The concept of the "Christ year" at age 33 is significant for personal awakening and transformation. Samantha, being 33, is at a pivotal point where she can choose to either continue her old patterns or embrace deep healing and change.
• Christine advises Samantha to stop seeing her loneliness as a problem to fix but as a necessary phase to fully experience and understand. By doing this, Samantha can break the cycle of seeking relationships to fill the void left by her father.

How to Get Over It

• Feel the Loneliness: Samantha is encouraged to fully feel her loneliness without trying to escape it through distractions or new relationships. This process will help her develop resilience and self-reliance.
• Inner Child Healing: Christine suggests that Samantha engage in inner child work to address the unresolved issues with her father. This can involve journaling, therapy, and self-reflection to give her inner child the love and validation she missed.
• Seek Professional Help: Working with a therapist, especially one trained in somatic therapy, can help Samantha stay connected to her body and process her emotions in a healthy way.
• Practical Exercises: Samantha should write down the truth about her past relationships, focusing on what didn’t work, to ground herself in reality and avoid idealizing her ex-partners. Additionally, she should ask herself how her thoughts make her feel and if she likes feeling that way, then consciously choose thoughts that lead to feelings of peace and freedom.

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