The Comparison Game

Cinthia explained at the outset that she sees lots of problems in her practice with people thinking they are not enough, not measuring up, and that this leads to comparing and contrasting themselves with others “twenty-four, seven.”  She also explained that she has struggled with comparison in her own thoughts and has worked hard over the course of her life to address this.  Cinthia stated that always wanting “to know we’re ok” is part of “the human condition,’ but noted that comparing ourselves to each other as an attempt to accomplish this is highly problematic.  How can we compare things that are each intended to be completely unique?  Our comparisons also tend to reveal the problems in our priorities.  Most of us tend to be dissatisfied with the amount of money we have or the way we look, but God is much more concerned with our morality and whether we are living out the design He made us to live. Comparison offers us nothing to gain and so much to lose; this is why Theodore Roosevelt stated, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  Comparison damages pride, dignity, drive, and passion.  Things of great value are devalued and lost.  There is no end to the comparison options, so there is no way to solve our discontent by succeeding in our comparisons.  Comparing focuses us on things we cannot control.  It works against being grateful and happy.  Comparisons distract us.  Even when they comfort us, it is usually on the basis of our perceived superiority to someone else, and this is problematic, too. 

As a remedy to our ongoing struggles with comparison, Cinthia suggested we “take advantage of some of God’s thoughts.”  She read from Psalm 139 in the New Living Translation and talked about various phrases.  She described realizing from these verses that God knew every choice she would make, good and bad, before He created her, and still chose to make her; this made her realize how much He loved her since He still wanted her existence to happen, even with all the costs it entailed.  The same is true for each of us.  Cinthia also read from Romans 9:20 and verses following, calling this a rebuke from God to those of us who tend to resist His design for us and talk back to Him about the way He made us.  She paraphrased, “Who are you to talk back to God?  You are a created being.  I made you the way I wanted to make you, and I’m happy with the design.”  To assume God never takes our ongoing criticism personally is to deny that He is an emotional Being.  He is so happy with how He made us, and we complain because we are not getting His vision of us.  Despite this, it is better to engage with God and struggle with Him regarding our feelings about His design than to turn to society and ask for its opinion on our design; society has no real ability or right to help us with this.  So, if you struggle, engage with Him about it.  Ask and accept why He made you and what His vision is for you as His creation.  God is proud of His work and wants the universe to see His designs lived out.  He intended us to be different from one another, to look different, to do different things.  He wanted us to have special ways of interacting with Him, ways He could be with each one, just as parents enjoy different ways of interacting with each child.

Comparison is a hard habit to break, so here are some alternatives to “just stopping:”

1. Commit to making a fair comparison. Don’t compare yourself based on things you don’t really know or cannot change.  Most comparisons are unfair because we don’t have the metrics for all the things we judge.  An unknown person has said, “Never compare your inside to someone else’s outside.” 
2. Accept that there are some things you cannot change. Come to terms with yourself as a created being.  God did not consult you when He created you, nor should He have.  He put thought into you.  He wants His creation to enjoy the way He created it. 
3. Accept everything about yourself, including the things with which you do not agree. You will have more power to change once you stop fighting to deny reality.  Don’t pretend that it didn’t happen or that you are not flawed.
4. Say helpful things to yourself, such as, “I can’t assess who I am or what I have based on others because I am made uniquely.” Or try, “Keep your eyes on your own paper.”
5. Be intentional about identifying and removing your subconscious comparisons. Don’t rank-order humans.  Our actions vary, but our value is the same.   Practicing this is very difficult, but it is worth it.
6. It is ok to be inspired by others and learn from one another. It is okay to admire what another does and consider whether it might be good for you, too.  But this is different from comparisons that rely on denigrating you or someone else.
7. Learn to focus on contributing good things, and enjoy those successes without comparing them to those of others. Help other people.  Learn to be comfortable in your own skin so that you can be safer for others.   
8. Compete less; appreciate more. Intentionally practice gratitude.  Remember that focusing on what others have and do will prevent you from appreciating all the extraordinary blessings in your own life.  Life is not one big competition.  Judging others is not a way to make yourself feel better.  Humbly ask questions of people you admire, even your own children. 
9. Join God in approving of what He made. Thank Him for creating you and for the way He did so.  If you struggle with this, ask Him to help you see His vision for your life and accept, embrace, and walk out His purposes for you.