Transforming Your Marriage (Not Your Spouse!) with Toni Nieuwhof

Our marriage mini-series continues this week with a question we’ve all likely asked ourselves at some point in our lives: wouldn’t I be better off alone? It’s a question that creeps up on us in moments where we feel stuck, overwhelmed and disconnected from the person that matters most. 

 

This week, Toni Nieuwhof joins me on the show to talk about those moments of doubt, guilt and worry that affect our relationships. She has worked with hundreds of families over the years, often as a divorce attorney, and she tells us what she’s learned from those difficult experiences along with the important lessons she and her husband, Carey, have learned as they took their own marriage from unhappy to thriving.

 

In today’s episode, Toni shares research-driven data, real-life examples and practical tools to transform struggling relationships into healthy, safe spaces. We also chat about her book, Before You Split: Find What You Really Want for the Future of Your Marriage, and she gives her best advice for fighting for the couple instead of yourself and how the light of Christ can help us identify self-limiting beliefs. 

 

Some of my favorite moments from our conversation include:

 

1. The 5:1 ratio and its importance in our interactions with our spouse, significant others, and even our children. 

2. How kindness and respect are essential pillars of the family space and how we can use them to change our family dynamic.

3. How our reliance on God and those we’re in relationship with can help us become fully alive.

 

Favorite quotes:

1. Sometimes looking inside is scary. Or it feels painful. And yeah, there's some pain to go through, but if you can sit with it and not back away, and just move through that pain, there's just something so beautiful on the other side.


2. The victim story you may be telling yourself is probably blurring your vision.

3. We had to come to the point where we could realize that the only emotions we can really try to influence or control are our own.

 

4. Just sit with your spouse's emotions and validate them, and accept them for what they are. 

5. It's really hard when you're in the midst of the struggle to recognize just how much value your spouse has in the eyes of your child. Your child needs both of you.

 

Great things we discussed: 

1. Toni Nieuwhof

2. Before You Split 

3. Gratitude

4. Pride & Prejudice

5. Forgiving What You Can’t Forget

6. Raw Hemp Seeds

7. Window Bird Feeder 

8. Titanic 

9. Gladiator 

10. Standing Strong

 

Hope you loved this episode! Be sure to subscribe in iTunes and slap some stars on a review! :)

 

xo,

Alli 

 

www.alliworthington.com/toninieuwhof/