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I’ve got a storytime for you today… My husband Rob was out of town, and I had already put the kids to bed. I decided to tackle some big Rubbermaid tubs that I haven’t touched in years and years. There were so many memories! My girl scout vest, so many printed pictures, and letters, and report cards. I came across a picture and it stopped me in my tracks. It made me start uncontrollably crying. I’m not much of a crier, but man this hit me hard. I texted a picture to Rob, and asked him “Why did no one ask me to prom and why am I bawling about it now?” He said, “Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry, I bet you never grieved it.” So let me tell you about the picture… It was skinny, tall and lanky, and I’m in this blue dress and I look really pretty! I look at all these details my hair, my makeup, my corsage… and I just start crying. I was on the student council in my Junior year of high school and that was the club that put on the prom at my school. So in my head, I’m debating, well I feel like I should go, but no one has asked me, so I had a few friends that didn’t get asked either so we decided to make a big, fun night of it. But there are a lot of painful memories that still come with this event. Oftentimes people aren’t purposely causing you pain, but it still happens.
I encourage you to think of a memory of your own. And I know I’m not a therapist and can’t provide healing, but working through these issues with God and a good therapist is highly recommended. But I also know that avoiding a painful memory isn’t going to help heal either. When I look at this picture I remember so many details. My friend and I went to the mall and I found my dream dress. Every time we went to the mall, I would go and try it on and dream about wearing it. I eventually even put it on hold. When I talked to my mom about it she said: “We really don’t want to spend that much money on a dress if you don’t have a date.” To this day that still wrecks me. I know my mom didn’t mean any harm, but at that age, it spoke volumes to me. I remember feeling that I wasn’t valuable, wasn’t worth it, that I wasn’t beautiful, and I felt like a loser. I remember feeling that then and I still feel some of that today. I have more tools today to handle it and see the patterns and negative thoughts.
When I look at that picture, I also remember going to the mall and getting my makeup done by myself and paying for it with my own money. When I look at that picture I see the corsage that I bought and ordered with my own money and think about how I wish my dad had gotten it for me. I can’t change the past but I still sat in my house and cried and cried. When I usually feel myself start to cry I push it back down and don’t let it come out. But at that moment, I went back to that time in my life and experienced that pain and hurt. It was just to feel that it sucked and I wish things had gone differently. But after I had a deep cry about it, I felt a peace come over me. I can look at this picture now and I don’t feel the sadness and grief I did when I found it for the first time.
When I look at this picture now I pour into that 17-year-old Jessica what I think she needed to hear. I tell her she’s worth it, that she is beautiful, you are good enough. And I let myself love that girl at 17 that didn’t love herself. I also think about what I wish someone would have said or done that she needed. And it makes me think about how I treat people and provide people with what they need. Especially my daughter… I want her to always feel beautiful and special and worth it! This is something that we need to be talking about with our kids and make sure they have the feeling that they are enough!
While I was still looking through the Rubbermaid tub, I found two other pictures that I pulled out. I have a second-grade picture of me and a middle-school picture of me. And I keep the second-grade picture up to remind me of my kids. My son is in second grade this year and I want to make sure I’m pouring into him the love that he needs. He is so much like me. I can sense that he has a strong inner critic and it just breaks my heart. Last night we were getting to bed really late. I had told them at least five times to pick up their toys and get their folders ready for school. So I just yelled “PICK UP THE TOYS” and his natural reaction was to storm off to his room. He yelled behind him “You always make me feel like a failure!”. Of course, I internally gasped. People want to feel seen and heard. That’s all 17-year-old Jessica wanted. Even 37-year-old Jessica wants to be seen and heard and loved. After he yelled, I kept thinking that I don’t do that! But I went in there and sat down and asked him curious questions. I really think that when I raised my voice that it made him feel like a failure, but he was really upset that he didn’t follow through with what he was supposed to do. We ended the conversation with me apologizing for raising my voice and him apologizing for not cleaning up when he was first asked. At that moment, a connection was made. It wasn’t about whether you were right or wrong. It was about making him feel seen, heard, and loved. We didn’t let each other off the hook but we made a connection and made each other feel seen at that moment.
I’m going to be praying for you this week as you go and let your younger self feel seen and heard! I want you to go back to that younger self this week and do the hard and fruitful work in your present and let those wounds heal! You will feel freedom and confidence! I’m so proud of what God is going to do with this healing!
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