Emotional and Spiritual Abuse Survivor Q&A [282]

Sometimes a woman will say, “I decided to leave, but now my abuser is being so nice to me! What should I do?” 

Unless an abuser has found a new source of supply, the abuser will want to maintain control over you. He’s been observing what makes you tick for a long time. He's been observing what works and doesn’t work to emotionally manipulate you. He knows how to both push all your buttons AND pull on your heartstrings. 

One of the ways he knows he can pull on a nice girl's strings is to simply make a show of being nice to her, and then the victim thinks, “Oh, let's give him another chance. He's trying so hard, poor hapless man. I must be the wind beneath his wings.” 

We've been programmed to believe these kinds of things. A man can be chronically abusive, but when he’s nice, we think that just negates everything else he has done, but our body knows it’s not true. Our brain has been programmed to believe that if he is nice or says “I’m sorry,” that means he has repented, and we just need to take him back, suck it up, and sweep everything under the rug. But that's not what true repentance or forgiveness is.

This is taken from today’s episode in which I share part of a live emotional abuse Q&A I recently did for my email subscribers. These are people who have requested help and resources from me over the years. Sometimes I create free workshops or special events for everyone on that list. (If you don’t want to miss any articles or events or resources I create for you, be sure to get on that list by going to my website, flyingfreenow.com, and signing up at the top of the page!) 

Here are some of the questions I answered in today’s episode:

• Should I tell my adult children and close friends about the hidden emotional abuse I’m experiencing?
• I feel guilty because we’re in the middle of the divorce process, but all of a sudden, my husband has started being nicer than he’s ever been! 
• Why am I so afraid to tell my husband that I am done with the marriage?
• How do I avoid being triggered in a situation where my needs are being ignored or misunderstood? 
• Is my husband abusive, or just selfish and immature?
• And MORE! 

Read the show notes and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

• Books I recommended in today’s episode: Forgiveness After Trauma, The Body Keeps the Score, The Tools, Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom's Battle, and A Failure of Nerve.
• I also mentioned my interview with the author of Forgiveness After Trauma, Susannah Griffith, my article called “How to Leave an Emotionally Abusive Relationship: 10 Steps,” and another podcast episode, Episode 280, “Projective Identification in Abusive Relationships.”
• My newest book, All the Scary Little Gods, is a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming. 
• Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote another book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse. 
• Flying Free is my online membership program designed for Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages. Whether you want to stay in your marriage or leave, we want to equip and support you through this program.
• Flying Higher is my online membership program for divorced Christian women. Come rebuild your life after divorce with women just like you.