Guard Your Heart - Part III

If you have listened to part I and II you should have a pretty clear understanding of what boundaries look like and why they are important to have in your life. Boundaries will, in essence,  help you gain control. Steven Covey, the author of the 7 habits of highly effective people, once said that we must always start with the end in mind and so if the end goal is to gain control of your life then it's crucial you start by setting boundaries.

Now let me be clear, you are not trying to gain control of other people, your circumstance, or even your outcomes. Those things will fall into their proper place as long as you are willing to gain control over yourself. See the issue is that most people get caught up in trying to gain control over the things that they can’t control and in doing so end up losing control over themselves. Now here is the true paradox: it’s only when you take control of yourself that you will begin to have significant influence on the other things meaning people, circumstances, and outcomes.

People with effective boundaries have ownership of their feelings, thoughts, choices, desires, opinions, behaviors - in a nutshell they have ownership over their hearts, minds and souls.They don’t give that right away to anyone because they understand how detrimental it can become for them morally, spiritually, physically, mentally, and even sexually. No one can snatch that ownership away from you unless you position yourself to give it away.

This is what healthy boundaries sound like:

• “I am not okay with you yelling at me. I will discuss this when we can speak to one another calmly and respectfully.”
• “I can’t work overtime this weekend. Since I wasn’t on the schedule, I already made plans.”
• “I can give you a ride home, but I absolutely need to leave by seven. If you’re any later than that I’m going to have to leave without you.”
  “Your friend has a drug problem, and I’m not comfortable being around him. Please don’t invite him over to our house again.”
• “I’ve been doing much more than my fair share of the chores. From now on, I’m only washing my own dishes. I’ll expect you to wash your own.”

Your boundaries are defined by your vision and your values. Your vision is your direction. Your end goal. The destination you want to arrive at. Solomon penned “people without a vision, perish” In other words if you have no definite destination in your life you will end up like the Israelites, walking around the desert in circles while perishing in the process. Ultimately boundaries express how much you value you, how much you care for you, and how much you love you. In other words the lack of boundaries is a true sign of a lack of self-esteem.

The holes in your fence could be due to:

• The need for security
• The need for approval
• The need to be perfect
• The need to rescue
• The fear of being alone or isolated
• The fear of conflict
• The fear of disagreement
• The fear of anger
• The fear of feeling inferior
• The inability to say no
• The inability to hear no
• The lack of structure

Boundary Blueprint - 

1. Know your most important values - Knowing your values is the first step for setting boundaries because they help determine what you are not willing to compromise on. When you have people in your space that don’t align with or respect what you value, you can get caught up in managing that drama instead of on what’s best for you.
2. Use your values to determine your boundaries - ask yourself what you will and won’t allow. Whatever your values are, converting them into boundaries gives you a basis for setting boundaries in relationships, setting boundaries at work, or anywhere else.
3. Self-awareness - find time to reflect and ask yourself in which areas of your life you are feeling the most threatened, exhausted, abused, taken advantage of, and ultimately hurt
4. Set your boundaries - communicate them assertively, be clear, keep it simple don’t feel the need to justify them 
5. Keep your boundaries - have someone hold you accountable, keep a clear list of your boundaries in other words write them down so that you can revisit, re-evaluate, and ultimately continue rehearsing them otherwise they may be easily forgotten.
6. Figure out where you will compromise and where you won’t - flexibility is the key to excellence and you will find times to major on the majors and not on the minors. Adjust your expectation as long as it doesn’t create an opportunity for you to be hurt.