How To Improve Your Relationship During The Fertility Journey

Dr. Sarah Rattray joins us today as we're digging into how to improve our relationship during the fertility journey.

I can’t believe I’m about to celebrate 25 years of marriage in June. We met each other at our university bar called the - The Rat (yep it was a hole in the wall). I was wearing one of my super short skirts (cue 90’s fashion) plus a coat with a fur collar that he called my beaver pelt (yeah he made me laugh – score a point for him).

I remember how bloodshot his eyes were (nothing like cheap draft beer), what a very large school ring he was wearing on his finger (that’s ring has been replaced lol), and how cute he was!

Six years later we were married and then we started trying for kids. My husband is a very calm person – next to my excitable, always needs a plan (i.e. controlling nature). When I received my premature ovarian failure diagnosis he was right there by my side.

The only time I got angry with him was when I wanted to get a dog and he didn’t want one – (I’m not a big crier – but I broke down telling him I needed this dog – because we couldn’t have kids right now). Our dog Sadie came along 18 months before our daughter, Ava, and then our son Will was born 3 years later.

We’ve been through a lot together and no marriage is perfect – but we continue to work on ourselves and communicate with each other. And after all these years I still laugh at his jokes, he tolerates my crazy ideas and when our dog Sadie passed away – I wanted to get another dog – 4 years later he finally relented and little Rosie joined our family – and since my husband has been working at home – this dog is his constant companion and barely notices me!

The fertility journey can either make your relationship stronger or it can tear you apart.

As you may know, our Fab Fertile Method always includes your partner unless you are choosing to conceive by yourself, and then we can also support you.

What if you find yourself nagging or criticizing your partner?

What if you feel defensive or you find yourself fighting.

How do we reconnect with our partners during the fertility journey?

I’m excited to welcome Dr. Sarah Rattray, leading Couples Psychologist for over 30 years, who is the founder and CEO of the Couples Communication Institute, which is dedicated to helping couples achieve lasting closeness and intimacy through effective communication.

In this episode you'll learn:

1) How to stop nagging and criticizing.

2) What to do when you feel contempt or not valuing your partner's feelings or opinions.

3) How do we stop being defensive and take responsibility and apologies for our actions.

4) How to reconnect with our partner and start conversations about our dreams/goals for the future.

---

TIMESTAMPS:

06:28- INTRO TO TODAY'S EPISODE AND DR. SARAH RATTRAY'S BIO

07:02- DR. SARAH RATTRAY'S JOURNEY AND INTEREST IN THIS WORK

“Couple actualization”

09:00-  GOTTMAN THERAPY

What makes the difference between the “masters” and the “disasters” of relationships?

10:54-  INTRO TO THE GOTTMAN MODEL

“The four horsemen to the apocalypse”

Through struggles some people grow closer some grow apart- how come?

“When something doesn’t sit well with you, you have to tell your partner.”

“You need to share your feelings with your partner”

12:28- CRITICISM AND ITS ANTIDOTE

The difference between a complaint and criticism

The importance of being objective and not blaming

The cornerstone of a strong relationship: Thinking of what you appreciate

Leading with criticism - a “harsh start-up”

17:34- TWO KINDS OF AWARENESS (AND WHY THIS MATTERS)

18:53- DEFENSIVENESS AND ITS ANTIDOTE

Defensiveness usually follows criticism

Being in a “state of defensiveness”

Taking responsibility for what you do

“Taking responsibility takes inner strength”

23:15- CONTEMPT AND ITS ANTIDOTE

The danger of contempt in a relationship

An example of contempt in an everyday situation

A “one-up” to a “one down” situation

How to know if you are doing things contemptuously 

The difference between “sharing your knowledge” and using contempt

“A culture of appreciation.”

Understanding that often the behavior is driven by our values

How to find what you appreciate about your partner

33:48- STONEWALLING AND ITS ANTIDOTE

36:20- HOW TO STOP FIGHTING WITH YOUR PARTNER

38:05- RECONNECTING WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STRUGGLE

Having a conversation with your partner about connecting

We connect by “bringing it up”

41:16- WHAT IF ONE PARTNER DOESN’T WANT TO TALK?

Openly addressing objection and avoidance

43:28- SHARING LIFE DREAMS WITH EACH OTHER (WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STRUGGLE)

When you want to connect with your partner make space for one person to speak and the other person to focus on listening to understand

Why and how to truly listen to your partner

Let your partner know your goal in your conversation

What if a conversation about having fun is triggering?

51:45- DETAILS ABOUT FREE COMMUNICATION QUIZ

53:00- FINAL THOUGHTS FROM DR. RATTRAY

“If you need support, reach out.”

“Don’t struggle if you don’t have the skills to connect.”

“Reaching out is an investment in your relationship.”

---

I’m excited to invite you to a special masterclass - where you’ll learn How To Improve Your Chances Of Pregnancy Success If You Have Low AMH/High FSH.

This LIVE masterclass is on Tuesday, June 15TH at 9 pm EST.

Register your spot here.

Here’s what you’ll learn:

What you need to know about low AMH/high FSH so that you can get pregnant naturally.

How to know which diet will improve low AMH/high FSH so that can stop wasting time and prepare your body for pregnancy success.

Why balancing this "often overlooked" hormone is essential to optimize low AMH/high FSH (why many times you'll be told everything is "normal") and healing opportunities are missed.

Space is very limited for this LIVE interactive masterclass. Get your questions answered by our team of Fertility Experts. Register your spot here.

---

Book your Free Supercharge Your Fertility Discovery Call here: https://intakeq.com/booking/cZ7XW6

---

Sponsored by Fab Fertile Store. Ensure your preconception supplements are free from dyes, filler, and top allergens. Check out our basic recommendations that are essential for preconception health. Visit https://www.fabfertilestore.com/

---

Got questions?  Join the Fab Fertile Support Group for motivation, support, and education so that you can prepare for pregnancy success.

---

Connect with Sarah on social media and learn more about functional fertility solutions that will help you have your baby.

Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/fabfertile/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sesacoaching/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/fabfertile

Linkedin:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/sarahclarkfertilitycoach/

 

Related Episodes:

Functional Medicine 101

https://www.fabfertile.com/blog/functional-medicine-101-and-your-fertility/

How to Optimize Your Fertility by Including Your Partner 

https://www.fabfertile.com/blog/how-to-optimize-your-fertility-by-including-your-partner/

It’s Time For A Second Opinion..What Are You Missing?

https://fabfertile.com/blog/its-time-for-a-2nd-opinion-what-are-you-missing/