Episode 82: How & when to pull back on screen time, and how to do that in a positive way!

How and when should we pull back on screens? This episode discusses a few things you can use to evaluate this & one fun way to spin that positively! 

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Full Transcription: 

Speaker 1 (00:00):

So it's no doubt that screen use affects our kiddos. And sometimes we allow it more than we want to, right. Life gets busy and we just allow more time in, it becomes a very slippery slope. And before we know it, we're seeing that maybe that's not the best positive influence. So how do we know when we need to reel it in? What are the warning signs for that? And then what are some things that we can do to make it a positive twist? When we are trying to instill our preferences and our boundaries for screen time and screen use in general, that's what we're going to chat about today. So stay tuned,

Speaker 2 (00:45):

Welcome to your source for tips, tools, and support to help you be that mom that is tuned in and proactive for yourself, your family, and for the wild ride of raising kids in this digital age, inspired by a mother's love with a relatable real life. Proud to be that mom flair. This is the bead that mom movement with your host, Dolly Denson,

Speaker 1 (01:10):

Hey friends, did you hear there is an app that will transform the safety of your kids, smartphone and technology use. It is my favorite way to sleep easy at night and have peace of mind because it is monitoring my kids' activity online without me being in their business. It is the bark app and yes, bark like a dog bark bark bark. It tells you when there's something that you need to be concerned about starting at a small fee each month, you can protect your whole family across all devices. Get connected with bark today. Use code, be that mom for 20% off your subscription for life and get a seven day free trial to check it out. Alrighty, so welcome back to another episode of the be that mom movement podcast. I was looking yesterday, I was working on my be that mom movement method course, and I was looking through my podcast to see a certain topic that is going to be discussed in one of the modules.

Speaker 1 (02:02):

And as I was looking, I noticed the stats for the podcast on how many downloads I'm getting each month, where they are in the world. And then the total number of downloads that I've had now, the growth of my podcast has been slower than other podcasts I know of, of other podcast hosts that I know personally. And that's just because I have so many different things that I'm working on in my life definitely have a lot of different passions. So I have not been able to bring on guests like I would like to and be on guests on other shows as much as I would prefer. And then my course has not been out in the world yet. And I want it to be very soon. It has been a passion project for me for nearly a year that I've been working on it. So it seems crazy to think it's been that long, but man, the world has been crazy this past year, but I was looking at that and I'm just blown away by the number of downloads and the number of people that are listening.

Speaker 1 (02:56):

Hopefully you all are listening. You didn't just subscribe. And it's just one of those things that's downloaded to your phone. I do have some podcasts I've subscribed to in the past that I just don't have time to listen to. And therefore they get downloaded and get counted as a download for them. And maybe I'm not listening to them. So maybe all of y'all are not listening. And I am talking to the wind, but if there is one or two people at least out there in the downloads that I'm having every month that is finding this helpful I make, or I believe that this is worth it in the end. At the end of the day, I am not here to promote something to you specifically, except for paying forward. What I have learned, what I have went through with my own family and trying to help you navigate this once I saw the big picture of things and went through some hard, hard, hard days as a mom.

Speaker 1 (03:48):

So I hope at the end of the day that you realize that's what I'm here for. The reason that I bring that up is I was in this group on Facebook. That was about like moms of boys or something like that. And this mom posted about kind of what we're going to talk about today, but she posted about screen time with her kid and she felt like, you know, she's just like lost him and it's hopeless and all of this. And so I commented on that post and said, you know, just some of my experiences and what I recommend. And then I commented that I had a podcast. Well, my posts got deleted by the people that run that group because they said that there can be no self-promotion honestly I can understand that how that could get out of hand if people are coming in and be like here, buy this, buy this, do this.

Speaker 1 (04:34):

But honestly, I, I really took time to comment from the heart to tell that mom that I had been there and that same exact spot is her and what I had done. And then they just deleted it because I mentioned that I have a podcast that I am paying forward the stuff, and I would do this completely for free. So it's not about whether or not you are using my affiliate links to subscribe to bark or pinwheel or any of that. I am providing that and hopefully passing on a discount for you because I know how hard it can be. But at the end of the day, I do this regardless of that. And so it kind of hurt me a little bit, that that group was all about, oh, we'll offer help, but don't offer help. So I get it, you know, I get it on the one hand, but I was really kind of offended by that.

