The Rules for Being a Man with Dan Griffin

Dan Griffin, M.A. is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert who has dedicated his life and work to redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. He joins the show this week to talk with Rob about rewriting the rules and rigidity of what it means to really be a man, and the benefits men can get when they get in touch with their own feelings and deeply connect with others. 

 

TAKEAWAYS:

[2:57] A few of the rules that the world has set up for boys at a young age to define what makes a real man: 

1. Don’t cry. Real men don’t cry, and if you do it shows weakness. 
2. Don’t ask for help. 
3. Don’t be weak or vulnerable, or “like a girl”. 
4. Don’t be gay. 
5. Be a protector and provider. 
6. Use sex as the main form of intimacy, and have as sex with as many hot chicks as possible. 
7. Success defines who we are, and second place is the first loser. 

[8:04] A large portion of men find they have no one to talk to or deeply communicate with, and this further creates a disconnection to self and the tendency to shut out others. 

[11:21] We’re all like fish in the water, feeding off the same environment affecting each other with our actions. When an environment is supportive and fosters growth, it is more likely a man will shine and feel comfortable to show his true self.  

[12:03] The rules themselves aren’t bad, but get in the way because they mandate without choice. There’s nothing wrong with strength and power, it's rigidity that blocks emotion and connection. 

[14:43] Gay men have an experience of having multiple rules: ones set up for gay men, women and straight men all at once. 

[20:38] We would all benefit if men are able to get in touch with their own emotions, and in turn they could access more empathy and understanding when women share their story.

[28:02] Crisis can be an opportunity to get vulnerable and open us up to meaningful, deep conversation.  

[28:39] Each man has the right to choose what type of man he wants to be, which Dan terms as conscious masculinity. 

[29:44] Men define intimacy via sex, and it is important to talk about breakdowns in the area before it gets to point where the partner cheats. 

[33:18] With suicide rates being higher than ever, the impact of feeling isolated and disconnected is more serious than it’s ever been. 

[35:17] We highly benefit when we go below the surface the people in our lives and show them the true authentic selves. 

 

RESOURCES: 

Sex and Relationship Healing

@RobWeissMSW

Sex Addiction 101 

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men 

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency

Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com 

Dan Griffin 

A Man’s Way Through Relationships 

Terry Real 

I Don’t Want to Talk About It 

Dr. Allen Berger 

American Psychological Association 

The Good Men Project 

QUOTES:

• “This is the armor that protects us, and it’s not a well constructed identity.” 
• “When you are alone and you look in the mirror, can you hold eye contact with the man that you see?” 
• “Such an amazing opportunity for connection and love gets undone because we can’t talk to each other.” 
• “It starts with taking a risk, and men have to be willing to take a risk to open up to somebody else.” 
• “The man rules are antisocial and narcissistic.”