What is Shame?
“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” ~Brené Brown
“Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.” ~Brené Brown
Shame drives parents and teens apart and creates a belief that you’re not good enough.
- Emotion
- It’s a feeling caused by a thought (conscious or unconscious)
- It goes hand in hand with our personal narrative, inner dialogue, the stories we tell ourselves.
- When we feel shame, we believe there is something wrong with us.
- We start to look at ourselves negatively.
- Action
- We look at others negatively.
- We try to manipulate their emotions negatively.
- We assume that there’s a better way.
- And that they should be doing better.
- “You should have…”
- “You should …”
- “You need …”
- “You’re not ____ enough.”
- “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
- Culture
- How we look at things that are different from ourselves, our expectations, or our desired outcomes.
- We see shame in:
- Politics
- Religion
- Race
- Sports
- Education
- It's our mindsets and belief
- Right vs. Wrong
- Good vs. Evil
- Normal vs. Abnormal
- Superior vs. Inferior
- It's a way to push agendas, social conformity, and it often lifts one group above another.
What Can We Do About Shame?
- Our own emotion vs. someone else’s emotion
- Allow the shame.
- Explore the shame.
- Often we want to push it away.
- Ignoring it or pushing it to others with blaming.
- We hide, get mad, or buffer.
- The only way to process the emotion is to allow it.
- Become aware of our own shame.
- Understand why we are feeling shame. What are the thoughts causing it?
- Question the thoughts. Why do I think that?
- Become intentional about your own shame.
- Think on purpose.
- Practice allowing, awareness, and intentionality.
- The action of shaming
- “You cannot shame or belittle people into changing their behaviors.” ~Brené Brown
- When you do it.
- Become aware of it.
- When do you do it?
- What are you feeling?
- What are you thinking?
- Act intentionally.
- When others do it.
- Realize that you CANNOT change them.
- Choose whether or not to believe their thoughts.
- No one can make you feel shame.
- People can “shame” you, but you don’t have to feel shame.
- Don’t shame back.
- Culture of shame.
- Embrace everyone as equality valuable
- Think in terms of right AND wrong, instead of right OR wrong.
- Strive to understand
- Trust
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