Surviving the Family Holidays

Garrison Keillor once said, “The lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.”  Whether you are working Christmas, spending it alone, hosting a gathering you hope will be beautiful, or gearing up to attend the usual round of work and family activities, you are in this with all the rest of us – and we all need to survive it!

Holidays are a time when we tend to think we should be happy, but they happen in the context of everything else.  The expectation of warmth and cheer can highlight our pain and that of others.  The consistency of traditions can emphasize the changes that have occurred over the last year, including difficult ones.  Even positive changes can upset the family equilibrium, and sometimes the system wants to move back into its usual state.  Exposure to family can bring back memories, good and bad, and stir up expectations that we should have more in common than we do. 

Expectations can be strong around the holidays: “There’s no place like home for the holidays” – but what if your family is a wreck?  “Christmas is a time for family” – but what if you don’t have one, or you live several states away and can’t afford to take time off and travel for the holidays?  “Holidays should be joyous and happy” – but what if there has been a death?  A job loss?  What if you are depressed or struggling with anxiety?  “Everything will be perfect this year” – but what if it isn’t, or it is and nobody seems to notice or care?  Holidays are unknowns.  We do not truly know what will happen on a given year, even if we do know the patterns, the leftover hurts and judgments, the way it has been before now. 

So how do we survive the holidays?  Well, the first step is to ask yourself, “What is it about the holiday that gets me down?”  What are you wanting to get out of the holidays, and what do you fear will happen instead?  Establish and acknowledge your hopes, fear, and expectations.  Talk to someone trustworthy regarding what bothers you about the holidays so you can be less vulnerable when the holidays get here.

Next, acknowledge your options.  Adults have choices.  What can you choose to do or not do?  Brainstorm the ways you could address your concerns.  Even though you won’t be able to utilize every single option, acknowledge that you have those choices and are not trapped.  If there is pressure to put up with someone you usually avoid, is this maladaptive or an opportunity? 

Next, develop your coping skills, including your self-talk and the boundaries you will choose for yourself.  See the lighter side; holidays are short.  Remember, everybody’s a little bit out of their league when it’s family.  Minimize over-indulging in food and alcohol to deal with the stress of the holidays.  Identify what beauty you can create without paying the cost of unbearable stress.  Think about the people who are problematic for you.  Pray for them; pray for yourself.  What is one thing God has said about you?  Abou them?  Hold onto that.  You don’t have to get your needs met in that relationship; you can just accept the person.  Spending time without really connecting can be ugly, so take care of yourself so that you can share at an appropriate level without making yourself or others overly vulnerable.  Remember that holiday events are rarely the best times to hash through issues, though they often show us what we may want to address or change later.  Differentiate between what is truly dangerous and what is irritating. 

Holidays, including family holidays, really are a big deal, even though we try to make it not that way.  Remember that the best gift you can give is a healthy version of yourself; that way, nobody has to worry about you.  Being the best version of yourself is a gift to others. 

Remember, God loves to give gifts.  He gave us His only Son, the most valuable possession He ever had.  You are a gift.  You are irreplaceable.  You are valuable.  Taking care of yourself and regulating yourself is important.  Police yourself.  Be healthy.