Why do 92% of New Years' Resolutions fail, one year on? Why has the current cultural obsession with grit and willpower failed to move the needle on our behaviors? And why do long-time Buddhist monks demonstrate more self-control than the rest of us?
Today's guest, David DeSteno, PhD, has been studying these and related issues for a long time. David is a psychology superstar, and I was amazed when he agreed to take time out of his busy schedule to chat. He's a professor of psychology at Northeastern University, where he directs the Social Emotions Group. From his official bio:
"David is a fellow of the Association for Psychological Science and the American Psychological Association, for which he served as editor-in-chief of the journal Emotion. His work has been repeatedly funded by the National Science Foundation and has been regularly featured in the media, including The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, CBS Sunday Morning, NPR's Radiolab and Talk of the Nation, and USA Today."
I contacted David after reading a brilliant opinion piece of his in The New York Times last December. In it, he argued that we're using weak and toxic strategies in our quest to delay gratification of immediate desires to achieve long-term goals.
Grit, willpower, and cognitive control are simply the wrong tools for the job. Instead, he argues, and demonstrates through clever and compelling studies, long-term thinking in humans is tied to our social intelligence: we sacrifice today (helping a friend move, donating to a charity, etc.) to demonstrate to our social group that we are trustworthy, and worthy of their investment in return.
So the part of our brain that sacrifices now for future reward is fueled cleanly and efficiently by pro-social emotions. David has identified three of them: gratitude, pride, and compassion.
In this fascinating conversation, we cover the science, the implications, and the practice of being our best selves through creating inner environments conducive to these powerful pro-social emotions. We discussed:
- the emotions that facilitate sacrifice
- pride as a gauge of our service to others
- the primary function of "authentic" pride
- the benefits and dangers of team sports
- willpower causes collateral damage
- living with three ethical vegans and changing his relationship to sausage
- why meditation works to help us deploy self-control (and it's probably not what you think - it's not what I thought ;)
- we don't overcome desire, but change the nature of our desire
- the value of perspective taking
- Adam Grant's research on increasing workplace productivity by showing gratitude and expressing pride
- Hal Hirshfeld's future self interventions (here's the Plant Yourself Podcast episode with Hal)
- and much more...