Interesting If True - Episode 34: Happy Holiday Hoedown
Welcome to Interesting If True, the podcast that fits perfectly in your stocking, right next to that moldy orange.
I’m your host this week, Aaron, and with me are Shea,
I’m Shea, and this week I learned that the moral of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is that no one likes you unless you’re useful.
I’m Steve, and I’m back baby!
Stuffed To The StockingsI spent this last weekend making a few hundred cookies—also, team, I hope you like cookies cause that’s what you’re getting—and while Googling cookie recipes I also found… this stuff.
So, for a very 2020-appropriate holiday special, I bring you the worst things people might try to feed you on the longest night of the year…
Of course there are the staples like Fruitcake, which I think, might actually include staples.
This dense, flavorless, unforgiving calorie-brick only rears its ugly head on the holiday’s, a time when you’re supposed to show people that… you know… you like them. Still, the world is full of poor, missguided souls who think their friends and family actually want a savory cake so densely filled with canned fruit-cocktail rejects, ex-grapes, and bad liquor that they bend light and reason into their gravity well of terribleness.
The fruitcake tradition goes back to ancient Rome when people would make oat and barley cakes, just to make sure it was extra terrible I guess, and mix in pomegranate seeds, pine nuts, and raisins. Though, they could be forgiven because literally anything except dying of yee-oldie rot was the best thing in the world. Foruntantly, as a people we’ve… mostly figured out how to stop making everything a test of one’s mettle.
Unless you live in Australia that is, because in the land of literally-everything-is-trying-to-kill-you of course they consider fruitcake a year-round treat. I guess it is better than dying of dropbear STDs.
In Ireland the fruitcake will actually try to kill you. Apparently, it’s traditional to bake barmbrack on Hallowe’en with coins, rings, and other small choking hazards.
Ah shelf stable, open-air, bread. What could be better?
Booze.
It would seem that most fruitcake recipes and variations work in a great deal of alcohol. Usually the “fruit” is soaked for weeks before being used but in variations like those in the Anglophone Caribbean booze is an important ingredient because you’re trying to make, essentially, a very drunken English Christmas pudding log. Some recipes call for so much alcohol, and for the cake to be wrapped in an alcohol soaked cloth, that they’ll last more or less forever. For example, the Ford family in Tecumseh, Michigan considers the fruitcake their great, great, I-lost-count, great grandpa made in 1878 an family heirloom. They even got Jay Leno to eat a bit on air and he didn’t die, so that’s nice. The oldest consumable fruitcake on record is the 109-year-old cake discovered in 2017 by the Antarctic Heritage Trust.
And now that we’ve go to the obligatory “fruitcakes are terrible” story out of the way, let’s put something inside a seal.
Yep, as in a water-puppy.
This is Kiviak—or as it’s more commonly known, Satan’s Turkduken—is a traditional dish from Greenland. Apparently, Inuits needed a source of vitamins, minerals, and stank during the deep winter months so they did the only logical thing, they hollowed out a seal—their phrase, not mine—and filled up the seal-sack with four or five hundred dead Auk birds, beaks, feathers, feet and all. Auk birds are those tink, penguin-crossed-with-a-house-sparrow looking birds. They’re related to puffins and weigh in at 5 to 6 ounces, so you can fit a lot of them inside 500 pounds of dead seal. Once stuffed the seal-ducken is left to ferment under a rock for around three months.
Once fermented in the melting seal fat the birds can be eaten raw… according to the worst sentence I’ve ever read on a foodie travel blog, which continues, with a yet worse sentence “the most popular way to consume Kiviak is to bite off the head of the auk and suck out the juices” which are not raspberry flavored. No, those are the liquified entrails of a bird.
Local fans of the “delicacy” say the bird meat flavor is heightened by fermentation and takes on flavors of stinky cheeses and liquorice.
Traditionally this dish is now served on Christmas, at weddings, and sometimes, at funerals. According to legend an old man made and ate some Kiviak and, I guess because he put it under the wrong rock, it killed him. Then, unbenounced to his family, but nounced to us, the Kiviak had gone bad but was assumed to be ok and served at his funeral… where many, many people ate it and became gravely ill themselves. So… merry Christmas I guess. Unless you’re a seal.
Of course, three months, a hollowed out seal, and four hundred tiny birds might be more doing than you want to put into a quarantine-Christmas dinner. If you’d rather spend all your time with your cat than kitchen, might I suggest ordering a lovely Christmas Dinner Pizza from Mayfair Pizza, or in less London-y locations… Papa Johns.
That’s right, your favorite Trump supporting, working exploiting, cardboard cheese serving, pizza dump pulled another wondrous item out of their oven of horrors and declared it Christmas dinner. Because the best way to make sure Tiny Tim keeps all his frivolous requests to himself is to give him a second slice of this atrocity.
This circular hellscape of toppings includes turkey balls with all the bite-sized trimmings—including non-Newtonian cranberry cubes—carrots, broccoli, brussel sprouts, “honey” glazed parsnips, and all the roasted, undefined “meat” you can cover in the pies red wine gravy sauce. Because fuck you, that’s why.
