998-Improve Your Listening Skills: Breaking the Cycle of Defensiveness

### Summary

#### Introduction

- Presenter: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes

- Topic: Listening without defensiveness

- Goals: Understanding causes of defensiveness, enhancing assertiveness, and reducing defensiveness

#### Understanding Defensiveness

- **Defensiveness**: Indicates a lack of safety; behavior or feeling when feeling unsafe.

- **Causes**:

 - Prior negative experiences (verbal/physical aggression, invalidation).

 - Low self-esteem leading to fear of rejection.

 - Triggering topics related to trauma or powerlessness.

#### Creating Safety

1. **Recognize Emotional State**:

  - Defensiveness arises from feeling unsafe or powerless.

  - Brain prioritizes fight or flight over processing information.

2. **Criticism vs. Behavior**:

  - Separate criticism of behavior from criticism of self.

  - Understand that feedback is about actions, not personal worth.

3. **Constructive Feedback**:

  - Take useful parts of feedback and leave the rest.

  - Consider the intention behind feedback; if it's aggressive, set boundaries.

#### Enhancing Communication

1. **Realistic Expectations**:

  - Not everyone will like you or your actions.

  - Nurture multiple sources of support.

2. **Set and Maintain Boundaries**:

  - Physical, emotional, and cognitive boundaries.

  - Communicate discomfort and establish respectful interactions.

3. **Self-Esteem**:

  - Confidence reduces defensiveness.

  - Respect differing opinions without feeling threatened.

#### Strategies to Reduce Defensiveness

1. **Empathy and Curiosity**:

  - Understand differing perspectives.

  - Explore underlying reasons behind others' views.

2. **Manage Reactions**:

  - Reflect and ground yourself when feeling defensive.

  - Validate others' experiences without agreeing.

3. **Objective Language**:

  - Use "I" statements to express feelings without blame.

  - Avoid vague or accusatory language.

#### Practical Steps

1. **Ground Rules**:

  - Establish clear boundaries for interactions.

  - Ensure safe environments for discussions.

2. **Avoid Mind Reading**:

  - Don't assume intentions behind others' words.

  - Focus on one issue at a time during conflicts.

3. **Rehearse and Prepare**:

  - Practice conversations to build confidence.

  - Identify triggers and prepare responses.

4. **Apologize When Necessary**:

  - Acknowledge mistakes to build trust and reduce defensiveness.

5. **Collaborative Solutions**:

  - Work towards win-win outcomes.

  - Respectfully disagree and find common ground.

### Time Codes for Major Points

00:00 Introduction and goals of the video

02:00 Understanding defensiveness and its causes

05:45 Creating safety in communication

08:30 Criticism vs. behavior and constructive feedback

12:15 Realistic expectations and nurturing support

15:00 Setting and maintaining boundaries

20:00 Enhancing self-esteem and respecting opinions

25:00 Empathy, curiosity, and managing reactions

30:00 Using objective language and practical steps

35:00 Rehearsal and preparation for difficult conversations

38:00 Apologizing and collaborative solutions

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