Real Talk........The Fear of Not Being Good Enough

The Fear of "Not Being Good Enough - It’s something we all struggle with at some point in our life but it doesn’t have to be that way. This week we’ll explore some ways to eradicate the feeling of not being good enough.    

A few months ago I stood up a women’s networking event, an event that gives you 90 seconds to tell your story on a pre - determined topic. I hadn’t planned it, I wrote my piece on my phone during the intermission, swallowed my fear and for want of a better word performed. I’d never shared my story, as I feared no one would what to hear it, who did I think I was and the biggie – I’m not good enough to do this!!!  

But there is a logical fallacy that underlies the fear of not being good enough – but that logic falls through because certain underlying assumptions that would make it true, just aren’t there. The biggest one is that “enough” can be clearly defined. Consider this question: How would you even begin to define what qualifies as “good enough”?

You can probably list several ideas: “I’d be good enough if I…didn’t shout at my kids, made more money, lost 10 pounds, actually committed deeply to my career, stopped procrastinating…” but you’ll find the goalpost will always move as the definition of enough lies in everybody’s individual opinion.  

I work to overcome the feeling of being "not being good enough" by using the following strategies that might work for you as well.

Make a Decision - As individuals, we have the incredible power to decide that we are, in fact, good enough. You are the person who owns the sole key to your self-worth, which governs what you do. In order to achieve the feeling of being good enough, you must first believe it.

If you choose not to do so, then no one else can do it for you. Write it down and say it to yourself. When you make the choice, you become the Boss and you are back in power. You hold that key, yet we often forget that you do. So remind yourself that when you feel imperfect, you've chosen to be imperfect. You must believe -- truly believe -- that you are good enough, which will allow you to let go of your quest for perfection.

Emphasize the Positive - How often do you quickly dismiss something you did well? Do you allow yourself to recognize and accept praise from others and feel that you deserve it? When someone tells me I look good, immediately find the “prop” that made look good – the lip gloss, different hair and not own that the props are just there to enhance me, so yes I do look good. The frequency of this is likely much less than the amount of time you spend dwelling on something you did wrong or even sub-par. Do you recognize criticism and feel that you deserve it much more than praise?

Always remember that you're on your own side, always.

Redefine Perfect - During my first year as a mature student at University, I failed my first quantative methods. I had prepared so much for the exam knowing that maths and numbers were my achillies heel. I can still remember the feeling when I saw the fail score on my exam and began to doubt whether I even belonged at University, I mean what was a divorced, single parent doing at Uni, this was a young person’s game? I called my Mom who gave me a good talking to and I buckled down and re took the exam in Summer, knowing that If I didn’t my dreams of getting a degree would be over.  Ultimately, I graduated and went on to gain a Master of Arts with distinction and I credit that exam for my academic success.

I had only focused on being "perfect" going into University and that exam served as my wakeup call. Perfect was no longer what I wanted. Instead, my first goal distilled into simply passing my exams. When the threat of perfection was lifted, so was the pressure and anxiety I felt while preparing for and taking exams. I also reexamined my expectations. What did I want in the end, just good pass marks? No, I wanted to gain a degree. I had a goal and I was going after it.

By releasing the self-imposed pressure of perfection, you will release the corresponding anxiety and allow yourself to perform up to your abilities.

Uncover the True Message - When you experience not being good enough as a result of interaction with other people, it's because you tend to personalize everything they say or don't say, and take it to heart. But it doesn't have to be. It's not all about you. Actions speak louder than words. You probably have heard this saying many times before. The way in which they interact with you is according to their dictionary of how love is expressed, not yours. So, don't expect them to live life according to your terms.

Practice Self-Love - Did you know that you’re very special? There is no other person in this world like you. You deserve to be loved not only by those around you but by the most important person in your life — YOU. Practicing self-love can be challenging for many of us, especially in times when we face serious challenges. It’s not about being self-absorbed or narcissistic, it’s about getting in touch with ourselves, our well-being and our happiness.

