What if Santa was a Socialist?

Imagine if Santa were a socialist.

Everyone would get the same thing for Christmas. There would not be any creative or handmade gifts. Each would be a bland, standard-issue, non-offensive, gender-neutral gift designed by a bureaucrat in the North Pole.

In fact, Santa would no longer be male and most likely would be gender-neutral. All references to him or his in the stories about Santa would be removed so as not to offend anyone. No more white hair and beard as Santa would not want to be confused with a boomer.

Gifts would be given regardless of whether someone was naughty or nice. There would be no regard for Christmas Spirit or work ethic. It would not matter if you believe in Santa Claus or not, everyone would receive the same gift.

And about half of us would be paying for everyone else’s gifts. Forget about charity. Santa would have a comfy government job and many of us would pay much higher taxes to cover the costs of all of the gifts given out each year.

If Santa were a socialist, he would get around to delivering gifts about as fast as most socialist nations get around to providing essential government services — which means you’d probably get your presents some time next summer. Clearly, he and his helpers would not be working on a holiday — even at time-and-a-half — and certainly not if it wasn’t spelled out in their contract. So you can kiss Christmas Eve goodbye.

Santa’s helpers would be called vertically challenged and uniquely eared. All references to “elves” would be branded as insensitive. Those who used that language would be shunned...

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