Dumbed the “Festive Feast” pizza, this monstrosity goes on sale in December so that you can spend the holidays hating yourself as fully as someone who orders it deserves. Papa John’s, for their part, wants to assure everyone that they’re an equal opportunity holliday food-Grench. So if undisclosed animal products aren’t your thing you can order a vegan version of this pizza complete with plant-based fake-cheese substitute “Sheese” which now boasts the ability to melt.
If you are in the greater London area and this abortion of a food substance sounds good you can visit the aforementioned Mayfaire Pizza location and their much less discusting sounding Holiday Pizza. Pro-tip though, make sure you put the pizza out before eating as, for some reason, this pie is served flambe.
But enough of that vegan crap, let’s talk about our meat!
Big ol’ servings of meat for your mouth. Massive, erect, towers of meat. Next to those big, brown, meatballs. You know, the kind that barely fit into your mouth. And those long, juicy sausages. So tender. I mean, you gotta tenderize. Get in there and really beat your meat into submission before you feed it to others. You know, real Norman Rockwell, Americana, heteronormative stuff.
What?
I mean, meat towers!
It seems that America was enthralled with how big and imposing its meat was. If you wanted to put the commies in their place, you had to have some heavy, swinging, meat. Like, three or four pounds at least. Which is asking a lot if your meat tower has crabs. Crabs, shrimp, and the like were popular in the 1950’s. Bon Appetit’s recipe used pine sprigs, ham, mayo, and green olives to reach nearly two feet of towering seabug saltiness.
Well, I say seabug, because shrimp, but if you live inland they might just be Mudbugs. Or as 1962’s Art of French Cooking says is the definitive Christmas tower of Holiday power—you gotta get yourself some “Crayfish Bush.”
And no, that’s not a channel on PronHub…
This meat tower is basically the same as the shrimp tower but with Crayfish instead. Which, in the picture, makes you look like a fancy-pants lobster engineer but in reality makes you a gross dirt person. Ok, maybe that’s a little far, but I’ve eaten crayfish in nearly every style you can think of and let’s just say there’s a reason that’s all past-tense. They’re gross. Imagine the bland, whitefish, mush of a lobster mixed with gritty overtones of literal mud and rot, all wrapped up in a mini-me lobster that makes everything more work for less reward and you’ll have it.
If you’ve got more than a shrimp to work with [cough] you might want to go with a Holiday Meat Tree, yee-oldie recipe included in the show notes. These fine American cold cuts are layered, like the stories from that drunk Uncle you don’t have to deal with this year #ThanksCovid, over a tree made out of a loaf of unsliced Wonderbread. The bread is used as a base for rolls of “assorted cold sliced meats” and lettuce leaves can be toothpicked to. It’s… soggy!
And who wants a moist, floppy, meat tower anyway?
Best we move on to other, fishier, meat sculptures. Because why should the guys… at the deli… have all the fun eh? If you’re looking to get your tuna tossed this holiday season there’s no better way than a Tuna Tinsel Tree. This disgusting delight comes to us from the talented team at Chicken of the Sea who really should spend less time asking if they can make a recipe, and more time wondering if they should. From Better Homes and Gardens, 1968 “Oh God Why” feature (and no longer on their website, I looked) comes this… mound of pink, fishy, mayo-dripping, canned meat. Better Homes really had their finger on the button of American sensibilities when they published the … blueprints, for this one. First, you open a dozen or so cans of tuna. Then you mix it with mayo, relish, and the existential dread of knowing you’ll die alone because this is what you think humans eat, until your bowl of fish holds stiff peaks. Then, you dump it out on a plate, use your hands to crudely form it into a cone, stick a bunch of loose leaf parsley to it and call it a tree. Yum.
Unfortunately, if you’re a good Bible-reading Christian, you know you shouldn’t have trees in your home (Jeremiah 10: 1-5), but fear not, Hellmann’s is here to save the day with their terrifying recipe for a Frosty Slaw Man. This hellspawn is a semi-round ball of the aforementioned ingredients with the delightful addition of grated cabbage and a bell pepper cap hat.
And if that doesn’t leave your orafi dripping may we just need to dig a little deeper into that holiday clam. So let’s make some Oyster casserole. Because nothing says “Happy Holidays” like a gritty, brined, beige, plate of damp mush. This self-proclaimed and proud “stinky” treat is made with “fresh jarred” oysters, four cups of saltine cracker crumbs, butter, half & half, the remaining oyster liqueur—or, what it actually is, salty oyster preservation liquid—the tiniest conceivable amount of worcestershire sauce, more salt or some reason, and pepper. As for directions… dump the listed ingredients into a pan, mix well, bake, then kill yourself.
Of course, not everyone wants a plate of fish-mush. Some people prefer giggle-fish. Luckily, I’ve come prepared with the Vegetable and Tuna Gelatin cake. Yep.