Embark on the Journey of Self-Discovery - I just completed the delivery of  a 14 day self confidence challenge that pushed participants to reconnect with their confident self, realise their hidden strengths and work on visualizing what a their future confident self. So I invite you to imagine that you're somewhere on an amazingly tranquil island, enjoying the lapping waves of the ocean. You can't really see yourself because the sun shines so bright. From this place of serenity and tranquility, write down three things you love about your confident self. The deeper you explore, the greater sense of totality and personal power will come in.

What's Your Authentic Mission in Life? -  Why is it that you still find yourself rushing to prove to others that you deserve to be loved and to love? Why? It's powerful question. We spend too much time trying to figure out why that we forget that it doesn't really matter. It's rarely about why.

If you rely on somebody's validation of your success, you will never be free. You will never be able to fully realize your passion. It will be so easy for anyone to derail you off your path. The next time you are uncertain about your success -- reflect back on why you are in this business, this relationship, or this career in the first place.

Love Yourself For Who You Are - Sometimes you don't feel good enough because you compare yourself to other people. Stop this. You need to remember that you bring so much to the table and the world would be so different without you. Love yourself for who you are. You deserve to celebrate being you.

When you have these feelings or thoughts of not being good enough in any aspect of your life, try to always remind yourself to love yourself for who you really are. Try to name at least three things that  love about yourself and that you’re proud of being good at. Understand that it’s simply impossible for a person to be everything to everyone and to be perfect at everything .You will create obstacles by focusing on what you are not, you just reinforce the limiting belief of not being good enough and worthy of people's attention.

Play by Your Own Rules - From my experience of coaching people, I can confidently say that you can't force people to see from your own reality. We all have our own reality, and each reality is valid. Accept that you can't control people or even change their behaviour by telling them not to do something and focus on your own reality.

Don't Use Self-Deprecating Language - It's time to believe in your words when you communicate them to other people. You don't want to disregard your thoughts just because you don't think they're good enough or afraid that someone else won't like them. "Have a point of view. Don’t use minimizing phrases like 'I was just thinking …' or 'I could be wrong, but …' Make statements rather than asking questions. Cut all of that self-deprecating language out of your vocabulary and simply say what you want to say – and do it with confidence

Expose Yourself To The Activity You Fear - This is a case of feel the fear and do it anyway.  One of the best ways to get over your fear of not being good enough is by actually doing the thing that you fear the most. Exposing yourself to your fear (and gradual increase of exposure) can help alleviate fear and anxiety around feeling inadequate. When you fear you won't perform 'well enough' or 'perfectly' do it anyway. This, in turn, will help to boost self-esteem and identity,"

So we could explore this topic for a lot longer but the definition of enough can vary for everyone but here is the truth about what will make you start feeling good enough:

No longer assuming that you’re not good enough.

No longer turning your back to the fact that you are good enough.

No longer trying to find evidence that you are good enough.

Need some support regaining your confident self? 

I'm delighted to let you know that registration for my signature confidence building program WARRIOR is now open and I really would love to have you in this program with me

Take this step to join a collective of women just like you, becoming the Warriors of their own lives.

The program is a combination of group coaching and a personal strategy focused on the goals you want to achieve, the Warrior program will help you to step up, see the potential you have and give you the confidence to take action to move towards a more powerful and fulfilling way of living the life you deserve, all delivered online so it doesn't matter what part of the world you live.

Now, how do I know it works? Because I’ve been just like you, a working mom, a divorcee, single parent, survived an abusive marriage. Yet using the same tools, I learnt how to regain my confidence and self-esteem, attend University, happily remarry, became the first female CEO for a major Caribbean company and start my own business.

So if I can, you can. This is your time.

So if you would you love to have the confidence to take control of your personal and professional life. Or you want to transform the way you feel about yourself and the way the world perceives you, the WARRIOR is for you? Because if this I can do this so you can you.

Better yet, if you register your interest before the 10th March and mention that you heard of the WARRIOR program via this podcast, then I'll personally have a 1 on 1 WARRIOR session with you. Its not something I normally do but I'm so excited to share as I know what a difference it can make to your life. So head over to my website janicesutherland.com, it won't cost you anything but the benefit to your confidence will be priceless.

Register here for WARRIOR 

I hope you enjoyed the show and would love to hear your feedback! If you enjoy what I share in this episode, please leave a review and comment on iTunes. I would really appreciate it.

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Until next time

Janice