15 | Learn to Stop “Shoulding” on Yourself and Others & Start Exercising More Self-Compassion

Have you noticed that you often seem to be saying “I should” or “I shouldn’t” or maybe you say this to others and you wonder what it’s all about? Maybe you wish you had more self compassion and greater compassion for loved ones. Do you just want simple tools to help you decrease shame in your life? If so, keep listening. 

Today we’ll talk about all of these things using simple, therapeutic steps that will help decrease shame in your life and increase self-compassion and self-worth for yourself and your loved one. Listen in to discover the tricks.

Enjoy and best of luck applying the steps!

-Kendra

 

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“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” -Brene Brown

You can use NOPER (notice, own, plan, execute, and repeat) or the Emotion Processing Model (NPEC-notice, pause, explore, and clarify). 

Dr. Carly Lebaron teaches that we can explore our rules behind our shoulds. She gave examples like how the rule behind “I should always be happy” is the rule that you’re not allowed to have feelings or “I should spend more time with my kids” is the rule that I need to be a perfect parent and I need to always entertain my kids. 

 

Is This Why You're Depressed? Stop Should-ing on Yourself

 

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” -Brene Brown

 

“[Shoulding] is based on an overly rigid rule inside your head that you aren’t able to live up to. Shoulds generate a lot of shame. This way of talking to ourselves is like having a little shoulder angel constantly finding fault and criticizing you. But shoulds aren’t that helpful in actually creating change. They mostly just make us feel miserable and discouraged.” -Emma McAdam

 

“When we leave piles of should everywhere in our lives, it’s easy to become discouraged, overwhelmed, and feel like a shouldy person. Should-ing is a bad habit that sends a message to your brain that you’ll never be good enough.” -Emma McAdam

 

Albert Ellis, the famous American psychologist, said, “Stop shoulding on yourself.” 

 

Karen Horney was a German psychoanalyst that noticed a pattern in depressed and anxious people. She noticed that they always say, “I should.”