Chris Voss learned negotiation in one of the most high-stakes professions possible: as a lead international hostage negotiator for the FBI. Having learned from the super-smart, super-rational Harvard negotiation experts, Chris quickly discovered that humans are not rational, and that principles and tactics that work with Rational Humans (a fictitious species) do not reliably work with Real Humans.
Drawing upon the work of behavioral economists like Daniel Kahneman, Amos Twersky, and Dan Ariely, and upon hundreds of real-life situations with bank robbers, terrorists, hardened criminals, and all manner of desperate people, Chris has distilled his counter-intuitive approach to negotiation into a fabulous book, Never Split the Difference.
Three days after finishing the book (which cost me around $20 on amazon), I used one tactic to save $500 on a new car. Now that's a return on investment!
My kids also devoured the book, and used it fruitfully in their own lives, and we all were astounded at how quickly we had acquired what we felt was a new superpower: the ability to represent our own interests and get more of what made us happy while at the same time improving our relationships with others.
We were curious whether and how Chris's advice would translate to the world of health behaviors. Whether the principles and strategies in Never Split the Difference would help spouses negotiate over healthy eating options. Would aid employees confronted with daily donuts at work. Would make it easier to overcome the voices of our own Inner Pigs and Sloths that want us to consume copious amounts of Little Debby's Nutty Bars while we sit on the couch binge-watching Netflix.
The conversation has quickly become one of my favorite episodes. I shared an advance recording with my coaching students and members of the Big Change Program, because I didn't want them to have to wait even a few weeks to start putting Chris's wisdom into practice in their lives.
And now it's your turn to benefit.
In our conversation, Chris and I covered:
- the power of a cold read plus empathy
- giving ourselves permission to ask for things
- working at a suicide hotline: "the best possible training" for hostage negotiating (and family dinners)
- humans are not logical
- why "coming to a wise agreement" is impossible - and a counterproductive approach
- negotiation as one form of building better relationships with others
- making deposits in the karma bank of life - whether it "benefits" us or not
- the Lift Game: "how many people can I lift up today?"
- proactive naming of the negative ("you're not going to like this")
- the power of effective pauses
- letting the other side have control too
- "how do you want me to deal with this?"
- invitations to collaborate build ownership
- the illusive and priceless Black Swan - and how to coax it into your negotiation
- the power of innocent observations (even - hell, especially - when they're wrong)
- why mislabeling is so powerful
- why we should welcome (and seek out) "No" from our counterpart
- the Jedi Mind Trick of mirroring
- how to negotiate with ourselves (using "you" instead of "I")
- how to coach ourselves more effectively and compassionately
- and much more...