Lice in passenger's hair leads to emergency landing. Breastfeeding humans try to get an orangutan to do same.
Lady steals $1.5 million worth of chicken wings from school. Stop giving the monks energy drinks, please.
Glitterbombing Mars will make it better to dance on. Man steals women's undies cuz he hates his wife's undies.
Hurricane blows cocaine onto Florida beach. Lady blames strong winds for failed sobriety test.
Chess player poisons her rival pre-match. Mayor asks to please not poop on their pretty beach.
Airline now allows women to purchase seats away from the creepy men. Man arrested for assaulting a Prius.
Black clothing banned in classrooms but the 10 Commandments are on the wall for all to see.
Pole vaulter’s huge package costs him Olympic medal. Baby Karen's are nearly extinct.
Woman caught with drugs in bag labeled ‘Bag of Drugs’. Floridaman lassos an alligator for killing the turtles.
Unseasoned chicken led to brawl with bug spray, fists and knives. Man stabs another man over chicken or egg debate.
Corpse shortage at medical schools. Disney cancels offensive bear named Liver Lips McGrowl.
Champagne sales down because people aren't cheery. Docs remove giant gourd from farmer's rectum.
Stripper, emotional support monkey and a football coach. Supreme Court rules that boneless wings can have bones.
Florida police order no selfies with the depressed black bear. Floridaman resists arrest while being arrested for resisting arrest.
Tourist burns feet off in Death Valley. Japan restaurants charge tourists more than locals.
Resurrect dead loved one's with AI avatars. Astronauts will drink their own pee on the moon.
Cocaine Sharks invade Brazil. Father decapitates seagull in front of family.
Plants with offensive names will be renamed. Japan Olympic gymnast sent home for smoking.
Florida stripper sues to remain a stripper. Florida woman bites flight attendant on United Airlines.
This illegal Trader Joe's spice will get you arrested. Melting ice caps are gonna give us a longer weekend.
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