This “modern” delight comes to us from the 1960’s and all the enthusiasm the invention of jello could muster. This pink, glistening, bunt-mare is made with unflavored gelatin, condensed tomato soup, cream cheese, mayo, relish, and canned tuna. Directions include making gelatine, then mixing it with everything else I listed until smooth and letting it set in a pre-formed pan until the elder gods smite you. Served with embedded olives, because of course, and a center of oily, tomato and basil, this horror will wiggle and giggle it’s way right into your trash can’s heart.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking, “those sound like great foods to alienate my family on the holidays, but what can I serve them to wash it up with?”
The answer may surprise you… in fact, I really hope it does. Marks & Spencer, who I thought was just a retail store for people with more money than taste, proved that the only thing they really care about is the “without taste” part when they released their new holiday beverage, brussel sprout soda. Mixed with the flavor enhancing power of apple, pear, and depression, this fine opaque, puss-green, drink will set you back five bucks a bottle and is the perfect holiday treat to serve guests you don’t want to deal with next year.
And finally, how about some desert?
I know a few of these are technically, or traditionally, considered desert but mashed meat products and gravity warping bread don’t count in my book. No, ‘round here we let people eat cake. Like dry Bean and Pea cake.
This delicacy was served in the 18th and 19th centuries on January 5th usually, which is apparently an important festive day… you know… back in the day. Also known as a Twelfth Cake the cake itself isn’t really described. It’s just, you know, a cake. What’s unique is that the baker will add a dry bean and pea to the batter. When eaten the lucky people who don’t choke to death on raw rock-food are declared the King and Queen of the night and everyone has to play their games and follow their rules, one of which is, I hope, no more adding choking hazards to the desert.
Before I go, if you, like me, find yourself wanting a holiday midnight snack, you should hit up Tesco for a Turkey & Stuffing Weirdough. According to the package these are “flavored mini doughnuts” flavored with the finest artificial thanksgiving tastes. These onion-ring looking snacks are shelf stable, crunchy, and come in neon packaging which I’m sure doesn’t at all taste better than the product. But if you need a festive midnight snack and your shoe hasn’t come out of the microwave yet, these just might be your go to!
In closing I should tell the tale of at least one modern traditional holiday food, Wisconsin’s own “cannibal sandwich” which, would be wayyyy better if it were what it sounds like it is.
Wisconsin residents are being urged to stop being so damn gross by health officials warning of Salmonella, E. coli, Campylobacter and Listeria, and a lot more in their Christmas treat of choice. The sandwich, also known as the Tiger Meat sandwich, is made with two slices of generic white bread and a filling of raw hamburger meat. The end.
It seems that the people of Wisconsin are willing to do anything to avoid continuing to live in Wisconsin, including participating in one of some eight raw meat-related outbreaks the state has hosted since 1986. “Time for our annual reminder that there’s one #holiday tradition you need to pass on: raw meat sandwiches, sometimes called Tiger Meat or Cannibal Sandwiches,” the state health department wrote on Facebook.
Raw burger is, of course, full of harmful bacteria because that’s what happens when you put stuff in a grinder and mix its germy outside with its otherwise clean inside. Which is why beef tartar, for example, is made from high quality slabs of beef, washed, seasoned, and chopped right before serving.
So there ya go everyone. Regardless of your holiday preferences I hope you’re having the thing you like the most, with the people you like the most—if only on Zoom. Thanks for joining us on this tasty holiday special and if you’ve had or are intentionally making any of these fine treats I’d love to hear what they’re like… and why…
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WWSQ-World Wide Santa QuizInterested in what we have to say about this story?
Good news, it’s available right now to subscribers at Patreon.com/iit!
Santa Claus has become the dominant international figure of the holiday season. He might well be deemed the headline act, but the character arose from a synthesis of historic, folk and religious traditions stretching back hundreds of years. There’s a mind-boggling number of variations on the character throughout history and barely any country opted for the same iteration or set of customs.
In the UK, US and Canada, “Santa Claus” or “Father Christmas” travels around the world sporting a red suit on his sleigh, pulled by 8 reindeer.
He comes down the chimney the night before Christmas (between 24 and 25 December), leaving presents for children under the Christmas tree! Children often leave Christmas stockings by the fireplace that Santa can fill with small gifts and sweets.
Some families will leave a snack for him for his travels. In the UK, it’s common to leave a mince pie (a traditional festive pastry) and a glass of whisky / sherry for Santa, and a carrot for the reindeer!
Today we take a look at different Santa traditions from around the world and test Aaron and Steve’s knowledge of the Jolly Red Elf. So sit back and relax with that mug of nog and see what you know.
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
I’m Aaron, and I’d like to thank all our listeners, supporters, and my co-hosts.
Whatever you do or don’t celebrate we hope it’s going as well as 2020 will let it.
Stay safe out there and have a Happy Holidays!
Find out more about the show, social links, and contact information at InterestingIfTrue.com.
Music for this episode was created by Wayne Jones and was used with permission.
The opinions, views, and nonsense expressed in this show are those of the hosts only and do not represent any other people, organizations, or lifeforms.
All rights reserved, Interesting If True 2020.
To contact the show, get more content, or interact with other listeners, visit our web, Twitter, or Facebook pages. Of course, we’d love a 5-Star review wherever you get your podcasts from!
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