#31 Therapeutic Lying - A look at this alternative approach

As a caregiver, it can be difficult to know how to handle repetitive, and painful questions from someone with dementia. There is evidence that shows when someone with dementia asks specific common questions, they are seeking to feel a certain way.

Here's a list of example questions and ideas for responding to them. I explain why they might be asking the questions, so you can use my examples or come up with creative ways to help them receive what they need. Hopefully they will ask these questions less, over time, if they gain a sense of what they need based on how you handle them.

Question:

"Where is my mom"

What they might need: To feel wanted, secure, safe, comforted, attached or loved.

How you could respond:

Show them photos that associate positive feelings of their mom instead of changing the subject.

By allowing the conversation to flow mom, it can calm them.

Spend time with them and develop a nurturing relationship together.

Question:

Where is my Dad?

What they might need: To feel security, guidance, safety, comfort

How you could respond:

Build a trusting nurturing relationship to help them feel safe.

Lend an ear, so they can talk about what worries them. Non-judging responses.

Use photo and talk about their dad, and don't try to change the subject.

Question:

Where is my husband or wife?

What they might need: To feel safe, secure, loved, friendship, companionship

How you could respond:

Introduce them to another resident or invite someone they like over to visit.

Use photos to talk and reminisces about family.

Talking often creates healing for people.

Ask them questions about their spouse and fond memories (only if they are not distressed)

Question:

Where are my children?

What they might need: To feel comfort, purpose, love, belonging

How you could respond:

You could let them help with activities like folding clothes, make a shopping list, getting ready for mealtime, dusting, shaking rugs outside, or sweeping.

Spend time with them talking about their life and past memories.

Sharing stories with someone can help them feel loved and happy, because they remember their achievements.

Question:

Where is my home, or house?

What they might need: To feel in control, accepted, familiar and comfort

How you could respond:

Invite them to be involved in the environment, so they feel a sense of belong there.

Talk with them about how long they've lived here, and who's been by to visit them.

Ask them if they want to help with household stuff, cooking, or kids activities.

Keep their environment familiar to them with furniture, decorations and personal items.

When it comes to therapeutic lies, I have mixed opinions. It's a complex topic and a useful tool, but it has potential for being mis-used like many things. I feel if it's done with people who suffer from sever dementia, it's harmless, as long as it provides therapeutic benefit for them like reducing anxiety and suffering.

I do feel that lying can become habitual, so if caregivers spend time lying throughout their day, it might have negative affects on them. Lying can become a habit that carries over to the rest of their lives.

As I always say, there's a balance needed and I'll leave that up to each of you to decide.

I'm not here to tell you not to lie. I wanted to share insight and alternatives to lying in the above paragraphs.