Speaker 1 (05:18):

So I just wanted to bring that up, that I am here for that mom that finds her in the place that I was or for that mom that is not wanting to get where I was. And I hope that you know, that I hope that you feel that from my heart, the topics that I bring up are things that I'm seeing out in the world that are relevant, that I've been through. And that I just don't want you to take the hard road that I did. Not that you can't still get through it, but things are ever changing in this digital world. So we really have to be proactive and all of that. And you know, if you've listened to any number of my podcasts, I am like preaching to the choir right now. But if you're new to my podcast, I just want to say that I am here provide you, I can't speak, ride you with some nuggets to help you on this path.

Speaker 1 (06:02):

Yours will look different than mine, but at the end of the day, my goal is for you to help guide your kid through this and to not just leave them out in that big, vast, deep blue sea of all the digital things and whether you realize it or not, they are being impacted and influenced by the things that they see and consume and things that may try to get in touch with them, that type of thing. So not trying to be doom and gloom or scary or any of that, but I truly am just here to provide you tools and all of those things. Okay. So let's get to today's topic. So what I want to talk about today is when should you be concerned with screen time or, you know, like the effect of them being on some type of digital stimulation and like, what are the warning signs for that?

Speaker 1 (06:51):

And then what are some positive ways that we can kind of turn that around to where it's not just a negative, these are your restrictions. You better abide by this, or I'm going to take it away. Some kids need that, but I think there's a couple of things that are pretty exciting that I was looking at today that I, if I wish that when my kids were younger, that I would have had these things, I actually think they are like kind of vital to the raising of our kids and a huge missing piece in their education if we have them in a traditional educational setting. So I'm excited to kind of talk about this stuff today. So let's talk about when you are allowing your kid on screens. Of course, you've probably heard me say this before, but it's best to have it set up to where you have some control over that in terms of where they consume those things and for how long, but let's say you have kind of let them have free reign because they've, you know, been doing good and life's crazy and you're busy with work and those types of things.

Speaker 1 (07:50):

And you've just kind of let that go. And you notice that some things maybe you need to, Hmm, maybe you need to do something, but you're not sure, right. Or you're at the point to where it's obvious that there's something that you need to do, but you don't know what to do. So I was researching this and I found a psychologist's page, but where she was talking about four phases or four categories that kids can fall in in terms of the influence of digital things and where they fall determines what your next action should be. So before I go into those four kind of categories, I want to just say that when I was going through this, when we were really kind of having some issues and I didn't have any inkling of an idea of how to manage all of the things we did, some trial runs of just some restrictions and pulling back on how much was allowed.

Speaker 1 (08:49):

And it became very obvious, very quickly that wasn't going to be enough that we needed to more drastic. And then it came to a point to where it was blatantly obvious that something had to change. And that's when we pulled completely away from all the digital things for a period of time. And I don't think there's a right or wrong with this. I think this is something where you have to use your own judgment. So let's talk about the four categories. So the first one is healthy functioning, and this is where digital media is used as a tool to reach a desired goal. This is where there is limited use of entertainment and social media on digital things. This is where they have healthy mood fluctuations, which sometimes those are kind of hard to gauge because you know, the whole preteen and teen thing, things can just naturally be dramatic.

Speaker 1 (09:43):

This is where there's no screen use two hours before they go to bed and comfortable interacting socially with other kids in person they're physically and socially active, they engage in a wide variety of hobbies and activities. Their social interactions are primarily face-to-face and they have consistent performance in the things that they are involved in, in their lives, whether it be school, whether it be sports, whether it be some type of outside the home activity, that's the healthy functioning category. Now the next one, this psychologist terms it reactive or common distress category. So this is where digital media is used to relieve distress on occasion, increasing use of entertainment, video games, and social media is occurring. At times they may be irritable and impatient. They use the screen right up to going to sleep. They have some discomfort interacting socially out in the world, and they have decreased physical and social activity because they are using the screens more.

