Santa Hacked, Iron Crotch Kung Fu, and Death By Poodle News Show 12.11.2020

This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 12/11/2020.

In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan are joined by actress Wendy Shapero, who you may know from Dirt, Free Samples, Robot Chicken, or the voice of the mom from our very own Babylon Bee animation. They talk about the week’s biggest stories like how our government is covering up aliens being among us, the vaccine being distributed through pyramid schemes, and how Santa’s Nice List has become compromised through software glitches. They also talk about how Kung Fu masters look to spread the gospel of the iron crotch, read hate mail, and wonder how many trendy food products Wendy will pitch to us before the show ends.

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Intro

Wendy talks about some of the roles she has played for The Babylon Bee and Robot Chicken. You might recognize her voice as the mom for our family or from the Halloween special. Here is the song she can’t get out of her head right now.

Stuff that’s Good

Kyle likes Almost Heroes

Ethan likes Sugar Taylor sauce and Junebug rub

Wendy Shapero likes walking on hot coals with Tony Robbins and TUSOL which she swears is totally not a pyramid scheme.

Weird News
Aliens in hiding until mankind is ready, says ex-Israeli space head

• Space aliens have reached an agreement with the US government to stay mum on the experiments they conduct on Earth — as well as their secret base on Mars — until mankind is ready to accept them, the former head of Israel’s space program, 87-year old Haim Eshed, claimed in a new interview.
• “Trump was on the verge of revealing [aliens existence], but the aliens in the Galactic Federation are saying, ‘Wait, let people calm down first,'” Eshed, who helmed Israel’s space security program from 1981 to 2010, reportedly said. “They don’t want to start mass hysteria. They want to first make us sane and understanding.”
• He also claims astronauts have already been to Mars… at the Alien’s secret base

California man punches 350-pound bear in face to save beloved dog 'Buddy'

• This happened in Nevada county, the bear had the dog by the head in its mouth and was dragging it back into the woods 100 ft away so Kaleb Benham ran out and punched the 350 pound bear in the face. 
• Buddy went into surgery and came out after three hours with some stitches and some staples, but was able to return home for Thanksgiving. Benham and Buddy spent the holiday in bed resting up and healing.
• Buddy is expected to make a full recovery.

“I’m OK, Just A Bit Tired”: Italian Man Walks 450 Kilometers To Cool Off After Arguing With His Wife

• A man from Italy walked 280 miles after an argument with his wife
• He was caught by police and fined for breaking the lockdown. 
• Wife had to pick him up and drive him back home after paying the fine. 

Mall Santa Rejects Nerf Gun Request, Brings Boy to Tears

• A video making the rounds on social media shows a mall Santa bringing a young boy to tears by rejecting the child’s request for a Nerf gun, and going even further to say, “No guns.”
• The New York Post reported the story, referring to the Kris Kringle imitator as a “politically correct Santa.”
• Update: Christmas justice! That mall fired Woke Santa and got a nerf gun for the kid he made cry.

Chinese “iron crotch” kung fu masters fight to preserve a painful-looking tradition

• These guys smash their testicles
• Its most famous technique involves a steel-plate capped log, 6.5 feet in length and weighing 88 pounds that swings through the air and smashes into a man’s crotch.
• “When you practise iron crotch kung fu, as long as you push yourself, you will feel great,” said Wang, head of the Juntun Martial Arts Academy.

Man uses sword to slice 68 grapes while standing on balance board to beat world record

Stories of the Week

Story 1 - 138,000 Kids Suddenly Added To Santa's Nice List In Middle Of Night

Summary: Santa Claus's nice list is said to be run on trustworthy software, safe and secure on an unhackable server under his workshop. 

But some are questioning the legitimacy of the nice list after the tally suddenly spiked in the middle of the night, adding over 138,000 kids to the good side of the list.

• There was a suspicious adjustment of 138,000 votes all for Biden in the middle of the night in Michigan.
• There are still various Trump lawsuits and the state of Texas lawsuit about the election procedures around the nation. 
• We will probably get banned from YouTube for talking about it though according to their latest email.

Story 2 - In Order To Appeal To Suburban Christian Women, Vaccine To Be Distributed Through A Pyramid Scheme

Summary: Many people are skeptical of the coming vaccine, some due to political reasons, and others due to religious reasons or the fact that all the numbers in the vaccine's serial number add up to 666 or something.

But there's one group that will definitely be on board with the vaccine now: suburban Christian women.

That's because the vaccine is being rebranded as an empowering wellness product called VacciLife. Women can sign on as an independent VacciLife consultant just by purchasing a $200 starter kit. Then, they're able to become their own boss and control their financial future by selling the vaccine -- and, even more importantly, a great business opportunity -- to their friends and family.

Story 3 - Newsom Issues Double Stay-at-Home Order Where You Have To Stay In A Smaller House Inside Your Original House

Summary: In an attempt to fight another spike in COVID-19 infections in California, Governor Gavin Newsom has issued the first ever double stay-at-home order. With the new order, people aren’t only ordered to stay in their homes no matter what, but also aren’t free to wander around their homes. Instead they have to stay inside smaller houses inside their regular homes. 

It’s suggested that each member of the household stays inside their own tiny house until the pandemic ends, even babies.

• Once again a policy that favors the rich (they have space in their big houses for small houses)
• Newsom is trying to ban gathering, outdoor dining, etc. Lots of local county and city law enforcement aren’t listening
• LA County tried to ban outdoor dining, but lost a court case about it.
• Newsom is a hypocrite going to French Laundry with no mask and no social distancing
• LA County Supervisor Sheila Kuehl voted to ban outdoor dining and then went to her favorite restaurant
• Chef Gruel who owns nation-wide chain of restaurants called  SLAPFISH Seafood basically said the government’s orders aren’t based on any science that outdoor dining is causing the spread of COVID and that banning outdoor dining is causing more people to gather indoors in their homes which we know is causing the spread. He told the government he’s going to stay open. He says, "It's crystal clear... elected officials are owned by corporate America or Silicon Valley, perhaps the entertainment industry— the rules don't apply to them. But they obviously apply to all of us small businesses, and we're getting crushed..."
• Pete Davidson calling people babies for wanting to end the lockdown and get back to work —- FROM HIS JOB (SNL)
• The Austin mayor told everyone to stay home while vacationing in Mexico

Topic of the Week: Wikipedia’s List Of Unusual Deaths

Kyle recently became obsessed with this morbid topic.

Hate mail

A woman really takes issue with how we apparently are banning meals that serve more than six.

Subscriber Segment

Subscriber update

Kyle and Dan are launching a Babylon Bee Reads podcast starting with The Lord Of The Rings. Get the book, read the foreword, prologue, and chapter 1 and look for episodes to drop in a few weeks.

Mailbag

We have a Carman sighting  from Bee friendCameron Belt 

MAGABoomer Bonus hate mail - 

A MAGAboomer responded to our newsletter and didn’t like us poking fun at Sydney Powell and sent us the most ALL CAPS, LINK-FILLED, ANIMATED GIF-filled MAGABoomer email we have ever received. And we are absolutely in love with it. 

Subscriber headlines

We do a weekly rundown of the top subscriber-submitted headlines of the week and give shoutouts to the ones that even got published! HUGE shoutout!

Got any cool stories?