LW - Interdictor Ship by lsusr

Link to original article

Welcome to The Nonlinear Library, where we use Text-to-Speech software to convert the best writing from the Rationalist and EA communities into audio. This is: Interdictor Ship, published by lsusr on August 19, 2024 on LessWrong.
The standard operating procedure against a primitive forest-dwelling enemy is to retreat to orbit and then bombard the planet until there isn't a forest anymore. However, the only reason the Galactic Empire was in the Alpha Centauri A system in the first place was because of the fragile mineral resources underneath that forest. Dropping tungsten rods at hypersonic speeds would risk destroying the only thing of value on Pandora.
Alien aborigines armed with bows and arrows damaged Imperial legitimacy across the galaxy. It was like losing a battle to Ewoks.
The Emperor's solution had been to hire an Ewok.
Mitth'raw'nuruodo was a dwarf by Na'vi standards, but the blue alien stood a head above most humans. Originally hired as a translator, the Imperials on Pandora quickly noticed that the only patrols who came back alive were those that followed Mitth'raw'nuruodo's advice. Pretty soon, the moon was pacified and Mitth'raw'nuruodo was its de facto king.
Nobody liked the idea of an alien being in control of such a strategically-valuable moon. To get rid of him, they promoted Mitth'raw'nuruodo to Admiral. In space, many parsecs away from Pandora, the humans under Mitth'raw'nuruodo's command couldn't pronounce "Mitth'raw'nuruodo".
That was fine, thought Mitth'raw'nuruodo. Everyone just called him "Thrawn".
Amateurs talk strategy. Professionals talk logistics.
The Imperial Navy Defense Acquisitions Board (INDAB) originally met on Coruscant, but was moved to the Life Star for security reasons. Idle chitchat usually preceded the important negotiations.
"What I don't get is why we call it the 'Life Star'," said Chief Bast, "This thing blows up planets. Shouldn't it be called the 'Death Star'?"
"Do you want us to look like the bad guys?" said General Tagge, "The Department of Defense isn't called the 'Department of War'. The Department of Justice isn't called the 'Department of Incarceration'. The Department of Education isn't called the 'Department of Child Indoctrination'. Calling this megastructure the 'Life Star' buys us legitimacy for the low, low price of zero Galactic Credits."
"But won't people call us out on our Bantha fodder when we call things the opposite of what they really are?" said Chief Bast.
"Humans don't. Aliens sometimes make a fuss about it," General Tagge said, "No offense, Admiral."
"None taken," said Thrawn.
"Speaking of which, I've read your recent report," said General Tagge. He projected the Aurebesh symbols where everyone could see, "I forwarded the report to everyone here, but since nobody (except me) ever reads their meeting briefings, why don't you give us the quick summary."
"Of course," Thrawn stood up, "I have two theses. First of all, the Life Star is a tremendous waste of credits. This weapon's only possible use is against a peer adversary or a super-peer adversary. We control two thirds of the galaxy. We have no peer or super-peer adversaries. The Emperor's pet project consumes massive resources while doing nothing to advance our military objectives."
"The Life Star killed all the Rebel scum on Alderaan," said Grand Moff Tarkin.
"I have always considered you a rational agent," said Thrawn, "I am very curious how you, the commander of the Life Star, came to the conclusion that destroying Alderaan was the best way of advancing Imperial interests."
"If you have a problem with my methods then you can bring it to me in private," said Tarkin, "Your second thesis is the topic I hoped to discuss."
Thrawn pressed a button and the Aurebesh words were replaced with different Aurebesh words. They continued to go unread. "Rebel terrorists have recently equipped their starfighters with hyperdrives. They can strike anywhere, and will choose the weakest targets. Our current grand strategy is ...