Speaker 1 (10:51):

They have limited engagement in a wide variety of hobbies and activities. They have less face-to-face social interaction and they have inconsistent academic or work performance. So if you decided to go ahead and give a phone or give an X-Box, and now you were kind of seeing some of these creep in, those are kind of like red flags or warning signs for you that maybe we need to look at. Dolly's be that mom movement method course if I had it out yet, or just look for some way to kind of pull back from things that was kind of a spontaneous little plug there, but truly, um, that's just one option out there, but now let's go to the third category. This is called impairment in functioning. So this is where digital media is used most of the day for extended periods of time. We'll look at a combination of things in terms of their activity and how much they're consuming.

Speaker 1 (11:48):

So it doesn't mean just sitting in front of one thing. It may mean a phone, a computer, an Xbox, that type of thing. This is preoccupation with entertainment, video games and social media. They may have a depressed mood, anxiety, or anger. They may have trouble sleeping and seem tired all of the time. They have a breakdown and healthy relationships. They are physically deconditioned, likely overweight or even underweight because they're not eating enough or eating junk infrequent, social involvement, limited face to face social interaction, and then academic failure or employment difficulties. Okay. So, and let's go to the fourth one and then I'll say what I was just going to say. So the fourth one is distress and persistent impairment. So this is significant difficulty managing digital media use limited non-virtual pursuits, significant emotional difficulty, sleep deprived breakdown, and healthy relationships, physical health problems, limited social involvement, infrequent face-to-face social interaction and suicidal thoughts, intent or behavior.

Speaker 1 (13:01):

So I think that we can have kids that wax and wane between these different categories. And if your kiddo falls into that third or that fourth one, I would definitely take a serious look at what's going on and try to come up with a game plan. This psychologist that created this chart actually says that that third and the fourth one that you may want to consider professional care. Now I will tell you that there is no shame in seeking outside help. And I hope you know, that we sought outside help for a brief period of time when it became too big for us. So if you have gotten to the point to where your child is not functioning out in the world, and you were seeing some of these warning signs, please, please, please seek outside help. If you feel like it is too big for you to handle.

Speaker 1 (13:51):

And that is completely fine completely. Okay. I know there's a social stigma around that. And a lot of times there are reasons to feel ashamed for that. And I did, I truly did by sitting on the other side of it, it was one of the best things we could do to get an outsider, to help us navigate it. Okay. So that got me a little choked up thinking about it and taking me back to that time for us. So now that we've talked about these different categories and we've thought about, I'm sorry, I should have turned off notifications on my computer here. Now that we talked about where your kid might lie in those, I would consider what to do next. So if you feel like they are leaning into the second or the third, or even the fourth category at times, then there's different ways that you can do this and it's going to be completely up to you.

Speaker 1 (14:46):

But what I recommend as you communicate your concerns with your kiddo, as well as your expectations for use, and you can do a trial run of that and see how that goes. Or if it's already been something you've tried to implement some sort of boundaries, think about making a verbal or written agreement as to, you know, the consumption of there things, other expectations that you have for them, such as things that they do around the house every day or every week, those types of things. And then also, like I said before, if you feel that it's bad enough, sometimes what is necessary is a cold Turkey detox. Like you cut off the digital world completely. If you haven't listened to my episodes that talk about the effects on the brain and gaming addiction and all of the things that are happening, just having that knowledge, that this is not, it's kind of like, this is not your kid that is necessarily doing this.

Speaker 1 (15:46):

This is in very intricately designed system that is there to addict us and draw us in and make us push aside the other things in life that are important to us when you realize that, and you realize that it's basically kind of like your kid's brain on drugs, so to speak, it makes it, it almost empowers you a little bit to realize, okay, I didn't fail here. I shouldn't be feeling shame as a parent, those types of things, which I felt all of those things. When you realize that these things are designed to suck them in, it is empowering. At least it was for me to realize that, okay, okay, like we're here. You know, and we're in this situation with their school and their friends and all of the things, because this entity of digital things is designed to do this to my kid and to me, to all of us, right?

Speaker 1 (16:41):

So a cold Turkey detox will likely produce what I call a preteen or teen tantrum if they have been allowed to be on, on the things a lot, because their brain goes through a physiological chemical withdrawal. I'm no expert in that area. But from what I have read and studied about from experts, people that are experts in the area, there is a withdrawal that goes there. They will think that their world has ended, whether it's because they've been on social media or because they're spending a ton of time on a gaming platform, the brain truly goes through a detox, boredom, like not having anything else to do and not knowing what to do with themselves. We'll see more intense. And they truly do go through withdrawal my recommendation for that. If you go down that route, besides getting outside help, if need be is, stand your ground, do not cave in to the tantrum.

Speaker 1 (17:36):

Trust me, it passes. And it's a beautiful thing when you get to the other side, because you will see that child that you had before you introduced all the digital things. And didn't really know that they were to have the impact they had. You will see them coming back. It's almost like, oh, wow, where have you been? And old interest resurface, new curiosity comes. And it's a beautiful thing, but it's painful and it's painful. And it is not fun depending on how much time they have been allowed to be on the screens. Okay. So that is where I would try to course correct redirect. And that's just going to be up to you and your decision in how that, and what that looks like for you. But what I want to talk about now to indoubt this episode is to talk about some things that are out there that are kind of cool to enforce positive responsibility in their lives.

Speaker 1 (18:37):

Some people call them, you know, like chores, but I think chores has kind of a connotation of being negative or being work. And maybe they need to have that, you know, need to know while there is work in life. But what I want to talk about is just kind of like teaching responsibility in terms of expectations that you expect with things that they do around the house. And also some things that are out there, apps and different programs and things that you can use to help them at the same time, learn how to manage money and learn how to earn the money. So I want to talk about, let me flip over here on my computer. So if you haven't heard about these, of course, you can just do traditional list of chores or responsibilities on your refrigerator, on a calendar, those types of things, but these things kind of make it fun.

Speaker 1 (19:28):

And I will tell you that with my kids being older teens, this is one place that I did not provide enough guidance with in terms of managing money, earning money, saving money, those types of things. And this is something that you can utilize from, like, if you have a local bank or credit union, they likely have a program like this, but these things are kind of cool too. So the things that I'm talking about, there's one called go Henry, and then another one called rooster money. And then another one called busy kid. So it, and I think these can be used for any age. So if you have a teenager that you're trying to redirect and ensure that they are being responsible and stuff, this is certainly something you can use for them. So I'm just kind of looking at their websites, go Henry. And all of these are kind of have a combination.

Speaker 1 (20:20):

There's also the green light card, which I think has similar things. And I've done an episode on the Greenlight card too, but go Henry and I am I not on the main page here go Henry and then rooster money and busy kid. I think they all have a combination of where you can have a card or some, one of them at least has, or you can just do the app and where they earn money, and then you can give it to them or they have where you can choose to get a debit card. So if you have a younger kid, you could use one of these apps just where, you know, they check off when they do certain things and then you give them money that way. Or you can actually set it up to where they earn money on a card that you have.

Speaker 1 (21:05):

And then like rooster money has a virtual money tracker. And it also has a chore tracker. So this is just something that I thought was really cool to talk about in terms of kind of giving them a visual of, and you know, what, with them, all the kids being so digital, now this would give them like a visual of things that they need to do. It also teaches them responsibility and earning their reward of spending time on whatever the digital things are and just giving them a place to work towards things. I tried to do this when my kids were little and it's funny because one of them was like, it's okay. I don't need money. Like, I'm not going to do any chores because I don't need money. I'm good with sitting here with no money. And then another one was so gung ho about money that I couldn't afford the child.

Speaker 1 (22:05):

Like they were like, I'll do the dishes. I will sweep. I will vacuum. I'm going to clean the bathroom now. And like little entrepreneur earning all the money, except I didn't have enough money to pay the kid. So your kid can fall all along that spectrum. But I saw one parent in one discussion that I was looking at said that what they did was they had a kiddo that was like that, where they made non-negotiable chores that they had to do. And some lists like brushing your teeth and those types of things. I think those can be something for a little kid, but personally, I'm not one that's going to be rewarding a kid for doing something that they need to be doing every day anyway, you know, brushing your teeth and taking a bath. Those types of things are just like, to me, there are things that you do because you're a human being and you need to have clean teeth and a clean body.

Speaker 1 (22:55):

Right. But that's totally your call anyway. But that parent said that she put the non-negotiable chores that they had to help with. And then the extra one. So non-negotiable could be like doing the dishes and making their bed, those types of things. And then the bonus ones like helping to rake leaves or helping mow the grass or helping with washing the car, those types of things. So my point in bringing this up is that I think you can be really innovative with this in terms of giving them incentives that make it fun and also teach them responsibility while also teaching them how to manage money. And I think that managing money is a crucial piece that personally I think is forgotten in our formal education system. And maybe that's because we need to be teaching it as parents. We can't make everything fall back onto the education system.

Speaker 1 (23:51):

Although I do think there's a lot of things there that could be taken out and more life skills could be put in there in their place. Some things I just don't think are necessary for our kids to be spending time on if they're not spending time on things about living healthy, healthy habits and managing money and how to, you know, just live out in the world in that not every kid needs to go to a four-year college, that some it's more appropriate to go to tech school, all of that stuff, but that's a whole nother topic. My point with bringing this up is just for you to check these things out as a way to make it fun. And as a way to teach responsibility while helping them learn how to manage money and just how to be a responsible person in the world and not go into major debt and all of that.

Speaker 1 (24:36):

So I hope that you will check those out, go, Henry is@gohenry.com. And by the way, I have no affiliation with any of these. My kids are older or managing their money in their own accounts. So I don't have an account with these, but I read through some different discussions of different parents that are using them. And these were their top three that were mentioned and that they raved about. So there's goHenry@gohenrydotcomandthenroostermoney.com. And then the last one is busy kid.com. So all of them look really cool. And like I've said before, I wish I could go back in time with some of this stuff to when my kids were younger. It sure would've made things simpler for me, but in the end, our path is our path for a reason. And I always have said that that whatever struggles we've had are there to create our strength.

Speaker 1 (25:29):

And I believe that we all have a path to leave in this world, a path to lead in this world. And this just happens to be mine, that we didn't have all of these cool tools and things to help me out in this whole new digital realm of parenting is just a new thing out there. And we kind of took the hard road, but I surely hope that even one of my podcast episodes will help you in some way so that your kiddos will not have to take that same hard road and we'll stay safe in the world. Wow. What happened with my voice there? And we'll stay safe out in the world and we'll grow up to be healthy and prosperous individuals that know the beauty of the world and to the gifts that they have to offer the world so that, you know, we can just live in a healthy and balanced world for our futures.

Speaker 1 (26:25):

That was a little bit of my soap box there too. So I hope you found this episode helpful. I say that every single time, but I truly, truly do. If you can, if you have been listening and you find this helpful, leave me a review in whatever app you were listening to me through, that helps me to rank higher and to get pushed out into the suggestions for people looking for similar content. And that is my major mission is to get into the ears of more moms and to help you be proactive in this space and be that mom that is going to be a guide for your kid so that these, all of these digital influences do not become a negative trajectory for them. It is absolutely possible for us to raise kids in this digital world. And co-exist with all these digital things, without them influencing them negatively. I seriously can't talk today negatively. And you know, just not being able to find a healthy balance with the things. So thanks again for tuning in and I'll chat with you next time.

Speaker 2 (27:36):

Thanks for tuning in being that mom isn't easy, but together we can be that mom's strong. Don't forget to leave a review, connect on social and join Dolly's free community till next time.

Speaker 1 (27:50):

Holy moly, check this out. If you are a mom that is looking to give your kiddo a phone, but you don't want to open up the world of the smartphone to them yet, check out the pinwheel phone. The pinwheel phone is the latest and greatest for dumb smartphones. It gives you absolute control over what they do and who they can contact, and we'll help them to develop healthy habits around using a phone, check out pinwheel@pennwell.com use code be that mom 10, four.